General Dating Questions/Tips for marriage troubles
QUESTION: Hi Dennis!
Ok some opinion questions here.
I have a ton of questions for a fairly common situation that happens to almost all married/engaged couples at some point. So I'll use a celebrity example that everyone is familiar with.
1. Let's go back to 1994. Do you feel that Nicole Brown Simpson pushed OJ Simpson to the edge and that it was also her fault that she ended up with her neck sliced? No one deserves to die like that and everyone knows OJ is a complete raging lunatic, but do you feel that she had it coming? Everyone in Brentwood absolutely hated Nicole and thought she was an arrogant bitch, but everyone loved OJ and thought he was a sweetheart. I know he was beating her up for years, and that was not cool at all, but do you feel that perhaps she picked on him and verbally abused him continuously for years and that's why he lashed out after getting madder and madder, she was spiting him on purpose to see how far he would go? Do you think that she didn't do a good job of being a good ex-wife and she royally screwed things up with him? Or was OJ just plain nuts and on a killing spree, and he was a psychotic obsessed jealous whackjob who would have murdered any girl of his the moment she talked to any other guy?
2. Let's go back to 2005 when Brad Pitt left Jennifer Aniston for Angelina Jolie.
Do you feel Jen even had a chance? Brad is thousands of miles away from her making a movie with a beautiful cunning woman who is in control of her sexuality and won't hesitate to seduce a married man, a lot different from normal gals. She is over confident. And very smart.
Do you think Jennifer Aniston could have done anything to prevent this? Do you feel that there were huge problems already in the marriage and Brad was considering leaving her even before he met Angie, and Angie just happened to be in his face at the right time?
Or do you feel perhaps the main reason was their sex life was lacking and boring, and when he met Angie (bisexual BDSM sex freak) that was one main thing that he wanted in his life and he left Jen for it, along with the fact that Angie wanted a large family like him and was a humanitarian in the United Nations and was interested in charity work like him?
Or, there was nothing wrong in their marriage, he just realized he was getting a better deal with Angie and they were more compatible? Or just found her a lot more interesting and couldn't control his sexual urges?
Everyone who has been married, or in a relationship, at some point in their life will always meet another person who is waaay waaay more compatible than their spouse. Better at sex, smarter, sexier, richer, more fun, more energetic, etc. However most don't leave their spouses. Even a lot of movie stars (and regular people) won't cheat because they'll still stay faithful to the spouse no matter whether it is Angelina Jolie or not.
What do you feel was the last straw that made Brad Pitt actually divorce Jen? (even though technically Jen was the one who kicked him out, she divorced HIM, but whatever, I mean Angie's pregnant with his baby, so she pretty much has to kick him out...lol)
Do you feel the pregnancy made it impossible for Brad to stay with Jen? Do you feel that perhaps either Angie or Brad planned to get pregnant on purpose so that there would be an easy excuse to leave Jen? Or the pregnancy was already after Brad left Jen?
And what can a wife/husband do in a marriage so that this situation doesn't spiral out of control the moment your spouse meets a super vixen like Angelina Jolie or a Tom Cruise stud, someone you can't compete with, and so they won't just take off?
But several married co-stars form a strong bond with their colleagues, even sometimes sneak around and cheat, but still don't leave their spouses. They have no intention on leaving. But Brad took off.
What could have Jen Aniston done to stop this? Or was she just plain out of luck?
Or do you feel she just totally married the wrong guy in general?
Such as, do you feel Jen should be with a more chill, laid back kind of guy, and Brad was too intense for her and got easily bored? Whereas perhaps a more humble, easy going guy might not have left her for Angie, because he would have felt that Angie was too wild and crazy for him?
She has dated some disastrous party boys after Brad and continuously gotten dumped, with serial dates like John Mayer who just go through a different woman each night... she hasn't exactly made the best choices if she wants to get married again to a man and have kids one day.
And (your opinion) do you feel that Justin Theroux, her new man, she's making the same mistake? I am not sure whether Jen wants children or not, but do you feel she may be totally missing the boat entirely?
I'm only using these situations so it's people you're familiar with. But as you know, these exact same situations happen every single day, tons of people are getting divorced or breaking up, and might or might not be prevented.
What do you think?
It's a lot to take in, but this stuff is just so common and everyone still talks about these two groups of people, even to this day.
ANSWER: Hello Kristina!
First of all, you need to realize that you can't draw comparisons between individual's situations and that you can't compare ANY celebrity relationship to those of non-celebrities. In fact, the two are entirely different creatures altogether. If you're trying to use their experiences as an example of or in answer to something a non-celebrity would go through, I'm afraid you're totally missing the mark.
So, with that, I'm going to try to answer your questions:
1) First of all, I don't believe that anyone "pushes" someone else to murder them. I don't care how much of a bitch she is or how much of an asshole he is. Taking someone's life or harming them physically and non-consensually is an act of violence and insanity. It's not "the last straw" in any case - I don't care what it is. That's as true of Nichole as it would be of a woman who claims abuse and cuts off her husband's dick.
The only "fact" you can draw from any of these situations is that as adults; we all have the responsibility of caring for our own mental health. That sometimes means walking or running away and all the "good excuses" in the world can't change that fact. Not even "she pushed me to do it!"
Now, before anyone else sends me angry letters (I get enough as it is) about "Well, what if he did..." or "How about the case where..." etc., yet, there are individual, unique exceptions but that's what we have courts for. I'm not here to answer about the application of law or even good judgment.
As to her being a "good wife" to him, or for that matter, the dickless husband being an abuser; here's what I can say: OJ, and the dick-remover married those people! (Or were in relationships with then.) Further, they stayed with them. We all have choices to make and sometimes they are difficult ones, but we all have to pull up our big-boy or big-girl pants and act like adults. Not doing that isn't an excuse.
2) As I said before, these are celebrity situations - not anyone's "real life". Let me be absolutely clear here: you, Kristina, do NOT know what really went on between any of these people. You only know stories that were reported in the media and trust me, those stories were heavily influenced by a very large number of people from agents to publicists to editors and even to celebrity news consumers. You are trying to understand something that; for all intents was "made up" - not reality.
Thus, how can I comment on that? Why not ask me if Jack was pushed by Jill and THAT'S why he "broke his crown"? It's just as much fantasy.
Even your rendition of events and personalities is something has been carefully crafted by a media bent on getting your attention. I don't personally know Brad or Jen or Angelina, but I'll say this: they are real people that have their own real issues. Sometimes they are insecure and selfish and motivated and conniving - just like real people. However, you'll never hear those real stories because it doesn't fit with their own marketing engines.
You have to be extremely careful about using ANYTHING you read, see or hear about the world of entertainment and understand that it's simply not real.
Now, to the far, far more important point here: because little (if any) of this is real, you can't use it as an example for any real-life relationship situation!
In fact, you can barely use anyone's own account of things. If you've ready much of what I've written on this forum (literally thousands upon thousands of responses) you know I won't do "therapy" here. I answer specific questions. That's because I know damn well that some some woman to asks me about her "shithead boyfriend" or some guy that tells me about the "bitch that dumped him" is purely perspective and contains some percentage (often a large percentage) of stuff that is made-up.
I'm not saying that people always purposefully lie, but trust me, people DO seek to "stage their answers". In other words, they know what they want to hear and come to me to hear it. When they don't, they get angry at me; or at least, the "me" they think they're talking to! Even you don't know who I really am; but, I digress.
So, bottom line:
If you want to know about real-world situations and real-world relationships we have to discuss them in the context of real-world events. I can't answer your questions from a real-world perspective simply because these stories are made up. You can choose to believe that or not - your choice - but when you have specific questions about specific why's or what's or when's, feel free to come ask me. Until then, just enjoy the drama in the entertainment world for what it is - entertainment, not reality.
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”
---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------
QUESTION: Well ok. How about I rephrase it this way, as a "regular person" problem. Forgetting entirely about celebrities.
Say you're dating/engaged/married to someone. How can you be sure that your spouse won't ditch you the moment they meet someone better looker/smarter/richer/sexier whatever? How do you make your relationship such a strong bond that they won't be stolen away easily?
And let's say you're married to someone who is a nutcase (like OJ...lol) Let's say the abuse didn't happen until years after you had been married. The hints hadn't been dropped right away. How do you stop stuff like this from escalating? Apparently when Nicole left him he still stalked her continuously and would lie in wait in her bushes and peer in her windows, even after she moved, and threaten all the guys she dated. The entire LAPD knew all about this since she had reported him numerous times. But no one actually thought that he would actually go to that level and slice her throat. So let's say you are in a relationship and you break up with someone like this and they're still harassing you and won't leave you alone and the cops aren't doing much. What could you do to stop this from escalating in the first place?
I am thinking if I was Nicole, I would get a job across the country and leave the state of California, cut/dye my hair, get colored contact lenses, and change my name, and not tell anyone where I lived. But again, the whole premise was, she never thought he would snap like that.
Hello again Kristina!
Ok, this is (mostly) a question I can answer.
Look around you. You see people all the time that are with their partners regardless of the other temptations that surround the constantly. I'm not even talking about in real life, at work, on the streets, in restaurants, etc. I'm also talking on TV, in movies, books, etc.
Consider also that here in the 21st century most of us live in large cities holding hundreds of thousands or millions of people. There are distractions all over the place.
Yet, somehow many people stay together.
Certainly some do it out of habit or fear or honor or culture. Many others do it out of loyalty or need. And still others out of pure value. Therein lies your answer. Interestingly, it's the same answer I give to women who ask me how to get their boyfriends to "commit".
First, understand the reality of the situation. That means you see that you have competition - real competition. If your boyfriend or spouse is good enough for you, I'll bet they're also good enough (or even better!) for someone else. That gives the other person options.
Second, understand that; particularly to men, "commitment" and staying with someone doesn't mean the same thing it means to most women. Whereas you see commitment as security, love, safety, status, family and many, many other good things, very few men today agree.
To us, commitment usually means stress, responsibility, promises that society demand we keep, liability (legal and otherwise), loss of freedom, loss of choice and many other not-so-positive things. In no other area of our lives is this double-standard so prevalent.
Third, don't see this negatively! Embrace these differences because they are your key to getting everything you've ever wanted!
Once you understand the first two points, you can then work to fix them by finding out what your boyfriend (or husband) needs in order to take on those negative things willingly, and then to become that woman to him.
Trust me on this Kristina; I've never met a man that was getting everything he wanted and needed at home that was out looking for the "BBD" ("Bigger, Better Deal"). We just don't have the time or energy. Instead, we're focusing every ounce of our beings on trying to make the woman that brings this to us as deliriously happy as SHE can be in order to keep her!
Isn't that what you really want?
So, back to OJ and Nichole. You're asking me to comment on two people who; from your own account, are mentally ill. You can't apply, "normal, rational behavior standards" to anyone that is sick. Sorry, it simply can't be done.
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”