General Dating Questions/Me's behavior
I often ask myself why do men always seems to think that a girl is attracted to them or is trying to have sex with them just because she's friendly. I'm a 48 year old, sexy and young looking woman that takes care of herself, intelligent and a good conversationalists. I don't see why I should talk to men any different that anybody else, just because they're men. I don't use bad language or dress in an inappropriate way, at the contrary, I'm quite a lady. I often wander if is me the one that's giving the wrong message or is the way that men think. I hate to think that unfortunately, I can't have a friendly casual conversation with men just because at some point of the conversation, he'll say something disrespectful, or maybe comment with other men behind my back that I was trying to get in his pants. Do I really need to behave like a bitch in order not to get misinterpreted? (maybe that's why I hear men complaining that we girls don't give them a chance)
Your opinion is very much appreciated.
First off, it's not just guys that do this. Women are far more likely to assume that a guy wants to sleep with her than not. Second, and more to the point, why is that such a bad thing???
There are a number of reasons for this however. The biggest reason why is simply this: you girls constantly misdirect and give off the wrong signals. Guys have no clue how to read them and thus, either ignore or misread them.
For instance, when you're interested in a guy, you don't return phone calls, you act aloof, you try to seem "too busy" or "just out of reach", you try to change date plans at the last minute, return phone calls by texting, return texts hours or days later (we know damn well you have your mobile right there in your hand when our texts is sent), you introduce faux "boy friends" as possible competitors, etc., etc. You try to give off all the signals of NOT being interested in the guy out of fear of looking "desperate"!
You do this thinking that that somehow motivates him to pursue you. (It doesn't by the way.) You think that by being a challenge or being mysterious that it entices men and what winds up happening instead is that the guys go after easier, smarter targets. Then, you write to me asking why the guy seemed interested and then stopped calling or wouldn't return your phone calls.
When you try to give off the right signals you're way, way too subtle about it. You think that by posting something on your FB wall that the guy should just "get it" or that he should be able to read your mind. No. He won't "get it" and no, he can't read your mind.
There are (extremely rare) women that don't do this however. These are the women that have the guy the want falling all over himself to try to make her happy. These are "relationship minded" men by the way.
You see, there are guys that will play these dumb games with you. However, they are far more interested in the game itself - not in you. As soon as you give in and start becoming attached yourself, start investing in him and a potential relationship, these guys are gone looking for the next game to play.
Now, of course, *YOU* don't do these dumb things (every woman I talk to says the same thing) but in fact, you very likely do. Then you wonder why; when you're simply being chatty and engaging that men don't get your lack of interest.
No, you don't have to be a bitch and no, you don't have to avoid talking to men but you do need to be overt about your lack of interest. You haven't given me any specific scenarios to address but in general this can take a number of forms.
For instance, don't use men for attention! I constantly try to explain to men that to you girls; attention is like sex is to us. Most women don't give away free sex and frankly, men shouldn't give away free attention either. But; just like men seek sex, you seek attention. Stop doing that.
Next, use other time-proven techniques like talking about your "boyfriend" or mentioning that you have a girlfriend that you think might be "perfect" for him. There are many of these.
Likewise, don't let men buy you drinks or fix your car or help you move furniture, give you gifts, help your career or anything else. These are often things that women who are interested in a guy do in order to ingratiate themselves to him.
Stop making men "friends" as well. Many, many guys simply don't understand this "trick". They rarely are looking to be your friend. Instead, they are hoping to "work it from the inside"; expecting that you'll eventually see what a great guy he is and fall in love with them. Of course, you and I know that never works. So, when you create a friend out of some guy stop and think about the exchange. Is it "mutual" (it rarely is). Is he really your "friend" or a "surrogate boyfriend" - a stand-in until the guy you want to be with shows up?
Finally, recognize that; just like you, men have their own agendas. Yours isn't "bad" nor is any guy's "bad". They just "are". You need to be aware of other's needs in that way and play to (rather than "with") them. Trust me on this: us guys have to do that with you all the time.
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”