General Dating Questions/a heck of a year.


Hello there,

I would love to receive some words of advice or wisdom or whatever you can offer me. Thanks so much.
My boyfriend and I started dating in August of 2012. We started off pretty well, long chats and so much on a relating level. We started dating within a month of knowing each other and have been together since.
When he'd come over, he'd use my laptop to check his emails. One day after her left, I found that he accidentally left his gmail open, and I noticed and email titled Bottom for Top - M4M. I had no clue what it was, except obviously something sexual. I messaged him while working, and what resulted was him having an anxiety attack, buying me a dozen pink roses (Valentines was coming up) and walking with them to my house. When he arrived, he was white as a ghost. I never forgot that guilty look on his face.
So having apologized, I let it go. Later in March or April, I found history showing that he had been watching videos and looking at pictures of trannies. I freaked, and he went on to explain that he was looking only because his bisexual friend told him about dating a transsexual. My boyfriend said it was funny and weird to look at. Time went on and June 1st we moved in together in a new town. Days later I came upon a Twitter account where my boyfriend had uploaded 2 pictures of his penis and this account was meant for a male audience. I was getting so close to giving up on us. He told me he made it for the purose of finding out who made the Craigslist account that was where my first finding was from (bottom for top - m4m) and he said it wasn't him. I was shocked. How could he be comfortable doing something like that? I chose to say I believed him and look out for more evidence I may have found in time. Finally, a week ago I found a picture of a guy just laying on a pool floaty, no genetalia showing or anything... But hashtags like #gay #tranny etc... I picked him up for work and confronted him on it. He came in the car and said okay, here's the story...
Back in December he started thinking he might be bi for the first time in his life because he was interested in sticking dildo's into his bum. This I couldn't blame him for cause men have their gspot in their bum. But he then said he became interested in penises, and in time he told me he liked them because they were like a tool, something to use to put in his bum to feel good. After penises, he started to like trannies, and then after that phase was over, he just liked the idea of anal. He tells me he has never been attracted to a man and never will be, and that once he and I started engaging in anal with me, toys in him, it became something posessed. He loves giving anal, and likes me using toys once and a while. He told me the Craigslist posts he made was to have men reply, because e enjoyed the attention; he liked being told what they would do to his bum and it would end after they told him these things. He wouldn't even reply back. This past weekend consisted of us having some apart time at our parents houses, and going through every detail for days. I felt this was the end for us. So after plenty of prying for information, it seems a little twisted but pretty clear. He's not bisexual, he's just horny and wanted to find out what it was like to have something hit his gspot. He felt if you like something in your bum and you're a guy, that you must be at least bi if not gay. So he spent 6 months doing what he thought was right to find out. I was very very upset, and he said it's all over and that he's known for a few months now that he's not bi. I knows it was wrong to lie to my face every time I asked about this and worrying, but he was so reluctant to tell me because I told him in the beginning of dating that I couldn't date another man who was buy, because I got so hurt before.
So he promises that he'll stay open about everything now, and that he will never hurt me again. I mentioned how I was interested in using a strap on with him, and he said maybe one day. He now knows it's important that if we need to find something out, go to each other first.
So just from a third person perspective (I haven't spoken to anyone else about this situation for privacy sake) do you think he is bi deep down? Do you think he's learned from how upset I was and how we almost broke up? Ever since reuniting after the weekend, he's made many future plans for us to work on our relationship and ourselves. He is also going to work on telling the truth more. He's told me over and over that he wasnts us and nothing but, and that he's learned so much. I feel like he is very sorry without just totally forgiving him. I told him this month will be what tells me if we should stay together or not. He keeps saying we will work out and he will try everything he can to regain my trust.
I want to stay with him and am doing well considering how I felt this past weekend, but my guards up and he knows. Anyway I supposed that's it. I would love a third opinion after all this time.


Hi Katie,

Your maturity in dealing with this tricky situation is commendable. Well done for handling it so well.

From what your saying, your boyfriend could be bi-curious (not fully bisexual or gay). There is a spectrum of sexuality (it's not as straight forward as some would have you think) we're all on the spectrum between heterosexual and homosexual, most of us fall somewhere in between whether it's towards the heterosexual end more so, or whether it's more towards homosexual. Bi-curiosity is where I think you'd find someone nearer to the middle of the spectrum but still more towards one of the hetero/homosexual ends (in your boyfriend's case,  towards the heterosexual end but between that and the middle). For more informatio, read up about the Kinsey scale - although I'm not sure it covers 'bisexuality' as a sexuality, more so it explains we all have the potential to be bisexual.

There's certainly a curiosity about discovering your own sexuality. He may be discovering his body as more of a sexual object than he felt before and he's finding our what feels good and turns him on. That doesn't mean he is gay or bisexual. From when we're born, we're discovering our bodies, it gets sexual when we hit puberty but even then some people don't fully understand or explore themselves. Some people don't find their sexuality until they're in their 50's or 60's and they've reached an understanding of themselves - you will find in a lot of cases that men and women can reach a point of bi-curiosity at that age too.

As you said, the male G-spot is in a male's anus and it's wonderful how you've been open enough to suggest different sex toys to accommodate to that (I'm not sure if you're aware but strap ons can be 2 way to please you too), you must love your boyfriend very much. The curiosity is nothing to worry about, people do go through different sexual phases as sexuality isn't easy to understand within ourselves, let alone others. It definitely isn't black and white, there are huge grey areas. As long as your boyfriend is open about it and will discuss his feelings and exploration of himself with you, I don't see a problem either. If it were to change and he started having sexual contact with men, you'd need to reassess it all as the acceptance of that would be a personal opinion and feeling on the matter. You are the person who decides what is a dealbreaker in your relationship and what isn't.

Again, although you've been hurt, you should be proud at how you've handled this so far.

I wish you the very best.


General Dating Questions

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I can answer questions on how to meet people, confidence, what to do for the best dates, problems within relationships, how to interact with your partner and how to end relationships amicably and politely. More specifically, I am best at answering issues pertaining to trust, honesty, openness, fear and communication within relationships. It is important to know that everyone loves differently and we must first identify how a partner (or prospective) partner loves, in order to understand them. I cannot answer questions on whether or not someone sounds like they are interested, people are all different when they like or do not like people. I cannot tell you how someone may react or how a situation will end but merely offer you my advice on the subject.


I do not have professional experience in the area but my knowledge of psychology, teamed with forever being an agony aunt when it comes to relationships means that I have answered many questions on relationships and am proud to say I have seen quite a few relationships flourish with my advice. I am used to surveying people and guiding them in my daily working life. Due to this, I can read situations very well, often putting a much needed outside perspective to good use.

BSc (Hons) Psychology

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