General Dating Questions/my life problem
QUESTION: Hello, I want to tell you something and hopefully you can help me.
Some background info - I am a 28yo male, married for a couple of years and have been suffering on and off from depression for a good few years. Most of my depression is related to me and my personality. I should try to explain a bit more. I have always been a quiet and shy person. I get on well with pretty much anyone but I dont have any close friends, even among members of my family who I rarely see. I guess at times I feel lonely and would like to be more 'normal' (you probably hate that word but there it is). The situation is probably not helped by my wife working out of the country during the week and only back at weekends. Lately I have tried to be a bit more sociable with my work friends and also my wifes sister and her partner (just together, not married or engaged). I have been to see a counseller to talk about my depression and other issues for a few weeks. This week was a very tough week, I think things just got on top of me a bit too much - being lonely, cold weather, wife away etc.. and a bad week in work. On one of the evenings, my wifes sister came round for a cup of tea and a chat and I guess she could see something wasnt quite right with me and was asking questions. I guess I was at a particularly low point so I blurted out everything about how I had been feeling lately etc... and had a bit of a cry. My wifes sister offered me a hug which is just what i needed. However, as we separated, I kissed her. Im not really too sure what happened next, I think she was just surprised and caught offguard really while I apologised. Im not sure how long she stayed before getting a taxi, might have been 5mins or 30mins, its all a blur. Since then I have thought of nothing else. It's probably not helped by the fact that I find my sister in law very attractive and I think about her quite a bit while masturbating during the week/in shower etc... Ive even fantasised about her wearing her bridesmaid's dress for me. I guess all of this has me more confused than ever!
What do you think about my situation?
ANSWER: Hello Damien,
I’m sorry to hear of your struggles with depression and life in general. I truly believe life is meant to be joyful. It is your journey right now to discover why you are pinching off the joy life has to offer you. I commend you for seeking counseling on the matter. A very important first step indeed. Was anything resolved or brought to the surface through traditional counseling? You may also consider clinical hypnotherapy for your depression. Hypnotherapy can work wonders for depression, self-esteem issues, etc. The results can be seen quickly as well. I can’t recommend it highly enough for you. It has been immensely helpful in my life.
I have a few questions for you. Does your wife know of your depression? If so, did she know about it prior to your marriage? Also, was your wife working out of the country before you got married? The reason I am asking these questions is to get a clearer picture of how much your wife actually knows about your internal environment. It would be important for her to at least know the basics of your condition. I do not advocate making your wife your therapist, so there definitely are things you can and should keep to yourself (i.e. finding her sister attractive, fantasizing about her sister in the shower). However, you will need to be upfront about the way you are feeling that is causing you to act out in strange ways, i.e. kissing your wife’s sister. At this point, you really have no choice. You need to come clean and be honest with your wife. Should she find out what happened between you and her sister from her sister rather than from you, things will be far worse than if you tell her. It’s the lesser of two evils in this case. Your wife’s sister is likely struggling with what to do at this point as well in terms of whether or not to tell her sister, and what exactly she tells her as well. You want to be the one to set the record straight, so it needs to come from your mouth first. I’m not going to sugarcoat this. You will be in for a lashing from your wife, but again, you really have no choice. You need to tell her your feelings of loneliness and depression so that she hopefully realizes that was the motivation for you trying to kiss her sister. It was a moment of vulnerability and weakness and reassure her that it was groundless, and that you are dedicated to getting your internal environment under control and into a good place. Even then, she will still likely be quite mad at you, but rightfully so.
There may be some who disagree with me here, but I believe it to be a “normal” occurrence for men to occasionally fantasize about other women. It is simply the way our brains our wired. That is not just an excuse but a scientific reality. Men are programmed to “spread our seed” as much as possible. However, what separates the real men from the boys is the ability to have these thoughts, urges, etc., but not act upon them. That is where emotional maturity comes into play. That is an area of growth for you to focus on.
In closing, I think that you need to take a real good look at yourself in the mirror and decide without any doubt that you will do whatever it takes to make yourself mentally and physically healthy (they do go hand-in-hand) from this point forward. You also need to learn to communicate your feelings to your wife in a way that appeals to her. Usually the best way to accomplish this is to present your feelings as though you are wanting her help so that the two of you can work together to achieve your goals. That is what a supportive spouse should do, and you need to be able to return the favor to her someday as well should she require such assistance. I know you have the power inside of you right now to make all the positive changes in your life necessary to fulfill your desires. Believe in yourself, lift yourself up as much as possible, be grateful for everything you have now and go from there with determination to feel better and better every day. If I can be of further assistance, please let me know.
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Hi Mike,
Thanks for you reply, lots to think about.
Firstly my wife does know about the depression and did before we got married. However, it has become more frequent in the last few years.
Do you think I should talk to my sister in law about what happened or go straight to my wife first?
You say that it is normal to fantasise, however mine is becoming an almost obsession. I think about her a lot, and have fantasies/scenes I play out in my head and always check my phone to see if I have any messages from her etc... With my depression I dont get suicidal but I do get indifferent so in a way a part of me thinks "go on, try it on with her, see what happens" and I dont care about the outcome. That sounds bad but Ive probably not explained it very well. I suppose in a way part of me just wants to shut out the rest of the world and be left alone if that makes sense?
Hopefully this gives you some more to go on, if not let me know and il try to answer as best as i can...
You're welcome Damien. I hope my answer was helpful. I definitely think you should talk to your sister in law first before going to your wife. If you don't, it could create and even more awkward situation for your sister in law with your wife. Talk to your sister in law to clarify what happened that night, explain yourself as best you can't without going overboard, and get on the same page with her so that your story is in line with hers to alleviate any confusion with your wife. I hope you realize the seriousness of this event. It could end up being detrimental to your marriage more than you realize.
I know that your depression is talking and telling you not to care. However, if you we're coming from a rational state of mind, you would care. You need to ask yourself how important your marriage is to you. If it is of the utmost importance as I hope it is, you need to committ yourself wholeheartedly to becoming a better man and to improving your internal environment until you are as happy and healthy as you want to be. There are so many avenues and resources for getting help for your depression issues. Diet, exercise, and natural supplementation are key for helping your mind and body get into a healthy state. If you need help on nutrition and/or supplementation, I have a fairly vast knowledge on the subject.
You need to get clear on where you want to go from here. Ultimately, the choice is yours.