General Dating Questions/Totally Blindsided...

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QUESTION: Dennis — I was a proud owner of your book, BAM, until I lost it in a move, so I’m very happy to find you on this site. Hope you can help me...I’ve been blind-sided with something, and wish some advice on how to handle it.

Girlfriend and I are both in our 40's. I’m single (and she’s a babe). We’ve been seeing each other for the past 10 months. Initially we became intimate while she was unhappily married (I’m not proud of this). She pursued me, and we hit it off immediately. We had an incredible sex life, best ever for me (and she repeatedly said it was best ever for her too). A month after she met me, she said she loved me. Three months after we met, she filed for divorce.

We kept in contact every day, by dozens of texts, emails, and through a few phone calls. Throughout our relationship, she has told me that I have treated her unlike any man she ever knew. She said I was her best friend and she constantly referred to our ‘amazing connection’ and loved the many things we had in common. She said she believed that no man could ever make her feel like I did. She said she couldn’t live without me. I was told this daily. Every morning, she texted me good morning. Every night, goodnight. Without fail.

I was “it” and she let me know.

Our relationship suffered a bit while she was going through the divorce proceedings. She had to work constantly, has teenage kids, and was suddenly the sole provider for the household as she received no money until the divorce was final. Her family and friends disagreed with the divorce (religious reasons), and refused to support her in any way.

Three times during her divorce, she broke it off with me, due to “overwhelming stress” (her reason), but each time came tearfully back to me within a week, promising to never leave me again, fearful that each time she left she lost me for good. Each time, I took her back. She begged that I never be the one to leave her. And the cycle of intense communication and eager visits began anew. After all, I knew her so well, and stood by her when everyone else abandoned her, she said. I built up her confidence with my advice and acceptance of her. She said she loved that about me and appreciated it to no end, and that I was amazing. I ate it up. She gave me non-stop and eager sex as a reward. Anything I wanted. I was hooked.
  
About a month ago, her divorce became final. Up until then, we were a secret.

I had made a plan where I called her up, and pretended I was an acquaintance who heard she just got divorced, and in that way, we became a new couple who just began to date, and the stigma of the affair was able to be covered up under the pretense that we “just met” each other. We had several successful public dates as a “new couple,” and she seemed delighted by this.

Her messaging and communication with me was more intense than ever, and she seemed eager for our dating life to continue, even telling her kids that I was a potential new man in her life. I was pretty happy as all the bad stuff, presumably from the divorce, seemed behind us and she seemed ready and eager to get on with our life together. I was looking forward to us dating openly and maybe having a future.

We had a couple of very good dates right around Christmas with friends. We made plans for a nice night out on New Year’s....and then the phone call from out of the blue came the other morning.

The previous evening, she texted me that she was at home, drinking, and her “head was about to explode.” She said she had another emotional meltdown. I called her up, calmed her down, and I tucked her into bed over the phone, but did not really find out what her problem was.

The next morning, the fateful call. She says tearfully, and having a hard time with her words, that has to never see me again, because she “has to follow her heart and not her head.” “Something” came up in the last few days, and there’s “something” she has to take care of. She has to do it. Even though I was a perfect man for her. And without her saying anything else, I realize she’s telling me she wants to be with another guy (I have a very good idea it’s a guy from a previous affair she had. I had sensed a few times early on that she had some unfinished business.)

Gut punch.

I didn’t argue with her, beg, or plead. I was fairly quiet (stunned). I told her good luck and goodbye and wished her to be happy. No contact since.

We had broken up before for “space” and “stress” reasons, and she always came back (as I always felt she would) but there seems to be no recovery from this.

I cannot believe or understand where in the hell this came from. I looked through our texts from the last 10 days and could find nothing in them warning of this. In fact, our messaging was some of the most loving and fun stuff we ever shared with each other, full of plans and good feelings.

Any advice on how to recover from this, and how to handle her? Should I have any contact with her ever again? I crafted an email I wanted to send to her (but didn’t), telling her goodbye and basically that I don’t care what she does anymore, but I really want to scream at her, “What The Fuck!!”

Clueless and wounded in the Midwest.

ANSWER: Hello Roger!

First - thanks for supporting the cause! I'm sorry you lost your book however. Contact me through the website (http://BeingAMan.com) and I'll what I can do.

I'm also sorry to hear you're going through all of this; the foundation of which is simply that she's a "crazy maker". In other words, she creates drama in her life and in other's and doesn't feel alive or whole when things are stable. Interestingly, it's that stability that she needs most.

In reading your question I'm having a little difficulty separating fact from assumption. Do you know she's back with this other guy? Do you know that the previous breaks were really about getting her head on straight and not just being with this other guy?

Also, what do you want here? Do you want to try to put this back together and fix this? Do you want just some closure and a way to relieve the frustration? Are you looking for an understanding? Specifically, what can I help you with?

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks for getting back to me. I can see where I may have been unclear. Maybe i will still be unclear...

To answer your questions, no, I do not know for sure she’s back with this other guy specifically (just that she has now let me know that she has chosen to be with someone else and won’t see me any longer)...and I only have my suspicions on who it is. Still a shock, as her call came from nowhere. I had not one clue. As for the so-called stress breaks, I had clues.

When we began our relationship, her the aggressive pursuer, she indicated to me that she had been hurt in her last relationship, and she let me know that she had really cared for the guy. I could see a lot of emotion was involved when she talked about it (she only spoke about it very early in our time together and wanted to make sure I wouldn’t treat her the same way). How they ended, and what happened between them, I never found out. I just had a sense that this other guy was a source of unfinished business for her, and I had, perhaps naively, believed that the past was over with, as she seemed completely and totally in to me (except for those ‘breaks’).

Yeah, thinking back, I do not know the real reasons behinds the breaks, only the reasons she told me. A couple of my friends, hearing of these breaks between us, seemed to think they were total bullshit. Her “meltdowns” could come from a variety of factors, one of which could be this other guy.

So, maybe during our breaks, she was with a guy, but something tells me no...when she pulled away, so did I, and she often told me she was upset I never checked on her, something I don’t think she would’ve cared about if she was with someone else.

On the other hand, if she was with a guy, the reasons she would return to me is that he would not commit to her at the time. Perhaps, this last time, he did offer a commitment. So I got the phone call.

Crazy maker seems right. I would say in our 10 months that we had no more than 10 consecutive days of drama-free life. Very difficult to move on, though, as I’m a curious fellow, and do not understand what is happening. Hard to get by her repeated statements of how very special I was/am and how no one ever did the things I did to her. Ego-stroking stuff, and I believed her. I saw her reactions. Those would’ve been hard to fake. Hard to get by the mind-blowing sex and extraordinary chemistry and the closeness of our daily communication. She was into me. As late as a few days ago. Yet, now she says she can’t see me. Again, what the fuck?!

So, there’s my problem. I believe in our connection. She has never been able to go longer than 6 days without communicating with me. Somewhere down the line, I believe she will come back to me with something. This has happened to me in relationships twice before, with the girl leaving for someone else, only to realize, that yeah, I was much better to them and for them, and they wanted to maybe come back, if I would take them (neither time I did). But this one....


So, do I want to try to put this back together and fix this? Yes, if possible (but I suspect not possible - only time will tell)....Do I want just some closure and a way to relieve the frustration? Yes....Am I looking for an understanding? Absolutely....

Thanks.

ANSWER: Hello again Roger!

First off, let me say this: you need to learn how to handle these "breaks". Frankly, they are abusive and manipulative and you shouldn't put up with them. I go into all of this in much greater detail in BAM2 but for now, know that you have choices should the situation ever arise again.

A year and a half ago, I worked with a guy in exactly the same situation you're in right now. He was with a girl that did all the pursuing, had incredible sex, connection, fun, etc., and she would "make crazy" with him all the time too. One day she just up and ended things without much of an explanation.

I worked with him via phone counseling for a few months and he is now living with this woman, the crazy-making has stopped and she's completely devoted to him; thus, I know that this can be turned around. What I don't know is if you're willing to do that much work here. There are definitely other great women out there that wouldn't take this much investment.

Obviously, I can't read her mind but the most likely scenario is that she bolted out of feeling insecure about you and/or the relationship. She may see this (or some other) guy as a solution to that but crazy-making is usually a sign of insecurity; if not full-blown mental illness!

That's where you'd have to focus your energy to turn this around. I wish you had handled the breakup differently too. You wouldn't be in this situation if so. Both of these come down to one simple thing: your strength in the relationship.

For example, in the same situation; if a girl like this tried to dump me, I'd have said, "Oh my god! You are so adorable! You actually think you get to make the final decision? How freakin' cute! I could just eat you up - come here you...."

This is all playful and even a little condescending but it points out exactly what she needed to hear. You'd be shocked (or then, maybe you wouldn't!) by how much this means to women. Obviously, she's thinking only of herself - not about you. This is how you change that and instill doubt in her own decisions.

It's impossible to compete with a ghost. The guy that's not there can easily fill up her mind and attention if you let it. There's nothing wrong with keeping that ghost out of her head with things like "That guy? Don't be silly. If he wanted to be here, he'd be here" and "why waste your time on someone that doesn't see your value? What does that say about YOU?", etc.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks for your replies, Dennis....interesting....

Hmmmmm...hard for me to follow your logic that she’s insecure about me or our relationship. Maybe I'm not getting it....We were dating openly and officially for about two weeks (after nine months of a secret affair, pre-divorce) and it certainly seemed that everything was running smoothly, we had daily contact, which was fun and sexy, and we were making future plans together and I was her man (but apparently something was going on in her head I had no idea about).

In her surprise call to me breaking up, she stated that she wanted us to stop where we were before we got too far along in our dating, because “her heart” was telling her to go elsewhere. I was the choice “her head” was telling her to be with, but I was not her heart’s choice. She said “some things happened over the past few days” and “this was something she had to take care of,” which led me to believe it was her unfinished business guy...There was really “someone else,” she said, and she cannot see me anymore. I (unfortunately, I guess) believed her. I essentially told her whatever, goodbye and good luck. No contact at all from me for past 4 days...but she texted me wishing me a Happy New Year, and can she have some of her stuff back she left with me....I didn’t reply yet, so, that’s where we’re at.

Can you elaborate on her insecurity about me/us? I really do think there is another guy. He exists and she wants to see him. That’s what I believe. I don’t think it’s a ghost. Let's proceed from that assumption, because I believe it's the most likely one to be true.

So, help me understand better. I would like to give this a shot at turning it around. Sounds like a challenge...

Thanks.

Answer
Hey Roger!

Here's the easiest way to think about this: secure women (especially when they're in love) don't make crazy (even when they, themselves are somewhat crazy!) They "feel" and "sense" stability and foundation and view that as the basis for love.

These same women wouldn't risk upsetting the apple cart out of fear of losing that stability; and therefore the relationship. They are far more focused on their partners than even themselves and see what this sort of thing does. It puts at risk something they really want and need.

What I can't say is specifically what her insecurity is/was with you. That's only something I could determine by talking to you. That also leads directly to how to turn all of this around.

The ghost seems to provide her something she doesn't see in you. Keep in mind that it's entirely possible what that is is only her impression - not reality - but to women, and impression is sometimes even more valid than reality! That's why its so important not to let these impressions take hold. When they do, they can be very difficult to fight.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

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I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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Doctor of Philosophy

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