General Dating Questions/Is he using me?
Even now I am not sure the real reason to what I am facing that I felt the need to write to you and hear your advice. It is a relationship that I have been in since 3 months ago. It started off as friends for only 3 dates and the next thing I knew ... I am already his girlfriend. I am a 24 years old asian girl. He is actually the first person that i went on a date with in my life. Becos I am always feeling anxious each time i get a date offer, I will always turn them all down whether I like the person or not. It took me alot of courage to finally agree to meet him. That was partly becos I felt him having the impression that I am being such a big deal. Hes a 33 years old guy whose been working in my country for the past 3 years.
Back to already being his girlfriend, I didnt feel that we are even in a relationship. I dont know if I am in love with him. I enjoyed each time I am with him. But as soon as he sent me home... i started having alot of thoughts. Like .. I feel that he is only taking advantage of me. N then I regret for not being firm enough to stop him from getting physically close when we re alone. I will try go with the flow and still be protective of myself.
For that, I tried breaking it off a couple of times. The first time I tried, failed. He said I should just go with the flow and let things happen. Which I did. The second time, I told him what bothered me most and thats what we do at the end of most of our dates. Then, he gave me the option to try it all over again. Saying that its all normal for couples to do what we do. I literally melted with whatever he came up with. Then when we started over, it was all the same to me. He knew I wasnt comfortable with getting into bed but we still did. Again. I didnt stop him. N its like a cycle. N he just knows how to make me agree to meet up in the end. Over time, I realise that I am looking for his shortcomings. But at the back of my head, I feel that he cld be genuine all this time.
I dont know what it this relationship called. N I keep doubting him. I keep feeling like he is just using me. Most of the time after dinner, he will suggest going to his place.
What should I do? I actually thought of the most immature thing to do n thats just disappearing since I cant seem to get out of it. Or is it me being paranoid becos he is my first date? Or should I have not told him that hes my first that now he is using me since he is here for his job?
This fear that he's "using you" is very unusual and frankly, not the case at all. In fact, aren't you "using him" for his attention and to go out on dates?
Hope, you need to get over this irrational fear that dating is "using" someone. It's not. Neither is having sex. These are mutually-beneficial, *IF* you let them be. You need to start learning these skills and at 24-years-old, you're behind - all out of the irrational fear that you're being "used". You aren't letting yourself enjoy being with someone that cares about you. You're not having fun, etc.
Not everyone you date in your life is going to be "the one". Some of them will be convenient, some will be deep romances and some will turn out badly. Assuming that this is bad causes you to focus all your energies on that rather than having fun and learning new, important dating and relationship skills. That's where you should focus.
It's also why you can't seem to deal with your own choices. You haven't really found your own power yet. That will come as soon as you take charge of your own choices and stop being controlled by them. He's not doing this at all - you are.
Let yourself engage with him and start seeing this as the advantage it is - not that you're losing anything or having something taken from you. You aren't. Start giving to this - by choice - and see what you get back. It can be incredible regardless of where this relationship ends up.
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Publisher of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producer of "BAM! TV"