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General Dating Questions/Should I Keep Pursuing?


I have known, not very well, this guy in the orchestra I'm in for a couple years. I have always thoght he was kind of cute, so about a month ago I worked up the courage to give him my number. We started texting and would text quite often, and he would often initiate. I will catch him looking at me during rehearsals, something he did before we started texting too. After a couple weeks, the texting slowed, and I would often have to initiate. We eventually hung out, and we ended up talking for hours. It seemed like he had a nice time and he gave me a hug and kissed me on the cheek. I waited for him to text me afterwards, but eventually gave in and texted him a few days later. Texting wasn't as fluid as it was before, and the last text I sent him was one telling him that I had a fun time talking to him, he didn't reply to that. We haven't texted since then, and when I saw him at rehearsal he didn't seem to have much interest talking to me. He is a really nice guy, and I like him a lot and it seemed like he thought so as well in the beginning, but not so much any more. I'm a pretty forward person, and don't mind pursuing him, however, I don't know if I should continue. Things go well when we are together, but not so well when we text. Is it worth going after him if he doesn't show much initiative?

Hello Maggie!

First of all: GREAT JOB! I'm proud of you for approaching him and giving him your digits. Too many women play these dumb misdirection and subtlety games thinking that's supposed to make guys want to approach them. To us guys confusion = distance, not the other way around.

You hit one of your biggest problems directly on the head: texting. I constantly see this happening in otherwise great possibilities. You text the life right out of any potential relationship! Please, PLEASE stop doing this! You've been trying to hold your dates via texting!

I can't get into all the science behind this but understand that texting (and in fact, using any technology) hastens the process that our brains go through in the courting process. The problem is that we can't hit the benchmarks in time! We go through curiosity, interest, attraction, etc., etc. all too fast to keep up. Thus, we start texting MORE in order to try to hit those targets which hastens things even more. It becomes a vicious cycle.

It's very likely that he's past his "shelf life" on things now. He may have cooled off or may simply be frustrated. You now want to ask me, "Then why doesn't he do something about it?" Well, the answer is simple: he doesn't know what to do or how to do it! Frankly, very few guys do.

Maggie, you have a narrow window of opportunity in which to make things happen with a guy. Texting only shortens that window. Now you're going to have to work even harder.

Here's what I suggest: approach him and recommend that you and he spend some more time together. Suggest something fun to do. Since you're both musicians, maybe a concert or going to a music museum would be fun. You don't actually have to set the date. You can simply say, "I'd love to go visit [whatever] with you. I'm available Thursday or over the weekend" [or whenever]. Then let him pick things up. Either he will or he won't.

If he does, you haven't lost him - yet. If not, you'll know where you stand.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Remington Publications
Publishers of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I & II"
Producers of "BAM! TV"

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder


I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: You can email me directly at:


I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

Doctor of Philosophy

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