General Dating Questions/Dating for 3 years and no proposal
My boyfriend and I have been together for three years. The first two years were mostly long-distance but I did move halfway across the country to live with him for 9 months. Unfortunately due to being unable to find stable employment, I moved back home to return to college. We continued dating long distance with constant contact and periodic visits until he moved in with me 9 months ago. We are both in our forties, both long since divorced from our exes (both our exes have remarried) and we get along amazingly. We are both committed to our relationship, he treats me with absolute respect and we fully enjoy each other's company.
Early in our relationship he mentioned many times how he would like to marry me (this was before my divorce was finalized) but over the past year and a half it has become a topic that is no longer mentioned and if it is tentatively brought up (by me) it usually results in an argument. The last time it was discussed he said he was quite fine with never getting again, then changed his stance to he would be willing to marry me but it's not a good time at the moment, then he proceeded to give me a list of reasons why we shouldn't.
My problem with the whole thing is that on one hand he will say how well we get along, how well we work together and how committed he is to us, but when marriage is brought up he immediately begins to change his tune and claims his reasons for it not being a good idea is because of arguments we have had where we have questioned our relationship. We have had arguments like any other couple, but they are usually handled respectfully and maturely and are quickly resolved...which I believe is a good indicator of a healthy relationship.
The bottom line is that I will be graduating from college next spring and our plan is for me and my son to move back with him to British Columbia from Ontario. I am perfectly fine with this plan as I will now have a degree and the opportunity for a proper career but I'm not exactly happy to be making such huge commitments like that without any commitment from him (I have told him this). I'm beginning to question this plan as I feel I am leaving myself very vulnerable if I move out there with no plans for a solid commitment from him. Am I being unrealistic or pushing too hard?
Hi there, thanks for your question.
Before I get into anything, please please PLEASE make sure you find a solid job BEFORE you move out there. Make sure, for you and your son, if you are ready to make the move, have that job offer in your hands. The only reason I say this is because I know many people who have their big shiny college diplomas and degrees (including myself) who have spent months, even years, finding ANY job, let alone one specific to your education.
Okay, now back to your question. His flip-flopping may be a result of a lot of things. Maybe the biggest one is fear of going through the same agony of divorce once again. To me, that seems to be one of the reasons he has his reservations.
You need to ask yourself if you are okay with being with this man, being utterly happy with him, and not being married. Commitment and marriage are two very different things. You can have one without the other, and personally, I'd rather have commitment over marriage rather than marriage over commitment. Of course, you can have both, but right now he clearly isn't ready to make that solid jump.
Consider yourself and your son, more importantly. Are you okay with moving him across the country to be with this man, even if it means you may never get married?
I can't really answer this for you, because everyone is different. To some, marriage is a huge issue, to others, it can slide. I ask you to simply think about whether you want to hang your hat on marriage alone, or if you are happy just being with this person forever.