General Dating Questions/What's going on here?
QUESTION: Dear Robert,
I (23 yrs) have been dating this guy (23yrs) for 7 months now. This is the first relationship for both of us and we love each other. We are both really nice to each other. He is a very sweet, smart, caring guy and he means the world to me. But thereís something in our relationship thatís making me really upset. Heís not very enthusiastic about the physical side of the relationship. I believe that, when two people are in love, itís natural to want to be physical with them. He is happy to cuddle me. But everything beyond that seems forceful on my part. Even when it comes to hot and heavy making out, and going down on him, I feel like Iím forcing it on him. He tries to come up with all sorts of excuses to avoid it. When we do get intimate, he would finish off quickly, then becomes satisfied and would want to get dressed and end it, and I havenít even started getting any pleasure. He never does any dirty talking or makes any sex jokes, which, even my male friends used to do with me when I was single. I mean, come on, we are not 12 year olds. Usually, it is the girl who is less inclined to be physical, but in our relationship, it seems to be the opposite. Iím not sure why heís not into physical things. I know that he gets an erection even when we make out, but one day he told me that now he is desensitized to kissing now. He tells me that Iím good in bed, but his actions seem to prove otherwise. I try my best to be creative and make things pleasurable for him, but I donít see it being reciprocated.
I feel really frustrated, bored, upset and angry. Yet I donít want to break up with him because he is an amazing guy and I love him so much. Recently, we talked about having sex, and he told me that he wants to do it with me sometime in the near future. Up until then, he pretended like sex never existed, and I had no choice but to play along, because I was too shy and scared to be bold about it. I havenít told him anything about this because, 1. I donít want him to think that Iím sexually frustrated or horny or something, and, 2. Iím scared that bringing this up will ruin the otherwise beautiful relationship we have.
I donít know if Iím being ridiculous here, or whether I have a right to feel this way about this. Iím worried that, if his libido is this low at 23 years of age, by the time he reaches 30 or 40, heíll stop doing physical stuff completely and our relationship will be very dull and boring, and I feel that itís not healthy. I love him so much, and I feel that physical intimacy ( and I donít mean just cuddling), is just as important as emotional intimacy in a relationship.
What is going on here? Why do you think heís not interested in physical things? This is really affecting me. Please advise me on what I should do.
ANSWER: First of all thank you for your question and you have the right to feel any way you want about any thing you wish, being honest is the most healthy virtue of all. I have thought about this on many other occasions as this is something I am asked a lot on my other sites and private clients etc. 1. No need to panic some guys do not get into their sexual strides early, they bloom late but the upside is the ones who start later usually are sexual till old age. Now there are other factors as well that could be involved but I would not worry, you have not been together that long, some people take a year or so to get comfortable enough with someone to really let there self go. 2. I would give him a year of your tender loving care and enjoying the guy you describe as being the "amazing guy" before you even consider worrying about this, it is simply too early in your relationship to give it that much thought. 3. Women usually mature much faster and can show affection and emotions at a higher level at an earlier age. For now take it slow with him, that seems to be what he is trying to tell you in his way and show him that you are willing to come closer to his way if he comes closer to yours. I would suggest you guys change the atmosphere of your love making(sometimes try places you have not tried before or at times different from the norm), when you do starting having sex it might come more intensely to him if you tease more and who knows it just might be more fun for you both. But don't over do it, sex and love should be simmered over time so that the two can be savored as one. Remember this man loves you and you love him, he is worth the time and so are you. Please feel free to contact me again and let me kn0ow how you are doing.
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QUESTION: Thanks a lot for taking time to give me some advice Robert. Yeah I hope that is what's going on with him - he's taking it slow.
But do you reckon I should atleast mention it to him, because, I'm worried that I'm gradually losing the passion in our relationship.
Passion can be very important to a relationship and can not be taken lightly but speaking out-right about a sexual problem may put a damper on things. This could potentially damage things, he may feel inadequate or ridiculed, so tread lightly my dear tread lightly feelings are easy damaged but difficult to repair.