General Dating Questions/Girlfriend has never had an orgasm, my issue?
Hello Dr. Neder! I am 25 and my girlfriend is 21. I met her when she was 19 and she had come out of a 3.5 year relationship. We both live with our parents and have sex regularly with her initiating it just as much as me.
We had a conversation awhile back after sex. She said she was insecure about this, but she had only came a few times in all her sexual history, and with me once or twice. She then said she was confused if she ever had fully let go, and then admitted she had never had one, even by herself. She said her goal during masturbation isnt that, and that she jokingly had a dysfunction. Then she said "now you know, don't go publicizing it!"
she said "you are the best i've ever had...and i'm not saying that just to say it. Other guys I have kind of found it a favor to have sex with/a chore...and I'd often jump off them before they even came" she then said she has never with oral either
She then said it is frustrating because 1. she can not give that to me 2. because she can't have one for herself
I said it is not an issue, we will work on it, she gets close very often with me through sex but her parents have been there a few times and other times there has been miscommunication between us, so no biggie! She was like "it will happen"
I said to her has this always been an issue? And she goes "well with other guys I never really expected to finish because it wasnt amazing or anything, but I get frustrated now because I feel like I should be" she then said "I want it to happen with you"
Next she said "what if time goes by and nothing happens?" I said "would you be frustrated because you can't give me that, or because you can't have that yourself" She said both
Finally, I asked if she thinks its something mental or physical. She said "I don't think it's physical, I'm sure it helps because recently we come close more often than before, I worry It will be hard for me to get out of this mindset (not cumming) though" Then during sex she said things like "we belong together" and other REALLy crazy attached things like pregnancy lines
Keep in mind doc that I have brought her to the brink many times (penetration and oral) but her parents were home twice, there was a miscommunication between us once, ect.
FINALLY DOC: She has said "I want it to be with you" and "If it's not with you I am doomed"
But what gives here? She has clearly stayed with a guy for 3.5 years before when she wasn't getting off, and she says sex with me is good...
But my question is doc, is she going to be logical and see that the common denominator here is HER and that SHE needs to learn her body?
I do tons of foreplay, keep a steady, medium to fast thrust speed and dirty talk the hell out of her, dominate her, study up online about fingering/oral techniques and try them, ect. AND bought her a vibrator, and used it on her and she still didn't come!
So, you're asking me what your girlfriend thinks? I don't know your girlfriend! How in the hell should I know if she's going to be "logical" about this or not? YOU know her way better than I do. What do YOU think???
I'm a little unclear here. Has she or has she not ever had an orgasm in any way, at any time? I understand that she hasn't had an orgasm with you or past boyfriends, but that's not really that unusual. It's not optimum either.
The reality is; that sex offers a lot of important connection and communication issues that you wouldn't otherwise have without it. However, orgasm is important.
Even most easily-orgasmic women (and sometimes even men!) don't climax every single time they have sex with someone, but that shouldn't be the normal. Your technique is part of the answer, but the far bigger component is her own brain.
Most men climax easily and naturally. It makes sense when you consider that a man's orgasm is critical to reproduction. Women on the other hand have to LEARN how to reach climax. For some, that's very easy. For others (like your girlfriend) it's much tougher - but not impossible.
Therein lies the biggest mistake you're making: thinking that technique is the key. Talking dirty to her, how fast you thrust, being dominant, etc., aren't keys to a woman's orgasm at all. They are simply processes through which her mind can become orgasmic when it's in the right state. That's the problem here. She's not getting into the right state.
Think about this: with her worrying about her parents being home, whether or not she's going to be able to "give you" her orgasm, if she's making too much noise, or not enough, whether she's pretty in that particular light, if the pillow makes her ass look big, etc., etc., etc., all of these mental images PREVENT her from getting into that sexual state.
Add to that the fact that she hasn't practiced properly and probably doesn't know how to climax on her own (let alone with you there) is a recipe for a non-orgasmic relationship. That's exactly where she needs to start. It's not about technique, it's about her getting into the right sexual state and stimulating her mind and body. Fantasy is crucial. Comfort is crucial. Practice is crucial, etc.
Many women find that they can have "calm", "quiet" or "relaxed" orgasms. Others have "fixated" or "intense focus" orgasms. Others find that they can have "stress" orgasms and others fit anywhere in between. These are "states" where the woman herself is able to let the voices in her head go and give herself over the the sexual state itself. That's where her brain begins to process sexual build-up and release. This is also why you can't "give her" an orgasm. All the technique in the world isn't going to get her there. She has to do that. However, once she learns how to quiet those voices, THEN the technique can really help.
That's where she needs to start on this - by herself when she's in a completely comfortable, quiet, safe situation and has time to focus on exploring her own sexuality.
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”