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General Dating Questions/Confused as to why he's mad!

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QUESTION: I've been dating this guy for two months. He told me he wanted to go really slow because he's been burnt before and wasn't ready for a commitment (this was at the beginning) so I was dating him and someone else. I really like this guy and decided it was time to talk to him about it. Well someone from work also told me about a rumor that he was messing around with his ex. This is nothing new since rumors go around like crazy at work. I've discussed the ex with him before and he reassured me that they were just friends and I believe him.
Anyway, so when I messaged him about the rumor, I was very polite about it and let him know that I trust him and knew he'd tell me the truth. I also went into the fact that I really like him and wanted to know how he felt about dating exclusively and that I had been seeing someone else but I didn't think he cared because he had told me he wanted to go slow and wasn't ready for a commitment. Well, he messaged me back saying that it didn't matter if he was seeing his ex or not because I was seeing someone else and how could I even think I had an argument since I was seeing someone else. He closed off his message telling me that him and his ex were just friends. Now he won't even talk to me! I have no idea what I did wrong or what to do now. Please help!!! I really like this guy.

Thanks!

ANSWER: Hello Kristna!

First off, let me tell you what "taking it slow" really means:

It means, "I don't want to take any risks. I want YOU to take all the risks. We'll start and I'll measure my investment in you and any potential relationship based first on what YOU do and what risks YOU take. Then, once you're on the hook and have taken all the risks and are emotionally invested and can get your heart broken, then, maybe I'll see if I'm willing to give you more."

Wow. How romantic!

Kristna, understand this: relationships (at least "good ones") are all about risk. The people in them have to move forward based on faith (and of course, drive) in order to have the things you really want. Good relationships are also based on passion. You often have to throw at least some caution to the wind in order to be fully involved in whatever it is you're going to have - but that comes from BOTH sides, not just one.

Does any of what you're talking about here sound like that? Not to me it doesn't. Ultimately, what do you end up with if you agree to "take it slow"? Answer: something so bland, non-exciting, uninspiring and luke-warm that I wouldn't want anyone stuck in it!

So, here you both are. He wants YOU to be exclusive and once you've taken that step, he'll "consider it". I don't think that's a very good idea.

You need to sit down and have another talk with him, but this time, do it right. Forget all this ridiculous crap about "taking it slow". Forget about "understanding" and him being hurt before - we have ALL been hurt before! He doesn't get some special treatment just because he's a little too sensitive! Come on here!

Now that you know the difference (you DO know the difference, right?) explain to him what you want, need and expect. Also tell him that you don't give a shit about all this stupid posturing or his fears or whatever. If he's an adult (he IS an adult, right?) then he needs to get his own shit cleaned up so he can move forward too. It's not YOUR responsibility to fix his little boo-boos.

If he can't do that, he's simply not the guy for you. It's better to know that now than to continue to invest and take all the risks that some coward won't.

Right???

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! Productions
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publisher of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III"
Producer of "BAM! TV"

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks for your advice! After reading your answer, I texted him and told him I wasn't going to wait around and he needed to either talk to me or tell me he didn't want to continue things. He said he just didn't understand why I would care if the rumors were true when I was seeing someone else. Anyway, I'm going to his place tomorrow and we are going to talk so I think the fact that he's willing to talk is a good sign.
thanks again!

Kristina

Answer
Hello again Kristina!

Good luck!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
President/CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
Remington Publications
BAM! Productions
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
http://beingaman.tv
Publisher of "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III"
Producer of "BAM! TV"

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

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I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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Doctor of Philosophy

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