General Dating Questions/casual sex

Advertisement


Question
QUESTION: Hi. I value your opinion because I know you are very direct and tell it like it is.  Here is my situation: I was having casual sex-sex only, no dating-with a guy very briefly. We had sex about 7-8 times.  I knew what I was getting into and that he has slept with a number of women and that this is his lifestyle. We used protection, of course. I know that on at least one occasion, he was desperate for sex, and he doesn't like to go very long at all without any.  When a man is desperate for sex, will he sleep with any girl, even if he is not attracted to her??  I am a little insecure about my appearance, I admit that, but am wondering if he EVER found me attractive at all?  I do think that he likes the novelty of sleeping with different women all the time, and would bet money on it. I knew that he moves from woman to woman quickly. But I would like to know your opinion on whether you think he ever even found me attractive?  I know on one or two occasions he was desperate; he pretty much told me this in his own words.  Do guys like this-players-sleep with anyone, regardless of their looks??  Thank you for your opinion.

ANSWER: Hello Holly!

That belief about "any warm hole in a storm" isn't really accurate. There has to be at least SOME attraction for a guy. After all, we have to get it up!

Let's differentiate something here however: there's a difference between being "attractive" and being "relationship material". In fact, there's a HUGE difference. There are many women who guys will sleep with but not want to wake up with. That's a very different thing.

As to you being a little insecure about your looks, well, welcome to the club! I know women who are 9's and 10's that feel exactly the way you do! In fact, almost all women are insecure about their looks in some way. This isn't a "Holly-special".

But, back to the point, he has to find you at least somewhat attractive in order to sleep with you.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: This guy stopped seeing me and didn't tell me why, but I told you he probably likes the novelty of sleeping with different women.  And of course I know these casual sex arrangements can end at any time. I should mention too that he does live 45 minutes away, and maybe that is part of the reason he broke it off.  We last saw each other two months ago.  I am not seeing anyone currently, and being human, want to have sex sometimes but don't want to go looking for a random stranger that badly, either.  The guy who I was seeing went to high school with me and we are the same age, so obviously we are not strangers.  I want to contact him and ask him if he wants to see me sometime but I guess I am afraid of rejection.  Should I wait for him to contact me if he is ever interested again??  Or should I just send him a message?  And I hate to appear desperate, but I am a little bit.  Will this turn him off-that I really want some sex?  I suppose if he is interested, then he is, if not, then he's not.  Just wondering what you think about me contacting him.  As I have said, he is not a "relationship" guy, so I know he is not committed to anyone.  Not to say that he's not having sex, though.  Thank you!

Answer
Hello again Holly!

Dating/relationship situations are different than sex-only situations. They don't have the same rules. Yes, if you want to get laid, you should contact him, but then, I get the sense you actually want something else here and that changes the rules.

Let's talk about that "desperate" belief. Holly, women are the only ones worried about coming off as "desperate" and in fact, men have absolutely no sense or clue about it.

One time I was in a karaoke place standing up against the bar watching someone sing. This blonde girl came up to me, put her finger in my face and said, "You need to meet me!"

I was somewhat shocked and laughed. I put my hand out to shake hers and said, "Hi, I'm Dennis". We had a 45-minute conversation and I got to know her better. She and I didn't really click, but consider the situation for a moment. Even today, I *still* don't think she was "desperate" at all - I think she was damned strategic!

Men DO NOT think women who are direct and forward are "desperate". That's a ridiculous belief that you girls continue to inflict on each other - and has nothing to do whatsoever with how us guys think or act. Thus, being afraid of coming off that way is just a waste of your time.

The same thing goes with being horny. So, you're horny? Great for you! I'm very proud of you for having a strong, healthy sexual appetite! There's nothing to be ashamed of there and in fact, you should embrace it and be proud of it for yourself as well. Nothing is more important to you and your well-being as your sexuality.

So, yes. You should contact him. Don't wonder if he wants to get together and have sex with you. OF COURSE HE DOES. The only question is whether he's in a situation to or not; for example, if he met someone he wants to get to know better.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

General Dating Questions

All Answers


Answers by Expert:


Ask Experts

Volunteer


Dr. Dennis W. Neder

Expertise

I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

Experience

I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

Education/Credentials
Doctor of Philosophy

©2016 About.com. All rights reserved.