General Dating Questions/Moving on
I am having a very hard time moving on from a breakup with the Mother of my daughter. You and I actually spoke on a coaching session a few months ago, where my ex had told me to move out. Well, after we spoke, I moved back in and was was well for about 2 weeks, and since then I have been in my own place and we have been separated. We have a 4 month old little girl.
Over all it has been 3 months since we actually split up, however, for 2 months she kept wanting to reconcile, then would break up with me again. During these times of reconciliation, she would let me see me daughter, however, I drew the line and finally rejected the idea of reconciling, as the relationship was so badly damaged, there was no saving it. Immediately upon me doing this, she took my daughter away, started sending hateful emails, and wanted alot of money. (I have an attorney fighting this by the way, and we will be seeing a judge hopefuly in the next month). Florida is also a 50/50 state in terms of custody. She is using my daughter to punish me for rejecting her because she can at this point.
All this being said, I am still devasted by this breakup. This was my family, and as crazy as it sounds, I miss all of us being together so badly. There is no going back, and I know that, but every night I go to sleep thinking about her, and my little girl. This girl was the love of my life, or at least it felt that way. And I am struggling very badly on moving on. I am a guy who has a great career, is good looking, and in good shape. But since this has happened, I cant even get into the Gym, which is a place that I once LOVED being at. I just obsess about what has happened to my little family. People have told me to move on, and let go.. I just dont know how. It is so incredibly difficult.
I have never had a breakup like this before. We speak over email, and her emails are so incredibly abraisive and hateful. This is a woman who a month ago wanted me back, but because I rejected the idea, for obvious reasons, she has turned evil. I just wish things could have been different.
If you could take some time and send some advice my way, I would sincerely appreciate it. I need help re-focusing and letting go of her, and finding a new life as a single Dad.
Thanks in advance,
I'm sure sorry to hear that your daughter is caught up in all of this. It's incredibly cruel and selfish of your ex. I just hope the judge sees it that way too. Unfortunately, many don't.
The answer to your problem lays in getting control of your own mind and thoughts. That's tough to do considering all the history and the fact that you're still immersed in it, but it can be done.
You have two options: self-help and my help.
The self-help version involves making a decision that you're going to free yourself of this mental and emotional burden. Before you just jump in and say, "yeah, I've decided", stop and realize what that means. Yes, I know you no longer want the pain, but that's not the decision here.
The decision is the same one as when you first started going to the gym. You made a conscious decision which included real effort to form a new habit. You don't have that now, but to get past this - you must.
Then, get yourself a strong rubber band and put it around your wrist. If people ask you about it just tell him it's there to help you remember something. In effect, it's actually there to help you forget, but that's none of anyone else's business. Never be without that rubber band! Wear it in the shower and when you work out. Keep it with you at every moment.
Whenever you find your thoughts sliding back to thinking about your ex in any self-harmful way (missing the "family", feeling bad over the breakup or anything else like that), stop yourself consciously. Take that rubber band, pull it back and snap your wrist with it. Yes, it's going to sting - that's the point.
Then, force yourself to reframe the image that popped into your head. Reframe it in a positive way. For instance, you might think (and feel - important!) relieved that you dodged a bullet by not marrying your ex. You might reframe it as being happy to be free to find someone far better, etc. You need to find a reframe for the image.
As soon as you do (and you can really feel it), sooth that sting on your wrist by rubbing it. This becomes a "reward" for correcting your thought pattern about the breakup.
You'll need to be absolutely consistent with this however. You can't do it for a few days and then give up. Further, you can't do it sometimes and not others. You have to decide that getting over this is what you want and need and commit to doing so. It might take 3-4 weeks of this or maybe even more depending on where you are. If you do this however, you'll start feeling relief and will get your mind re-tuned to your new life as a single dad.
The other option is with my help. All you'll need is an hour of personal coaching time now and one more in a week. We can solve this over the phone very quickly and easily. The single first session will get you the relief you want and the follow-up will help to insure it lasts long-term.
Thomas, I'm sorry you're going through all of this, but don't beat yourself up over it. Many relationships fail. We live for the ones that make it however. This is the step to getting healthy so that you can find your next success.
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”