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General Dating Questions/Ethics in Relationships

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QUESTION: My question is should I be upset that my fiance has had sexual relations with someone who is an in-law of his family and arrives at every happy event for the religious and social gatherings of the family? I ask because I am upset. Especially because he wouldn't accept the same from me and asked me not to be in contact with any of my exes none of whom are in my family or will ever show up for the rest of his life.

He told me that there was an event that she would be at and said he wouldn't go to it because he knew it would upset me. Two days later he said he "had" to go to it because his mom said he had to. Should I be angry that he listens to his mother and lets go of my feelings for her? Or should I sit back and get used to his ex at family events and let his mom get the last word? Or is there nothing I can do so I accept or pack my bags?

ANSWER: need more info..how long have you been seeing him?..when are you supposed to marry?..how long ago did he sleep with her?..how long and how serious was the relationship?..what's been the nature of their relationship since then?

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Seeing him 1.5 years now. To be married next year. He last slept with her ^ 6 months before meeting me. The relationship was on and off again sex for a few years or so he says but it looked somewhat romantic to me from the pictures he saved of her. The nature of their relationship has been hanging out at family events and at every major event in the life of the family.

ANSWER: so since meeting you, do you trust that he has no romantic interest in her?

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I don't think he is interested in her. I just don't like that when I want to hang out with his family I have to think about their past sex life. Family is hard enough. In laws are hard enough without adding sex exes to that for the rest of time.

Answer
so, i think you know the choices, acceptance, or leaving; what he did before you has nothing to do with you, so he can't be faulted and is not going to abandon family; and since i doubt you're gonna leave over it, your only option is to just let it go--he's with you, not with her, so i can understand mild irritation, but anything more you need to just let go; we all have a choice as to what thoughts we dwell on, what one's we dismiss...

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expertise: over 7000 questions answered...B.A. Psychology Bates College;graduate study, Fordham Univ. School Social Work; technical editor, "dating for dummies", 2d edition, by dr joy browne; thoughtful consideration of your question, then insightful advice about love,romance and related issues given in an objective, non-judgmental manner...over 20 years of personal experience in both short and long term relationships...longer term consultations are available upon request...life experience: personal involvement in many relationships where issues of love, sex, intimacy, trust, etc., had to be dealt with and resolved...just having "experiences", however, isn`t enough...it`s the thoughtful reflection upon and analysis of what happened and why, that leads to learning and enlightenment...so tell me what`s on your mind and i`ll try to help, or tell you if i can`t...thanks

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Over 20 years personal experience in dating, including both short and long-term relationships.Thoughtful reflection and analysis upon same, as well as providing imput relating to issues of love and romance to friends and acquaintances.

BA, Psychology, Bates College, Lewiston, Me. Graduate study at Fordham University School of Social Work.

Life experience can really be the only teacher in this area; however going through the experience is not enough. What is necessary is a real awareness, sensitivity to, and reflection upon what has happened, what has been lost, what has been gained. Getting beyond one's own insecurities and subjectivities, and seeing the experience in the context of the bigger picture, are essential stepping stones to learning and loving...ps..azure announces CT matchmaking service..for more, go to wishuponastar-ct.com

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