General Dating Questions/Disconnected relationship
My bf and I are both 25, love together and have been together for 4.5 years. For the past month I have noticed a change with him which have affected us. He is very unhappy in his life situation. He is in a dead end job he hates but isn't doing anything to change that. He comes home every night and sits on his computer bearly talking to me until we go to sleep. I am an anxious person and I know my sometimes insecurities bother my bf. the lack of interest and intimacy he has shown me recently have made me very insecure. I tried to talk to him about it and it never solves anything. He says nothing is wrong, he is tired or to stop nagging him when he is watching is sports or on the computer. I feel like we are just living as friends and not a loving couple. I feel like there is a big disconnect between us and I don't know what to do or how to fix it. Everytime I bring it up and tell him how I feel... I get complaints and that I'm being crazy. Another thing I should mention is that I have mentioned in the last 8 months my interest in marriage and getting engaged. He has expressed how he doesn't like the idea of marriage and that we are way too young. He says I get extra crazy and insecure when I hang out with my engaged and married friends which really hurts me. He even once told them when we were all together " have fun talking about marriage....your fav subject". My friends all sorta looked at me with that "what?" Expression. I want to know what to do here! I want this relationship to work. I love him and want to spend the rest of my life with him but I can't live like this. I'm so unhappy. He just seems to not care anymore, is snappy and grumpy with me and I just feel an overall disconnect that I have never felt before! What is my next step??
Hello Stephanie, thanks for your question.
In my humble opinion, your next step is to seriously consider this relationship (or lack thereof) that you are in.
Every single relationship on the face of this Earth is going to have problems. These problems vary, but some of the major ones revolve around money, not being happy at work, etc. Basically, real-life grown up problems that grown ups have to deal with in grown up relationships. The fact that he is unhappy at work is one thing, but there's many more things that make this situation a bit more complicated. For starters, you say he is unhappy at work but won't do anything about it. That's not your fault, and not your problem to fix. That's his. It won't magically fix itself either. Here's the thing though, in mature relationships, couples work together to try and figure something out. For example, he could ask you for advice on what he can do next, maybe suggestions as to other jobs in the area, going back to school, etc. That's the support system a couple has.
As far as the marriage thing goes, while I do agree that sometimes people can get a little antsy over marriage, especially if all their friends are doing it, I totally disagree that he should be making the comments to you that he is.
Case in point - you said this yourself, he is disconnected, you are unhappy, he is snapping at you, he is grumpy. Do you really want your relationship to go like this?
If he doesn't want to talk to you, or spend time with you, then I think you have your answer. He'd rather watch sports or sit on the computer than spend time with you. Is this the relationship you want?
It might be time you start evaluating this relationship for what it is at this very moment in time. Forget what it used to be, forget what it could be. Look at it now. There's some serious issues. If you are willing to give it one more try, don't bring up marriage for awhile. I think once and for all you need to ask him if he is happy in this relationship. My guess is that he will say yes, and that work is what is bringing him down. If that's the case, you need to encourage him to either start looking for other jobs or looking at improving his skills. Ask him what his dream job would be. Honestly, if you two can't sit down and have a conversation about something like this, then you can't have a conversation about anything. If he is unwilling to take the steps to improve his situation at work, then he's basically just given in to being miserable for the rest of his working days. I'm sure that's something you don't want to deal with.
Let me know if you need anything else.