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General Dating Questions/The frustration of miscomunication

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My girlfriend and I have been dating now for about 7 months and living together for about 4 months. I'm 22 and she turns 23 in 3 weeks. A month and a half ago (6 weeks to the day, to be exact), we sat down and had a rare talk (it's not easy to get her to open up to me) and she expressed to me that we were having sex a little more frequently than she wanted to. She went on to say that she wasn't as horny as I usually was, and we only had sex so frequently because she knew I wanted it. But ideally, she would only want to have sex maybe once, but no more than twice a week. This was a huge change from having sex 3-4 times a week, but since I knew it was hard to get her to voice her opinion about things, I agreed. In fact, I backed off completely and for about two weeks, I made no sexual passes at her nor did I bring up the topic of sex. I did this in hopes that she would eventually come to me and be the one to initiate things. No such luck. All sexual contact seemed to stop after our talk. But I didn't want to pressure her into thinking that she was obligated to pleasure me. So two weeks after our talk, I started mastubating (behind her back though. For whatever reason, she doesn't like the idea of masturbation) to relieve some sexual tension of mine. After a month, we still hadn't engaged in any sort of sexual activity (including oral (giving or receiving) vaginal, kissing (on the lips) or general fooling around) so I brought it up to her. She just told me that she hadn't been in the mood. I asked her how she felt about our relationship, and she earnestly thought things couldn't have been better between us. Which, if the absence of a sex life was ignored, there wasn't anything wrong between us. I wish she would talk more so I could know what she was thinking half the time, but she probably wishes I would remember to leave the toilet seat down. No relationship is perfect. She has a significantly lower libido than I do, and that's not her fault. We just had sex for the first time in 6 weeks last night, and she was the one who inititated it. It was probably the best sex we've ever had, and I don't think that's the sex deprivation talking. But after 6 weeks of no sexual contact, I couldn't help but to feel like a dick for wanting to make this issue a bigger deal than what it really was. Actually, this could still be an issue. Do I have to wait on her to be the one to initiate sex all the time? I can't help but to feel like a typical dude trying to get laid if I'm constantly making sexual advances on her with the knowledge that she doesn't want sex nearly as much as I do. But if I do have to wait on her, is it realistic to be expected to go a month (or longer) between sexual encounters? (Forget sex, we didn't even kiss on the lips for that 6 week stretch.) How many times does the typical couple have sex a week? I know she's not cheating on me because we work at the same job, with the same hours (but we don't work in the same office) and we live together. But what could cause her to have such a low sex drive? (I'm not sexually unappealing either. I'm 6' tall, active in sports and I lift weights every weekday). And lastly, is it a deal breaker if a couple's sex drive is too different from each other? Thanks for taking the time to read this, and I hope to hear from you soon.

Answer
Hi Jacob,

Thank-you for your question. I can assure you that you are not alone in this situation. There are many men out there whose girlfriends, wives, etc. are not wanting sex nearly as much as they do. It is natural for (most) men to have a high sex drive. The same cannot be said for women. Some women have insanely high sex drives, almost like a man, while others donít seem to need or want it at all! So what do we do? The first thing to realize is that it is normal for a couple to have more sex in the beginning stages of dating, also known as the ďhoneymoon phase.Ē Both parties will be putting their best foot forward during the honeymoon phase, so a few things are bound to change once you graduate from that stage into a full-time relationship, especially when you decide to move in together so quickly. Why was that decided by the way? It is such a HUGE step to take after only dating for 3 months. You are a brave man! So if a woman does not naturally have a high sex drive, it will be artificially higher during the initial stages of dating because it is new, exciting, and she wants to keep you around! Women cannot help but do this. It is intuitive to them. They know how to keep us coming back, what can I say.

The second thing to realize is that you cannot CHANGE her, in any capacity really, but especially in the sex department. At least she had the decency and integrity to be honest and upfront with you about her sexual desire, or lack thereof. Most men donít even get that luxury. What you will need to do is really spend some good quality alone time and sort through your thoughts and feelings on the subject of sex. How often do you want it? Are you willing to compromise your sexual desires to be with an otherwise great girl? And there is no right or wrong answer here. The point of this exercise is to get very clear in your mind on whether or not sex is important enough to you to move away from this relationship and find another. Only you can truly answer that for yourself. For some, yes, lack of or bad sex is a deal breaker. For others, itís not. I can say from personal experience that while I enjoy having sex, I could personally have it with a frequency of once a week or even once every other week and feel perfectly content. I am also engaged and have been with her for almost 2 years.

Now, aside from you figuring out in your own mind how important sex is to you in a relationship, what concerns me is the total lack of intimate contact during those 6 weeks. That is a major red flag I hate to say. My gut tells me this girl may have baggage, especially of the sexual nature, that you are not aware of. It could have been bad sexual encounters, experiences, or worse, abuse. I donít want to assume anything, but when you tell me it is hard for her to open up to you AND she has a low sex drive, that tells me thereís something going on inside her head that she isnít telling you. Something that makes her feel uncomfortable about being intimate and sexual with another person. If I were you, I would try to ask her such questions in the most supportive way possible. This is not something that can be swept under the rug. It needs to be addressed or you will just be spinning your wheels in this relationship until you canít take it anymore and leave. Remember, you are only 7 months into this relationship, and this is already how she is responding to intimacy. I smell trouble here. It is good on you for wanting to be a gentleman and respect who she is. That is admirable and highly encouraged. But you will need to address this directly with her sooner rather than later, so that you can access things from a clearer perspective. I hope this helps. I wish you luck.  

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Mike Lamb

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My expertise is in answering questions from men about dating women. I have a wealth of knowledge pertaining to nearly all facets of the dating world today. We all know that there are ways to be successful in dating, but what are they? I can answer that for you. I want to teach you how to find not just any woman who will date you, but the RIGHT woman who has long-term potential for a healthy relationship. That starts with how you act and treat women in the very beginning of the dating stages. I can teach how to get there and stay there for the duration of the relationship, on into marriage if that's where it leads. My aim is to teach you to respect yourselves as men first, to be gentlemen, and to change your life for the better. That is my passion. I want to support all good men in successful dating practices. I am not here to offer pick-up techniques or to help you get women into bed. My purpose is more noble than that. I cannot answer questions pertaining to psychology or psychological problems as these would best be addressed by a licensed mental health counselor.

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For over a decade, I have dedicated myself to becoming a better man and to understanding women. This has led me to all sorts of seminars, training programs, books, etc. There is a wealth of information out there, but how much of it really is useful in real-world application? I have narrowed down the best and most-relevant information for men as it pertains to dating. This is information I have tested and learned in the real world from personal experiences and also gathered from the personal experiences of those closest to me.

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