General Dating Questions/What's going on here?


QUESTION: I (23 yrs) have been dating this guy (23yrs) for 7 months now. This is the first relationship for both of us and we love each other. We are both really nice to each other. He is a very sweet, smart, caring guy and he means the world to me. But thereís something in our relationship thatís making me really upset. Heís not very enthusiastic about the physical side of the relationship. I believe that, when two people are in love, itís natural to want to be physical with them. He is happy to cuddle me. But everything beyond that seems forceful on my part. Even when it comes to hot and heavy making out, and going down on him, I feel like Iím forcing it on him.  He tries to come up with all sorts of excuses to avoid it. When we do get intimate, he would finish off quickly, then becomes satisfied and would want to get dressed and end it, and I havenít even started getting any pleasure. He never does any dirty talking or makes any sex jokes, which, even my male friends used to do with me when I was single. I mean, come on, we are not 12 year olds. Usually, it is the girl who is less inclined to be physical, but in our relationship, it seems to be the opposite. Iím not sure why heís not into physical things. I know that he gets an erection even when we make out, but one day he told me that now he is desensitized to kissing now. He tells me that Iím good in bed, but his actions seem to prove otherwise. I try my best to be creative and make things pleasurable for him, but I donít see it being reciprocated.
I feel really frustrated, bored, upset and angry. Yet I donít want to break up with him because he is an amazing guy and I love him so much. Recently, we talked about having sex, and he told me that he wants to do it with me sometime in the near future. Up until then, he pretended like sex never existed, and I had no choice but to play along, because I was too shy and scared to be bold about it. I havenít told him anything about this because, 1. I donít want him to think that Iím sexually frustrated or horny or something, and, 2. Iím scared that bringing this up will ruin the otherwise beautiful relationship we have.
I donít know if Iím being ridiculous here, or whether I have a right to feel this way about this. Iím worried that, if his libido is this low at 23 years of age, by the time he reaches 30 or 40, heíll stop doing physical stuff completely and our relationship will be very dull and boring, and I feel that itís not healthy. I love him so much, and I feel that physical intimacy ( and I donít mean just cuddling), is just as important as emotional intimacy in a relationship.
What is going on here? Why do you think heís not interested in physical things? This is really affecting me. Please advise me on what I should do.

ANSWER: I am not sure if all people agree that the physical and emotional are equal in relationships. I think most people put more stock in the emotional. It could be just an issue of compatibility as far as how you each view an idea relationship. Doesn't mean necessarily that he doesn't find you attractive or doesn't love you. He just may not operate that way. Speaking for my old 32 year old self I wish I could have sex more often, but too few women that I find attractive find me attractive anymore. lol. I think you should just talk things over including everything you've just told me. Maybe not about being sexually frustrated, but that sexual intimacy is important to you, and that it would help the relationship if he was maybe a little more physical. But also consider that he might be less physical with you because he wants to relationship to be more geniune and based on mutual respect more than carnal enthusiasm. lol. I would talk it over with him.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks a lot for taking time to advise me. I can see your point of view here, and yes, it might be an issue of compatibility. But let me point out something here. To me, sexual intimacy is not about carnal enthusiasm but an expression of love, and I don't see how that can not be 'genuine'and based on mutual respect. On top of that, it adds some colour to a relationship.  
Also, I'm worried that talking about this will hurt his ego which in turn will open up a pathway for instability in our relationship and he might try reacting even to a slightest fault of mine.

Other than talking to him I don't know what else you can do if you plan to be with him. I think honesty is important above all things else. Maybe tell him how him being intimate with you makes you feel. Maybe that much isn't clear, and he can take that as a challenge to try to make you feel the way you wish you did.

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I don't really have any specific experience in this area other than learning from other people's mistakes and a few of my own, and whatever I've learned as a psychology major.

B.S. Psychology

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