General Dating Questions/What's going on here?


QUESTION: Dear Azure,
I (23 yrs) have been dating this guy (23yrs) for 7 months now. This is the first relationship for both of us and we love each other. We are both really nice to each other. He is a very sweet, smart, caring guy and he means the world to me. But thereís something in our relationship thatís making me really upset. Heís not very enthusiastic about the physical side of the relationship. I believe that, when two people are in love, itís natural to want to be physical with them. He is happy to cuddle me. But everything beyond that seems forceful on my part. Even when it comes to hot and heavy making out, and going down on him, I feel like Iím forcing it on him.  He tries to come up with all sorts of excuses to avoid it. When we do get intimate, he would finish off quickly, then becomes satisfied and would want to get dressed and end it, and I havenít even started getting any pleasure. He never does any dirty talking or makes any sex jokes, which, even my male friends used to do with me when I was single. I mean, come on, we are not 12 year olds. Usually, it is the girl who is less inclined to be physical, but in our relationship, it seems to be the opposite. Iím not sure why heís not into physical things. I know that he gets an erection even when we make out, but one day he told me that now he is desensitized to kissing now. He tells me that Iím good in bed, but his actions seem to prove otherwise. I try my best to be creative and make things pleasurable for him, but I donít see it being reciprocated.
I feel really frustrated, bored, upset and angry. Yet I donít want to break up with him because he is an amazing guy and I love him so much. Recently, we talked about having sex, and he told me that he wants to do it with me sometime in the near future. Up until then, he pretended like sex never existed, and I had no choice but to play along, because I was too shy and scared to be bold about it. I havenít told him anything about this because, 1. I donít want him to think that Iím sexually frustrated or horny or something, and, 2. Iím scared that bringing this up will ruin the otherwise beautiful relationship we have.
I donít know if Iím being ridiculous here, or whether I have a right to feel this way about this. Iím worried that, if his libido is this low at 23 years of age, by the time he reaches 30 or 40, heíll stop doing physical stuff completely and our relationship will be very dull and boring, and I feel that itís not healthy. I love him so much, and I feel that physical intimacy ( and I donít mean just cuddling), is just as important as emotional intimacy in a relationship.
What is going on here? Why do you think heís not interested in physical things? This is really affecting me. Please advise me on what I should do.

ANSWER: the man obviously has sexual/emotional hang ups and no doubt needs counseling to have even a CHANCE of being sexually healthy; you should definitely tell him what you told me here--if you can't honestly express your feelings to him, what's the point?...however, your only chance is him agreeing to counseling or couples counseling with someone specializing in sexual issues, otherwise i'm afraid staying in this will mean a lonely life of quiet desperation..

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks a lot for the advice Azure. But I'm worried that he might end up thinking that I'm desperate for sex or something, because he comes from a very conservative background.

what you described was a female with healthy, normal needs, and a guy that has deep issues; if you keep making yourself the unreasonable one, then just stay with the status quo; what matters here is that he's not meeting your needs; again, you can accept him as he is and live with unfulfilled needs, get him into counseling, or leave...those are the only options...

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expertise: over 7000 questions answered...B.A. Psychology Bates College;graduate study, Fordham Univ. School Social Work; technical editor, "dating for dummies", 2d edition, by dr joy browne; thoughtful consideration of your question, then insightful advice about love,romance and related issues given in an objective, non-judgmental manner...over 20 years of personal experience in both short and long term relationships...longer term consultations are available upon experience: personal involvement in many relationships where issues of love, sex, intimacy, trust, etc., had to be dealt with and resolved...just having "experiences", however, isn`t`s the thoughtful reflection upon and analysis of what happened and why, that leads to learning and tell me what`s on your mind and i`ll try to help, or tell you if i can`t...thanks


Over 20 years personal experience in dating, including both short and long-term relationships.Thoughtful reflection and analysis upon same, as well as providing imput relating to issues of love and romance to friends and acquaintances.

BA, Psychology, Bates College, Lewiston, Me. Graduate study at Fordham University School of Social Work.

Life experience can really be the only teacher in this area; however going through the experience is not enough. What is necessary is a real awareness, sensitivity to, and reflection upon what has happened, what has been lost, what has been gained. Getting beyond one's own insecurities and subjectivities, and seeing the experience in the context of the bigger picture, are essential stepping stones to learning and announces CT matchmaking service..for more, go to

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