General Dating Questions/repeating patterns


QUESTION: Hi Dennis,
First off, I am kinda heated about this issue so I apologize if I sound angry. I am sending this to you because I have a feeling you will give me a no-nonsense response. Thanks in advance for your help :)

My query is...

Why is it that I always seem to be ignored or disrespected by the men I am seeing/crushing on? I am getting frustrated watching this same b.s. play out over and over in my love life. I am either gonna freak out or give up soon if I don't figure it out. I KNOW it's my own damn fault because I am the common denominator!

I have heard that people can only treat you badly if you let them, but it's not so much about bad treatment as it is about wasted time, unsatisfying relationships and my self-esteem being slowly eroded. I am losing my desire to look good, flirt or talk to men at all. I am frustrated because I can't achieve even a semblance of the relationship I want and I feel like a failure as a woman. I am thinking, "WTF, is something seriously wrong with me?" I think I am totally worthy and totally fetch, and of course I do not tell men this or act like a primadonna, but no man I've ever dated has treated me with the same level of respect and accord in which I see myself. I am not going to demand respect from men because that would be ridiculous; plus, it wouldn't work. I am relaxed and laidback and do not try to direct the flow of any relationship, but this seems to work against me.

I always end up with guys who cheat because they've lied to me about wanting commitment, outright play me or string me along for months only to tell me they can't commit because I'm too insecure. I even discovered that one of my exs was having sex with prostitutes! I feel pretty lousy about all that and it's becoming difficult for me to keep myself fresh and separate from the negativity I feel.

It seems like I am wrong about guys so much of the time that I've started to wonder if I'm imagining that they're attracted to me. Here's an example: there's a guy who comes into my work who has been flirting with me blatantly for months. Since he wasn't doing anything about it, I decided to ask him out for coffee. He said yes, but he never got back to me. WTF. I swear this is always how it goes. I haven't been on a date in almost a year.

Anyway, do you have some thoughts you could share with me? I am particularly interested in how I might update my perspective and let go of all this lameness that happened in the past.

ANSWER: Hello Ali!

Well, I'll give you this: you're clear-headed about things and are open to understanding. I get this same letter from women all the time and it's almost always about how I can help her change the rest of the world to be the way she wants it to be rather than her changing to fit reality.

Guys aren't lying to you about wanting a commitment. I'm sure they do. However, you have a very different idea of what a "commitment" means.

To you, being in a solid, committed relationship equates to lots of good things: security, love, growth, future, status, etc. That's not how men see commitment however.

There was a time when no man could be considered "successful" if he wasn't happily married. Those days are gone however. Men that are in committed relationships are viewed today as somehow weak and unsuccessful - and it's little wonder! To men, being committed like this (or *gasp* married) means loss of freedom, loss of choice, responsibility, stress, reduced status - and many other negative things.

Ali, it's important to understand and embrace that point as you will soon see. Yes, men DO want committed relationships but they want them for different reasons than you do. More important, what being "happy" in a relationship means is also something very different for men than it is to you.

Let's take the example of your ex-boyfriend going to prostitutes. I'd bet you would be shocked at how common this really is. There's a simple reason why it's so by the way: the guy just isn't getting what he wants or needs at home.

As to what that "need" is; it depends on the guy. Some guys are looking for some specific type of sex or even something more adventurous. Something to keep in the back of your mind: every time you let your guy leave you with a round in his chamber, guess where he's pointing that weapon? Answer: at every OTHER woman he passes!

Stop and think about this: have you ever heard of a woman cheating on a guy when she was getting everything she wanted from him? It doesn't happen, does it? That's true of men too.

I have some friends (a couple) that have been together for 13 years and are doing great together. She once told me that part of her morning routine - almost every morning - is to wake her boyfriend up with a blowjob. She even sets the alarm clock. Her reasoning? Simple: she doesn't want him leaving the house with his trigger cocked. He has confessed to me that he's never even considered cheating on her - his quote: "I don't need to". Now, I'm not saying that's the exclusive answer, but it's a very different perspective than most women today have.

One of the biggest problems I deal with today is a sense of entitlement from women when it comes to relationships. They just expect some guy should feel lucky to have her and when the guy doesn't get it, well, it must be the guy's fault. Ali, I'm sorry to tell you this is rarely the case.

In fact, there are lots of skills that men AND women need to learn in order to be good, solid partners for someone else. Nobody comes pre-equipped with them - we all have to learn them. Until you do learn them; learn how to "sell them" and deliver proof that you can and will, you don't deserve to have quality, committed relationships.

The good news is that when you do have and start marketing them, you start experiencing different, better relationships. You start finding guys that want to dote over you because they can't find anything that better matches - and fills - their own needs.

Sexual skill is certainly one of these, but it's not the only one. There are a number of important others that I've written about in many articles and many times here on this site.

My point is this: you can become the best Ali that YOU think you should be, but the real question is; how does that fit what your target market wants? I'm sure you do nice things and are a good person, but the real question is what are you not doing that your target market finds important? As soon as you turn your focus to that, things will change dramatically for you.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: What do you think commitment means to men, in the positive sense? Or being happy inside a relationship? I, too, feel commitment reduces your choices, freedom and independence. I couldn't see myself getting married. I don't think anyone should feel entitled to a quality relationship, but every human being deserves love and the opportunity to create one. We all mess up sometimes and it's really nobody's fault if things don't work out. What are these skills you say I need to learn and market? Other than giving good head. How am i supposed to know what target market wants? I can't run a data analysis on them and at this rate I will be 90 by the time I figure it out! I can't even get a date, it's so not right to be talking about commitment, that's waaaay too advanced! Thanks again for your help.

Hello again Ali!

There are a number of things that men hope for in committed relationships - and unfortunately, too rarely get: a regular, adventurous, enthusiastic, skilled sex partner, a "fun buddy", lack of drama, support and enthusiasm for his interests, encouragement, understanding (especially when he can't vocalize what he's feeling - very common with most men!), a lack of threat and pressure, clarity on what his partner wants and needs, and many other things. These are the things that also make him "happy".

I disagree with you that it's "nobody's fault" when things don't work out. In fact, I believe the opposite: it's both people's "fault". What that fault is differs from couple to couple however.

What skills? Frankly, there are a lot of them and not just sexually speaking. On this point; I've done a lot of polling on this and while 80% of women report being "skilled" only 10% of men say their partners are. That alone should tell you something. The reasons WHY this is true however is a very lengthy discussion indeed!

Yes, learning how to give a good blowjob is certainly one skill women need to work on - trust me. Very, very few women are any good at this skill. I've even been with some adult film stars that don't know what they're doing! But, that's just one skill - there are many, many more. Even knowing your own sexuality extremely well is one of these. If you don't understand yourself, how are you ever going to explain to someone else what you want or need?

What other skills? Again, there are many. For example, how many times have you hear you need to learn how to "communicate"? This has become so over-stated and trite that nobody knows what in the hell it even means! In fact, men and women speak very different languages. It's not that you have to always communicate in your partner's language however. It's often enjoy to know what he means and to respond appropriately to it. I often come down on guys for this same problem by the way.

As to knowing your target market's needs? Well, asking me these questions is the beginning. All that data is what I've built a career on - teaching others what these things are via seminars, books, radio and TV shows, articles and answers right here on AllExperts.

I sense you're making a very common mistake however. You're using your own yardstick as a foundation and then working from there trying to understand "all men". In fact, no two women have the exact same list of wants or needs and neither do any two men. This is why learning how to communicate (and to properly understand what men mean by the things we say) is so critical.

Ali, this really isn't all that complicated regardless of how it appears. You want to make sure you're going after the right information however - from the right sources. I constantly see many so-called "experts" (even right here on this site) that frankly, don't know a damn thing about what they're advising. They've taken something that someone else said, warmed it over and regurgitated it back out as their own. Since it all seems like theory, who can argue with them?

Thus, you want to be very careful about the sources you seek for this knowledge. I'd surmise that; according to your frustration so far, you've been using information from the wrong sources. It might help to forget most of that and start over with re-learning the right things from the right folks.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder


I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: You can email me directly at:


I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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