General Dating Questions/A woman's intentions

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QUESTION: Hello Dr. Neder.

A few months ago, I was in contact with a woman named Kimberley whom I met at an online dating site. We were making plans to meet and I was planning to call her on the day and time we agreed upon, but I was so swamped with other things going on in my life that she said to forget about it. Then we texted each other, telling and revealing each other's drawbacks and eventually we ended the conversation on a friendly note, and I vowed never to contact her again. But on a Monday night, she texted me just like that! Can you believe it? What's funny is that I was thinking about her on Monday morning as I was heading to work and hoped she was happy and well, and now I got a text message from her that same night! Well, she wanted me to call her, so I did and we both admitted that we really missed our chats. We have so much common and one of our interests is writing. So, we decided to give each other another chance, but she specifically said that she is only looking for a friend, not a boyfriend. However, I want something more and I'm just wondering if she is just saying that as a pretense. I told her that all the best relationships starts off as friends. She was amused by the comment and we are making plans to meet this coming weekend. What makes me confused about all this is why would she contact me out of the blue, only to say that she just wants to be friends, that is, as writing partners, but nothing more? What is she trying to tell me?

Best regards,

Glen

ANSWER: Hello Glen!

First, NONE of the best relationships start off as "friends". Where in the hell did you hear that??? Trust me on this one: becoming friends first bleeds the most important thing that early successful couples share from the relationship itself: passion. That's a total loss-leader Glen. Stop thinking that way.

Second, this girl doesn't want a "friend". She wants a guy that will make her toes curl and that she thinks about every waking minute. Girls don't feel that way about "friends". They are convenient - not compelling or mandatory.

Third, what she wants is for YOU to be the friend now that you've blown it and agreed with her! She knows you're not a serious player or one that could make her heart beat out of her chest. Thus, she figures she'll use you for what she can and thus, not have to give you what you want. What is it she wants? Male attention. You're the perfect guy to give her that! After all, you don't expect your own needs to be met and thus, will serve her needs instead because you won't stand up for yourself or believe in yourself or your own goals, needs, wants, etc. Good going.

She contacted you "out of the blue" to give you a chance to be the man she needed you to be. She dangled some consolation prize of being "friends" in front of your nose and you jumped at it out of fear of not having anything else. Now that you've settled, you're stuck with crumbs instead of the meal.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! Productions
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publisher of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III"
Producer of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Dr. Neder.

As a matter of fact, I told her that I don't want to be "friends", I want a relationship, something substantial. Therefore, I wished her luck and now she's coming after me. How am I doing so far?

Best regards,

Glen

ANSWER: Hello again Glen!

She wants to be friends and "writing partners" and you've agreed to meet her under those conditions.

That's how you're doing so far.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! Productions
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publisher of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III"
Producer of "BAM! TV"


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Dr. Neder.

So, basically your advice is to forget her and move?


Best regards,

Glen

Answer
Hey Glen!

No. My advice is to get educated and learn to do the right things. Maybe then you'll have a chance with her - and other girls as well.

If you already had those skills you'd be able to turn this around. You've already screwed yourself in this situation and before (WAY before) you could move anything where you wanted it you'd have to fix all of that first. THEN, maybe you'd have a chance.

I don't know whether it's worth all that effort to you or not. You likely don't know what's involved in doing this and just how unlikely you are to actually accomplish it. Thus, you'll probably go with it anyway.

Glen, I'm not saying any of this as an attack. I'm trying to answer your question. You don't have the foundation to do any of this or, frankly, you'd never have let it happen in the first place.

What you will do and what you should do are often very different things.

I had this exact same situation last year with a client. He had actually been dating a girl for a month when she pulled the "friends" thing on him. He was farther along than you are now - they had even slept together.

I worked with him for a number of months (via phone) and he's now living with her in a place they both picked out together and are very, very happy. That's what I want for you as well. The problem is the knowledge-gap here. It takes a very direct, specific, organized effort to fix this sort of problem. Are you up to it? I don't know - only you know that.

If you are, I suggest that you get working on that education I've talked about. If not, move on, but know that you still lack those skills.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! Productions
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publisher of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III"
Producer of "BAM! TV"

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

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I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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Doctor of Philosophy

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