General Dating Questions/What's going on here?
I (23 yrs) have been dating this guy (23yrs) for 7 months now. This is the first relationship for both of us and we love each other. We are both really nice to each other. He is a very sweet, smart, caring guy and he means the world to me. But thereís something in our relationship thatís making me really upset. Heís not very enthusiastic about the physical side of the relationship. I believe that, when two people are in love, itís natural to want to be physical with them. He is happy to cuddle me. But everything beyond that seems forceful on my part. Even when it comes to hot and heavy making out, and going down on him, I feel like Iím forcing it on him. He tries to come up with all sorts of excuses to avoid it. When we do get intimate, he would finish off quickly, then becomes satisfied and would want to get dressed and end it, and I havenít even started getting any pleasure. He never does any dirty talking or makes any sex jokes, which, even my male friends used to do with me when I was single. I mean, come on, we are not 12 year olds. Usually, it is the girl who is less inclined to be physical, but in our relationship, it seems to be the opposite. Iím not sure why heís not into physical things. I know that he gets an erection even when we make out, but one day he told me that now he is desensitized to kissing now. He tells me that Iím good in bed, but his actions seem to prove otherwise. I try my best to be creative and make things pleasurable for him, but I donít see it being reciprocated.
I feel really frustrated, bored, upset and angry. Yet I donít want to break up with him because he is an amazing guy and I love him so much. Recently, we talked about having sex, and he told me that he wants to do it with me sometime in the near future. Up until then, he pretended like sex never existed, and I had no choice but to play along, because I was too shy and scared to be bold about it. I havenít told him anything about this because, 1. I donít want him to think that Iím sexually frustrated or horny or something, and, 2. Iím scared that bringing this up will ruin the otherwise beautiful relationship we have.
I donít know if Iím being ridiculous here, or whether I have a right to feel this way about this. Iím worried that, if his libido is this low at 23 years of age, by the time he reaches 30 or 40, heíll stop doing physical stuff completely and our relationship will be very dull and boring, and I feel that itís not healthy. I love him so much, and I feel that physical intimacy ( and I donít mean just cuddling), is just as important as emotional intimacy in a relationship.
What is going on here? Why do you think heís not interested in physical things? This is really affecting me. Please advise me on what I should do.
Thank-you for your question and I apologize for the delay in responding. Let me first start off by saying it is OK for you to feel this way. You do not need to look for justification about how you feel. You feel it right? I do think youíre doing the right thing for now with this situation in not pressuring your boyfriend too much at this point. Something else to keep in mind is that you have only been dating for 7 months which would typically be referred to as the ďhoneymoon phaseĒ where the two of you should be all over each other. If this is not the case, and obviously from your question itís not, then there is likely something deeper going on here with your boyfriend.
Now, I am not a licensed therapist and I donít know your boyfriend personally of course, but based on all my knowledge and experience, here are a few possibilities as to what may be causing your boyfriend to react this way towards sex. The first thought is that he may be very sexually inexperienced. Do you know how many sexual partners heís had? If he is sexually inexperienced, it may be giving him anxiety each time you become intimate to the point that he has difficulty enjoying the experience. Another idea is that he may be more of a cerebral guy than a physical guy. That means that he gets stimulated in his mind rather than through his body initially. This type of guy is usually very intelligent and brainy. I know it is typical for the male to be more physical than the female, but there are always exceptions to the rule keep in mind. Another possibility is that his parents were not intimate with each other, so he never ďlearnedĒ how to be truly intimate with a woman by his parents example. The last thought I have is hopefully not the case, but it is abuse of some kind when he was a child. If he was sexually abused as a young child, this would certainly have effects on his sexuality as an adult.
The best thing you can do since you are committed to this relationship is to communicate with your boyfriend in a straightforward but CALM way. Tell him that you really enjoy being intimate with him and would like to be intimate more often. You can start the dialogue that way and work in the ideas I gave you above to see if any of them ring true. You may have to compromise for some time with your sexuality in order for his libido to catch up to yours. It is admirable for you not to give up on the relationship because of this issue. However, keep in mind that at this rate, his sexuality could get less and less with time which would strain your relationship even further. It is best to address this issue with him now directly to see if the two of you can remain compatible into the future as sexual compatibility is typically a deal breaker if the two of you are too far apart on the issue.
I hope this has helped. Feel free to ask any follow-up questions youíd like. Thanks and take care.