General Dating Questions/we got together too fast but want it to last
My partner and I met under difficult circumstances, wehn we were both not being the best we could be. My partner was having a breakdown (the kind you take meds for)and was single and I was planning to leave a short marriage and was drunk.
since then we have tackled his mental issues with professional help and I been faithful and do not go out drinking. I have supproted us and my son and we have all lived together from the beginning.We know these are not ideal circumstances. I tells me he loves me but I know he finds it hard sometimes to respect me and insults me when he looses his temper. I love him but have been hurt in relationships before for a similar reason (not every relationship - id like to add!)We have a baby on the way but last weekend he got so angry about something I said he lost his temper and wouldnt calm down or leave me alone and so I slapped him for the things he was calling me.
Am I going to be punished for the way we got together for the rest of this relationship or will he ever be able to accept the circumstances we got together werent ideal and respect me and be faithful to me and out family? I feel this is my last chance to be happy and provide a family for my son and baby on the way
Let's begin here: there is absolutely no situation where any form of violence is acceptable - verbal OR physical. That has to end right here, right now. I don't care what he says to you and I don't care how angry you make him. Period. No exceptions. No "mistakes". No "accidents". No flying off the handle - nothing.
I have absolutely no way of predicting the future or people's behavior in the future. I don't know if you're going to be punished or not. What I do know is that there are many ways to reduce or prevent it. Whether you both take those actions is entirely up to you. Only you know how valuable you and your relationship are to each other.
In fact, you're not being "punished" for the way you got together. You both are CREATING a difficult situation that began as difficult. Maybe you're addicted to the drama. Maybe neither of you is mature enough to handle things as they are now. I don't know the root cause of all of this but frankly, it doesn't matter.
You have children to think about here. What sort of example are you both setting for those kids when you (who are supposed to be reasonable, responsible adults) can't control your own tempers? It's not a surprise that abusive adults often come from abusive families.
If you can't get past this for yourselves, it's time to get past it for the children. The first step is to stop having to be right all the time. Fighting, arguing and tension are coming from a selfish, "me first", "I have to win" attitude. One of you can't "win" without the other losing. However, it's entirely possible for both of you to win - or lose. That is by choice.
You and he need to sit down calmly, as adults, and figure out a new way of dealing with this tension. You have to have a higher calling (like your kids?) and use that as the motivator for how you treat each other. When you have disagreements you can simply turn it into a game and say, "Ok, it's YOUR turn to win this one" and then let it go, knowing that the next time is the other's turn. You can even get playful about it.
His mental challenges and your hormone-based emotional swings aren't helping here but you CAN control them by accepting and being aware of them. When you're feeling down or angry or insecure, check yourself. Realize that it's not the way the world is or some outside force you can't control. It's just a "phase". Same with him and his emotional swings.
Ultimately, you ALWAYS have choices in how you respond. If you chose to lash out at each other, then your future will always be filled with "punishment". There's no other way. If you take a few deep breaths and realize that the moment can pass without an explosion, then that will be your future.
Finally, if you just can't seem to get control over these problems you might need some outside help. A few visits to a professional can really help you get your priorities straight and to help smooth the road. This is a very long journey that is marked by the travel - not the bumps along the way. Perspective is everything and a counselor can really help you to remember that fact.
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”