General Dating Questions/How do I find


QUESTION: Dear Dr. Neder,

I feel it is rather important to clarify this question first. I am a 20 year old university student living in Canada (I know context helps sometimes). Over the course of my life I have come to realize exactly what I want. I am an outgoing individual and I love what I do. I am academically driven and enjoy university a ton! To add to this, I am searching for a certain type of woman.

Carrie White is the titular character of Stephen King's 'Carrie.' (No I am not looking for someone who possesses telekinesis). She is best described as a woman who is very shy/reserved and life has not been the greatest for her. (Bullying, family troubles)

While she, herself is fictional there must be women out there with the same personality characteristics and past happenings. You see Doc, I have a wonderful life, and it seems like it just keeps getting better. It has been a dream of mine now, for some time, to give a woman as described above the amazing life that she truly deserves.

My question to you is, how do I pick her out? Is it as easy as looking for the one that looks down while walking or who eats lunch by herself? May you share with me more identifiers, signals, or actions that I should look for and be aware of to help locate her?

Thank you very much in advance for your time and consideration Doc! God-Bless.

ANSWER: Hello James!

Let's begin by distilling down what you're asking for.

In effect, you want a girl who is "broken"; someone who has a troubled past and who brings that trouble forward with her; someone who is an emotional child. That brings up two questions:

1) Why do you want a girl like this? and,
2) What will you do when you "fix" her?

To the first question, I believe that your description of yourself and your life hides a number of important details. While it's very difficult to do analysis over the internet, I'd bet we'd find some important clues there.

You likely believe that someone who is this broken would cling to you and appreciate your support creating a sort of addiction to you. Why do you need that sort of validation from someone else? What does that say about you?

As to fixing a woman like this, you can't. At least, you can't and hope to keep her addicted to you. You'd be the guy who came into her life (if you even could do this - it's very unlikely as you'd be far too close to the situation to deal with it objectively) and changed it. Then, you'd no longer be the guy she'd be looking for. She'd dump you because she'd start looking for someone who wouldn't need her subjugation. That's what happens when people find empowerment - they go looking for others who are empowered.

James, keep in mind that people aren't science experiments. You don't get to try to fix someone else's boo-boo's and then hope to come out ahead from it.

Yes, women who have been through these sorts of events are easy to pick out (men too!) but you need to ask yourself what you're really after here. I don't believe that you're looking for someone to abuse at all. I believe that your perspective is misguided. Who and what you think a woman like this would be is simply wrong. In fact, it's far more likely that a woman like this would harm YOU. After all, she's likely had a long life of guys (like you) trying to fix her! Don't you think that ongoing experiences like that creates defense mechanisms against further abuse? Of course it does. Most of those are designed to take that power away from you and use it against you.

That doesn't mean you can't exploit those defenses; you can, but again, what's the end game here?

If you're just looking for short-term sex partners, damaged women are certainly one choice, but there are others as well - and the other's aren't going to kidnap your dog and hold it for ransom while you come to your senses and see "...just how much she loves you..."

Do you get my drift here? What it means is that you have some choices to make.

Specializing in finding women who are insecure, needy and frankly, cra-cra isn't a very lofty goal. Instead, learning to become the sort of man that a healthy, strong woman finds absolutely  irresistible *IS* a lofty - and worthwhile - goal!

I don't see the point in helping you get what you THINK you want (based on a slew of misunderstandings) only to know it's going to wind up very badly.

Now, when you're ready to go after something that will make you more of the great man I know you can be, I'm your guy! If you want to explore why you feel compelled to seek out damaged women, I'm happy to discuss that with you. If you even want to know why these women would make such a terrible choice for you, I'm here. But, asking me to help you find and exploit someone's weaknesses - especially when you aren't armed with the tools you'd need to survive it - is something I simply won't do. I'm not going to be part of making you jaded and callous, and trust me, that's the most likely outcome of the direction you're asking me to help you take.

Now, I know your all ready to fire off a response that tells me that there are all these things I don't know and don't understand. James, I didn't just find my way out of some pumpkin patch. I've been doing this for more years than you've been alive.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Dr. Neder,

I thank you very much for your quick and very insightful reply. I will delve further into this with you.

1.) To answer your first question,I want a woman like this because of the innocence. I don't agree with sleeping around, and if given the choice I would like to have someone who has very limited experience to even none. Why? This is because I have never had a girlfriend myself. I appreciate the innocence on a level that makes me feel like we would be able to "grow and experience new territory" as a couple rather than one person being way ahead in the scheme of things.

2.) What will I do when I fix her? Forgive me doc but it almost sounds like you are describing a woman who is the polar extreme of the girl who is the "perfect ten" on everyone's list. The one that skips from person to person because they are eventually unsatisfied. I didn't mean for things to sound THAT harsh. I mean this in relation to when you stated "a long life of having guys trying to fix her." See, that makes it seem like she is popular or desired. That's not what I am after here. What I am after is you know, the ones that haven't really had much to begin with (boyfriends, partners, etc.)

3.) Why do I need validation? I would state that, that stems from the 'never having a girlfriend' circumstance. I know I'm young and have all the time in the world but like I said before, I'd like to share this life now.

4.) What does wanting validation say about me? I suppose you could argue it means I'm needy. To be perfectly honest doc, being alone is not the greatest, but at the same time, I don't feel that it is overwhelming or consuming at all. To say that I would like to love someone for the first time (aside from parents) would probably be the fairest of all statements.

I will be the first to tell you that I am not a perfect individual and I am not trying to sound like I have never had a bad day in my life, however my bad days are very few and far between. I have tons of confidence and I genuinely like people. Social interaction has never been an issue for me. It still is not. I have always been that guy that talks to strangers and isn't afraid to speak up. I find that this is a great contributor as to why I am happy 9/10 times. On a side note it is my dream to become a psychiatrist as I have always loved helping people.

I am not sure what other types of information is necessary to help you understand more about me, but I am more than willing to share if you can point out things you are interested in. My apologies if I sound harsh in my language doc, I am not trying to challenge you but rather clarify certain things and encourage your take on them.

I haven't really asked a question here it seems. Anything you can share with me is much appreciated doc. Thank you!

ANSWER: Hello again James!

You're very welcome. May I retort:

1. That's not "innocence" in any form or fashion. These "damaged flowers" aren't "innocent". In fact, I've known and worked with quite a few of them. What may seem like innocence on the surface is far more a lure or ruse designed to get you to act in certain ways in order to take advantage of your ignorance! (In effect, YOUR "innocence"!)

I understand your interest in a woman who has little or no experience. It keeps the expectations low and makes it easy to deliver. However, that's a poor choice on your part. I don't care what you believe about "sleeping around" and frankly; just like your belief that some damaged woman is "innocent", it's based on a ton of misinformation! Not getting the emotional, relationship and sexual experience you need to be a solid partner for someone isn't a very good plan. It's like starting a job as a nuclear plant engineer without having stepped into a classroom. Hello Homer Simpson!

2. Any woman who has unresolved family, sexual, emotional or other trauma absolutely *IS* that "polar opposite" you're talking about. James, because you lack experience here, you're going to have to go off of mine - which is EXTENSIVE. Trust me on this: that woman who SEEMS "innocent" is anything but. The impressions you get from someone initially are carefully crafted as it is. Even more so with women who are damaged like this. They are experts at getting their needs met - and often at the expense of yours. There's a bunch of psychology behind this I won't bore you with but suffice it to say I probably know what I'm talking about here.

Further, every girl out there over the age of 12 has guys interested in her. They have all come (and mostly, gone). If you're looking for the quintessential "virgin" you may have to move to Saudi Arabia and hope for an arranged marriage. You're not going to find that here in the US.

3. Yes, I *WANT* you to have these experiences NOW. Being young has nothing to do with it and in fact, I think you're behind on all of this. At 20, I'd hope you would have at least some solid experience. Hmmm...why do you think it is that you don't? Answer: 1) mistaken beliefs (covered previously), 2) lack of basic dating/sex/relationship knowledge, & 3) not being open to possibilities. It's the old joke, "Gee! I wish *I* was 20 years old again and knew everything!"

4. Yes, you don't feel it's overwhelming YET. However, as you sit there continuing to NOT get the experience you need to be a great partner for some woman down the road, the ARE getting that experience! The expectations today (at your age) are very, very low. That's going to change pretty dramatically as you get older however.

I get letters every week from 20-, 30-, 40-, 50- and even 60-year-old virgins who are in your exact situation! No, I'm not kidding.

They believe the same things you do: that you should just run across the ultimate, final "love of your life" who is perfect and your own benefit be-damned, they'll find her without having any experience to bring to the table in order to keep her or be worthy of her!

That, my friend, is exactly the path you're on right now! That is also why you think you need "validation" from someone else whom you rescued. It leap-frogs all that sticky "experience" stuff because you get away with not having to have any for the benefit of bringing aid instead.

James, the only people who will appreciate that aid are those who need it, but trust me, they also need a lot more than you have to offer. That's why your experience is so absolutely critical. You need to have tons of experience under your belt in order to bring the type of man and relationship that some fantastic woman deserves. Just like a fighter spends years getting "into shape" before entering the boxing ring, you need to get into shape too. You aren't going to get your title-bout the very first time. You have to work up to and earn it.

One thing you're going to learn very quickly as your pursue your degree in psychiatry is that a practitioner cannot diagnose or fix himself or anyone else close to him. You always refer out friends and family for that reason. Thus, even wanting to help someone else you're in a relationship with is a very poor idea.

No, you don't sound harsh at all, but as I've stated, you're misguided.

It's impossible to get too deeply into all of this via this message board and if you're interested in that I suggest you get some personal coaching time from my website where we can deal with it over the phone.

Suffice it to say:

1) You can't fix someone else's problems by being in a relationship with them.
2) Your belief that earlier personal trauma makes someone "innocent" is very wrong - even if it seems that way on the surface.
3) You *NEED* experience in order to be part of the real work of dating and relationships - and that need gets larger and more acute as you get older. Right now, you're in the "perfect storm" of things.
4) You get that experience by getting into the game - not by holding out waiting for the perfect partner so that you only have to everything once.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Dr. Neder,

Once again it's great to have your help! In the beginning of your reply you talk about innocent and 'damaged flowers.' In your explanation you have (to me at least) provided evidence toward the fact that true innocence in a woman does not actually exist. Is this a fair summation? I cannot seem to wrap my head around the fact that, bad girls are bad, innocent girls are devious, and therefore there is no in between, no happy medium. I appreciate you keeping the mood light as I rather enjoyed your humourous statements! Unfortunately, moving to Saudi Arabia is not doable...yet.

At 20 years of age, the extent of my experience is as follows: I have been on two dates, with the same woman, and I have kissed two separate women. That's it! No sex, nothing. To be honest doc, this may shock you, and maybe it's not healthy on my part, but I could care less about having sex myself. I see no need at this age and have no interest as it doesn't fit my current context. It seems only logical to me, to wait for my future wife. Correct me if I am wrong, but you have implied the following: "You have to grow in experience to become the perfect man." While I would state myself, that it's better to get it right the first time, rather than wasting efforts over and over until its right.

Ready for some fantastic numbers? I have effectively been rejected by 18 different women. I have been looking for a girlfriend since the age of 15 and have been much more serious as of 19. So I am 0-18 and that doesn't bother me too much because stats more or less are unimportant, it's the end results that count. Besides, a little over three and a half rejections per year isn't that big of a deal. You may ask, why remember the number? Quite simply, if I ever find myself taking any woman for granted I will be able to remember where I came from. A sort of, head back to reality statement.

Why do I think I have failed with women? Part of it may be due to the unwillingness to venture into new opportunities. I will lay it on the line for you though. There are three things I will not do in life: go to bars, go to clubs, and rock-climbing. Why not bars or clubs? You meet the wrong type of people there. You meet the one-night stand folks, the materialistically driven. I feel I would be better off in the 1600s where life was not as secular.

In terms of people who have asked for my help, I am noted to be the guy who "gives the best dating advice/relationship help but is not in a relationship." I suppose this inexperience has allowed me to look more objectively where others fail to do so! I am a glass half-full kind of guy doc. It's always easy for me to pick out the positives.

I am thankful for the clarity you have provided me, as well an early lesson about psychiatry! Until next time doc, take care!

Hey James!

Have you ever owned a pet? If you got the pet as a baby you always say, "I wish s/he'd stay this way forever" because they're so cute. Of course, they don't. They grow up. So do women. They grow up. They don't stay innocent any more than you did when you grew up. Being damaged only increases the speed at which they grow up and has the added component of hardening them with an array of defense mechanisms.

The benefits of sex are huge and many. In fact, it's not for you (alone) that it's important. Do you really think that some woman you start dating seriously is going to put up with your ignorance and lack of skills sexually? Of course not. I'm sure that's another reason why you want someone who you THINK is innocent - her expectations will be low. In fact, it's just the opposite. Women who lack experience expect YOU to have all the skills they lack!

James, I'm not trying to burst your bubble here, I'm laying it out to you straight. (Actually, I *AM* trying to burst your bubble. You really have some strange and frankly, harmful ideas about realty.)

OF COURSE you've been rejected by so many women! How could you not? You covet ideas that aren't just wrong but damaging to yourself and others. You are looking for someone who doesn't exist and you base that on some fantasy in your head as you have no other experience to work from. You've made up your mind based on absolute, unwavering and wrong-headed thinking.

What woman is going to want to get wrapped up in that? Not a single one I've ever met.

Don't take pride in that fact. At 20 years old to be so ignorant and so wrong is not a virtue at all.

James, I have to be honest here. Your "advice" has nothing whatsoever to do with objectivity. It's based entirely out of ignorance as I've already said. I can only imagine the harm you've inflicted on other ignorant people who don't know any better. To me, that's something to be ashamed of.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder


I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: You can email me directly at:


I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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