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General Dating Questions/Right Reasons for Relationship


A guy I know, "Sam", and I have been flirting since we met about 2 years ago. I've always found him to be a handsome guy, but never pursued it for a few reasons. He and one of my good friends had a short, "no-strings-attached" type fling a year ago, and I didn't want to be caught in the middle of that. In addition, I've spent the last few years wanting a relationship with guys who I'm realizing I don't mesh well with; our goals in terms of lifestyle just don't fit. Recently, I've been leaning more towards wanting to pursue something with Sam. As I'm getting a little older, I'm realizing what qualities matter most to me, and which ones really aren't important. I found out he's been talking to this girl he met, but who is younger and a bit naive. Last night we were at a party and he walked me out to my car when I left, and we finally had the discussion about how we are both feeling about this. He gave up flirting with me because he thought I wasn't interested when I just didn't want to screw things up for my friend. He was telling me that he thinks I'm a really great person and that I'm beautiful; he wants to give it a fair shot, but also feels obligated to give it a fair shot with the other girl. We made out before I left. I'm confused. He's a handsome guy, he's thoughtful, and he has a great heart. He's so different from other guys I've dated where I've felt obligated to try to be the perfect girl for them; I don't have to do that with him. He already thinks I'm great, we are already friends and I feel like I can just be real with him. I want to pursue this, but I don't want to play mind games with him- he doesn't deserve that. Is it fair to give this a shot, or do you interpret this as my just enjoying the attention he is giving me?

Hello Cassie!

Absolutely I think you should pursue this. Honestly, I'm confused as to why you'd even question that!

Yes, I'm sure you are enjoying the attention. The biggest obstacle you have now is how much time has passed since you first became attracted to him.

I'm concerned about that because it's all too comfortable. By that I mean that you've spent all this time being safe and frankly, the best relationships are rarely safe. They are built on passion and excitement. If you continue that path (trying to "ease yourself into this") I fear you may wind up with something so safe as to be bland and boring.

If you change your own thinking however that doesn't have to be a sticking point. Work to become the woman he wants and needs. Become the woman who makes him forget about the other girl. Yes, that takes work and investment but it also gives you something to strive for and makes this exciting again.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder


I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: You can email me directly at:


I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

Doctor of Philosophy

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