General Dating Questions/My Boyfriend's Ex Is Getting Married
My boyfriend and I we've been dating for a year, and everything until few weeks ago was perfect.
My boyfriend has always been open about his past, I know everything about him or at least that's what I thought . .
3 weeks ago he started acting weird, very distant, always quiet. I asked what's up a lot of times but he always said nothing. One day I asked him again what's wrong, and his answer was short, He said "She's getting married." When I asked who? he told me its his ex. (From what I knew he wasn't that into his ex obviously I was wrong). We got into a huge fight, from where I saw it, there was no reason why he's upset, unless he still loves her. After a day or two, he asked for my support and to be there for him. I really tried, listening to him, comforting him. But, I'm a jealous person and every time we discussed the issue I just got upset.
Last night, I demanded full details. (He has a habit of skipping parts that will make me upset). From what he said, they were together for 3 years, they wanted to get married, but he wasn't financially ready, she wanted marriage, and he told her to do what's best for her. So she left him. 2 Months after that he met me, and he said 'I helped him forget'
Now, I didn't know ANY of this until yesterday. I felt betrayed, I felt like a replacement.
I know he loves me, and he reassured me many times, but I can't help but think that every time he's daydreaming he's daydreaming about her. Or when he's with me she's on his mind. He said he only 'cares' for her, not love her, but for me it's the same thing.
He promised that he'll try to stop it from getting to him and he'll get back to the same guy he was a month ago. And I can tell he wants this issue to be gone already. We were so close, and this just created a gap between us. I want to be okay with it and move on. But I don't know where to start.
Should I continue to be there for him and comfort him? Deep down, I know he doesn't want to break up and I don't want to leave him either.
But what should I do?
Ok, so here's what you accomplished: you haven't fixed anything at all and you've only sent your boyfriend underground with how he feels about things. He's even MORE unlikely to now come to you with anything that's bothering him.
You say you're "jealous" but I think the reality is that you're insecure. No wonder he won't talk to you about things he fears might upset you! Is that really the sort of relationship you want - one where your boyfriend has to tell you only things he thinks won't upset you?
Brooke, you took a situation that he's dealing with and made it about you. Your insecurity, your worries, your betrayal, etc. This isn't about you at all. He's reacting to something that's bothered him. That's all this was and instead of dealing with his feelings about it, it became about you and yours.
Just because he's hurt over his ex getting married doesn't mean that he wishes he was with her and not you. The fact is, he IS with you. Did you bring him in closer or push him farther away?
I don't know the details of the situation between he and his ex, but it's perfectly normal for people to feel a sense of loss like this. It doesn't equate to him not loving you or not wanting to be with you. Keep in mind however, that having a self-centered, uncaring, not-able-to-understand girlfriend does.
As to what you do now, I think you have some soul-searching to do. What happens when he has other concerns about things in his life in the future? He will - just like you will. What are you going to do with those?
I hope this gives you courage to deal with your insecurities and to see those as the source of potential problems in the future if you don't get the worked out.
As to him, yes you should comfort him! If you're the girlfriend that can put aside her own selfishness to see that he's going through something and be supportive and caring, what message does that send to him? Answer: that he needs to see you as someone critically important and hugely valuable in his life.
Based on whether you can do this or not, this can be a relationship-building situation or one that ends everything right here, right now. You have the choice of which.
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”