General Dating Questions/How do you knw if someone is only interested in sex or not
Hi Dr Neder
I was just wondering if there is any way to know if the person you are hoping to date is only interested in sex and nothing else.
Do you tell the person up front or are there signs/body language that acts as indication?
Let's get this out of the way first: if they person you're interested in is a normal, healthy individual, they are interested in sex. Hopefully, you are too! Don't be afraid of that at all.
Of course, that's not your question. What you're worried about is that the person ONLY wants sex and nothing else. This is where most women get it wrong.
First of all, if a guy is a player and only is looking for a one-night stand, you're very unlikely to know it up-front. That's why he's (or she's!) a "player". They know what they're doing. Trying to read into someone's body language or mannerisms or language or anything like that isn't very likely to work unless you know the techniques extremely well. That takes far more than I can give you via 100 of these messages - I've written entire books on this subject.
What's far more important is to work on yourself instead. You're not going to get "sucked into" someone's game because you're working for something larger. That doesn't mean you avoid sex at all. It means that you view sex as a process - as part of moving toward what you AND your partner want. This isn't a one-sided thing.
There's something else you need to understand about men. (Obviously, I'm assuming your target market is male rather than female here.)
A man doesn't really know if you're long-term relationship material when he first meets you. In fact, he may be attracted to you but he actually has no real idea of how you could fit into his life down the road until AFTER you've had sex together. That's a very important key to understanding men.
Most men want the same things you do: connection, love, respect and even future. The problem is; you go about getting those things differently than we do - and that difference often works against you.
Have you ever been in bed with a new guy and noticed that he changes after you've had sex with him? Men usually get relaxed and far more open to you. There's a ton of science behind why this happens, but for now, just realize it. This is the point at which the guy can begin to consider what you are to him and where you might fit into his future. The problem is he has absolutely no real idea (provided you're not an abusive nutcase!) before having sex. That's why it's so important to get that even (as part of the process) out of the way as early as possible.
There's one more important point to understand: As soon as we meet you and realize that you MIGHT BE a potential long-term girlfriend, a timer starts ticking off in our heads. You don't know how long that timer is set for however as it's different for every guy. But, once the timer ends, we'll still have sex with you, but you'll never again have access to our hearts or be considered as part of our future. Again, there's a ton of science behind this I won't bore you with.
Maybe you have girlfriends who have done this or have done it yourself (prompting your question to me). You hold a guy off for months only to have the sexual pressure build from him. You finally wind up in bed and you never see the guy again. He won't return phone calls, he ignores your texts, etc. Thus, you think HE'S the problem - he just wanted sex.
No, not very likely! Instead, he probably wanted more with you but realized that he could never connect with you in that way once sex was out of the way. You held him off too long and his timer ended. Then, he went out to find someone who he COULD have that long-term connection with because he knew deep-down, it could no longer be you.
It's better for you to work on yourself - your own sexual confidence, communication, etc., - and stop worrying about being taken advantage of. That's actually pretty damn rare. Don't think you trade sex for relationships. It doesn't work that way. Again, it's part of the process.
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”