Im a 16 year old girl, and I have been feeling lately that all guys today are just in it for sex, and don't have any respect women or value them for their character.I guess you could say that I've lost hope that there are still gentlemen out there, still guys who treat women right and who are genuine, honest, fun, and caring and just are gentlemen. I'm not trying to generalize against all guys, in fact I hope you prove me wrong! Are there still good, gentlemanly guys out there? Should I keep believing and hoping, or are all guys out there not like that anymore? Thanks so much!
Answer Hi Caety!
I do think there are "gentlemen" out there. And I strongly believe that the way you find them is by avoiding guys who don't measure up. Sometimes we're tempted to settle for less than we wish for because it's "better than nothing." The truth is, it's NOT. "Nothing" is better than filling your life or expending your emotional and sexual capital on a relationship that gives you not much in return, or that simply doesn't measure up to your vision for your future. That relationship you envision can't come into your life while you are busy with sub-par relationships. You are right to be cautious, and to expect to be valued and respected as a person by your partner and the men you date who want to be (or are pretending to want to be!) your partner. Guys who want to have sex may tell you all kinds of things - both flattering and shaming - to get what they want. You're smart to know what they are up to and to value yourself more than that!
You don't say whether or not you are sexually active, but remember too that no matter what the tactics or pressure, there's no reason to become so until YOU are ready and feel it would be good for YOU. And if and when you do, remember respect includes protecting you from STDs and pregnancy with regular condom use.
In the meantime, look at where you are meeting guys. Ask yourself where a guy who shares your values might hang out. Getting more aligned with your own values and spending time doing things that reflect them will put you in the path of a "gentleman!"
I am more interested in asking you the powerful questions that will help you define, attract and create the life you want. This is often more about internal changes than external ones! We’ll focus less on the dos and don't of dating and more on getting out of the way of letting love find you.
In addition to my degrees and certificates, I have fifteen years of coaching experience, through my personalized coaching practice, “Two Bird Coaching.” I’ve worked with hundreds of people from all walks of life, helping them raise their baseline of happiness and make the changes in their thinking that allow their lives to change as well.
Publications “Congenial Alliance: Synergies in Cognitive and Psychodramatic Therapies,” Psychology of
Aesthetics, Creativity, and the Arts, (APA Journal), November 2007.
“Curtailing the Use of Restraint,” Journal of Humanistic Psychology, (APA) v 4, no 2, 2003.
“Symbol in Mediation,” Mediation Quarterly, v 18, no 1, Fall, 2000.
MA in Conflict Transformation, Eastern Mennonite University, Center for Justice and
Peacebuilding, Harrisonburg, VA (GPA 4.0), 1999. Coursework in group dynamics, systems analysis, mediation formats, facilitation mastery.
BA in Comparative Religion and Peacemaking, Kenyon College, Gambier, OH (Magna cum Laude, GPA 3.76), 1995. Phi Beta Kappa; German, Spanish, Religion Dept awards.
Certified Coach, International Coaching Federation, 2009.
Appreciative Inquiry Trained, Jane Macgruder Watkins, 2002.
Certified Practitioner of Psychodrama & Group Psychotherapy, American Board of
Examiners. (Over 800 hours of clinical training & supervision), 2001.