General Dating Questions/Male Logic?
QUESTION: This question may sound odd but I want some clear opinions/advice.
I have a male friend of 5 years and at this point he got out of a bad relationship for almost 6 months now.
Last night he went to a B-Day party of another guy friend's, and he WAS drunk (so maybe this is the answer to my question) But inbetween he kept texting me saying : There are a lot of pretty women at this bar, but it doesn't matter-I am going home soon to talk to you, you're way prettier than them, they don't drive me crazy at all in the way you do. I don't care about them.
Now some info: This man and I are NOT together, but we both have expressed feelings for each other.
However, why would he stress that there were other women at the bar he was in? It is obvious that women are everywhere....is he trying to make me jealous? Reassure me, or is this just drunk guy talk?
ANSWER: Hi Shayda,
One of your first points is that you've been friends for a considerable amount of time but also that this guy just got out of a bad relationship about 6 months ago. The details aren't specific or necessarily needs because we're all different, some people need attention and affection and are more prone to feeling lonely when they're lacking in that. If he feels close to you right now and it has already been established that there are feelings somewhere between the two of you, he might think you should be first port of call. You're the obvious choice for the simulation of a relationship. If you do have serious feelings, beware of becoming the rebound. You may both simulate the idea of a relationship and, with or without him realising your feelings, he may see the time, affection and attention as something normal, like friends with benefits. Lines can easily become blurred when you're a person in need of affection.
The above, is worst case scenario; becoming less of a friend and more of rebound. However, they do say that a drunk man's words are a sober man's thoughts. Maybe he felt like he could say this to you whilst he was drunk without worrying about it. It does just seem as if he wanted you to know that whilst there are women everywhere, you're the girl on his mind.
Meet up with him face to face, hang out casually and bring it up. The best way of finding out the truth is communicating face to face. Sure, some people are good liars but more often than not, our facial expressions give us away. Ask him what the deal is, even laugh about it casually if you feel nervous about asking. Maybe you could say something followed by a small grin or laugh like, "so how was (the other guy)'s party? Those were interesting texts I got from you!" See where it leads by not saying anything else after leading the conversation.
Also, if you are in it for something serious (a relationship as opposed to something casual), you may want to make sure that he knows that up front so that neither of you are confused about the situation at hand. If both parties are informed of what the other wants, you have the right to disagree up front.
All the best.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Hello, so sorry for the delay in reply. It turned out this man was nothing but a coward. He told me-despite all the flirting HE himself initiated-he told me he was not ready for a relationship because he is still worried about his ex.
This leads me to a follow-up. Why is it (especially in my life) that the women who are not really deserving of relationships seem to be having men chase after them and wanting them back? His ex did nothing but abuse him yet he worries about her-to be frank-none of my own exes care if I live or die. Howcome someone like that gets attention and is desired for?
I myself have never abused or cheated anyone, so I logically thought I'd be a better partner for him-do people secretly enjoy wallowing in their own drama and misery?
Thanks so much for your time
The good thing to come out of this is that you know where you stand.
To answer your question: we all, from time to time, feel as if the grass would be greener and are filled with 'what if's' with people from the past. The truth is, the person who bruises our ego makes us feel unworthy and not good enough for them. Therefore, we often look back and think highly of them or want to be with them once again because we feel they may have been too good for us in the first place. We often feel a great sense of love for someone when they dump us because rejection is hard, it can leave us needy and low. This is much the same (amongst other additional or alternative factors) in relationships with mental abuse - once someone is made to feel small, they feel like that's all they deserve or are worth.
People are also tempted to take a walk on the wild side and, sometimes, it's a fun ride. For most people! I'm not sure that love of the wild side could last forever, though.
I don't think people enjoy their misery. They need time to heal but maybe he is under the impression he can win her back or wants to see if there's any chance before moving on. I would try not to get too emotionally involved, if you can be a friend, be one but that's all you need to give if he is not on the same page as you are, in terms of what you want from each other.
All the best.