General Dating Questions/Is he for real?

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QUESTION: Hi Dr. Dennis!
I've sent you a question before and thought your response was right on point. So, if you don't mind, I am sending you another.

I will give you some context so you have something to go off. Here's the story:

I have a crush on one of the customers who comes into my work. We've talked a few times and I decided I would approach him today. The interaction was bizarre and I'm not sure what to make of it. I am going to write what happened and I hope you'll give me your two cents:

I was trying to avoid a creepy customer and I told my crush that when I walked up. He changed the subject and asked if I had fun during the holidays. I chatted about that for a minute and then went back to explaining why I was avoiding this creepy customer. At that very moment, a woman who was obviously shopping with him appeared. She gave me a funny look. I was mortified because for some reason I assumed she was his girlfriend or wife. Anyway, I completely lost my train of thought and started looking down at the floor and kept blabbering and repeating what I had already said about the creepy guy. He said, "Is something wrong? You need to look in my eyes when you're talking to me." I couldn't tell if he was embarrassed for me or using it as an excuse to get me to look into his eyes. I looked at him skeptically for a minute and then blabbered some more. He turned to do something and turned back and said, "It's cool. He can just look at us and see you're protected because I'll kick his ass if he touches you." No doubt everyone within a 15 foot radius heard him say it. That made me uncomfortable, too. The woman he was with was waiting for us to finish our conversation. Then, he turned his back and finished his transaction. I was annoyed with his behavior at this point and I wandered off. When I was about 15 feet away he said loudly, "Thanks for letting me be your piece of meat." Then, he said good bye and called me the wrong name!

First off, I could kick myself for picking such a stupid conversation topic! I guess I was more nervous than I thought. He is generally more reserved also, but always flirtatious. Anywho, I can't tell if he's interested or is trying to play me. When I first met him I thought he was a douchebag because he's so cocky and he's a pro snowboarder. Then, I saw some "good guy" traits. But now I'm not sure. I see him 1-2 times a month and have interacted with him about 10 times. The fact that he doesn't know my name (and hasn't asked me out) makes me think he's not very interested. On the other hand, there's no reason for him to publicly announce he'll kick another guy's ass on my behalf if he just wants to play me. He's 35 and I think he might be married anyway. Obviously, I don't have much invested in this since I only see him once a month. Still, I keep thinking about it! I would appreciate if you could give me your two cents on this guys behavior. You can critique mine too, if you would like, but I already know I wasn't on point!

Have a beautiful day :)

ANSWER: Hello Alia!

Hmmm... You thought my response was "on point"?? Did you actually understand it? I get accused of a lot of things; but rarely of being right.   ;)

No, I'm afraid he's not interested. He was trying to help you and things got weird so he pulled back. At least you now know. I can't comment on his behavior because there are a lot of gaps in your explanation and I wasn't there (don't try to fill them in - bottom line, no interest).

Now, far more important, let's talk about you, shall we?

GREAT JOB! (Sincerely!) The result wasn't what you hoped for, but at least you approached him!

This is something I have to explain to my students all the time: the very first time(s) you try to approach someone, you're very likely going to fuck it up. That's just the way it is. With that in mind however, why not just get started, get the fuck ups out of the way and start learning how to do it right??

At least you approached him! You had context (a reason), you initially made eye contact and was friendly and connected with him, etc. In fact, you did almost everything right! You have NOTHING to be ashamed of here.

The better news is this: the very next time you approach someone you're interested in it's going to be much easier - and you'll be better at it. Every time you approach it gets better and better. You're well on your way here.

By the way, women have approach tools that even us guys don't have. You want to learn those and be able to take advantage of them! You've discovered one of them - asking for personal help (as opposed to an unrelated question like which shirt matches your pants, etc.) If you're interested in learning much more about women's approaches, check out the ebook on my website, "How Women Can Approach Men" as it goes into all of this in much greater detail.

Congratulations!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks for congratulating me! What specifically makes you say "bottom line - no interest"? It kinda sounds like you're saying this one weird interaction put him off, but somehow I don't think that's what you mean. I could use some help in this area. Can you give me an example (or maybe several) of what a guy would do if he was interested?  I am the absolute worst at picking up on these things and I sometimes hold out hope for months! Not surprisingly, I've often found myself dating non-committal men and players in the past. Thanks for your help!

Answer
Hello again Alia!

I have no idea if it was this one interaction, that he simply wasn't interested or he didn't want to show any interest in front of his friend. Either way, if he had been interested, this would have gone very differently.

Guys are very quick to forgive tons a social missteps if they're looking for something (you girls, almost none!) When things began to get awkward, he seemed to try to lighten them up but he didn't follow-up with anything more. That's what tells me there was a lack of interest. Again, I can't say why or where it came from, but it wasn't being awkward.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

Expertise

I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

Experience

I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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Doctor of Philosophy

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