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General Dating Questions/should i just forget about her and move on?

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Hi Dennis

A few months ago I met a girl when I was traveling over Europe.  She was on my tour group for 10 days.  We became reasonably friendly and I got her number on the last day.  She said she was also keen to meet up with me when she returned home (we are both from the same city in Australia).

We continued our separate ways and a month later, when she returned home after her travel adventures, I took her out to coffee.  That went really well and at the end of the first date she said she would like to have dinner with me.

I suggested dinner in a week's time on a Saturday and she said she couldn't as she had a friend's party to attend but suggested we go out Sunday night.  Unfortunately I couldn't do Sunday due to prior commitments.  I was also unavailable the following weekend as I was out of town.

Fast forward 2 weeks and I contacted her to make dinner plans.  This time she came up with some random excuse (like she had to be somewhere else that day due to work).  When I tried a few times to reschedule, she gave me some further random excuses.  

Eventually, when I asked her it appears she has changed her mind about me, she admitted she was seeing someone else at the moment and that it just wouldn't be fair to reunite with me.

I was obviously disappointed.  I decided I would just move on so I wished her well and didn't contact her further.

Fast forward a month and we both coincidentally moved to the same suburb (she is literally down the road from me!).  We also randomly bumped into each other on the bus the other week and sparks started to fly again.

She told me which street she lived on (although hasn't given me her exact address), and later that night sent me a message saying that it was great seeing me and that I could come over any time (she lives with 2 house mates so it appears to me if I did invite myself over things would be reasonably platonic).

I am not sure whether I should take this further.  I obviously really like this girl but a month ago she made it clear that she was seeing someone else so I really don't want to waste time and energy on a girl who appears to either just want to be friends or is stringing me along as a backup.

What do you think I should do?  Shall I just move on or try a different approach?  

She only came out of a 3 year relationship some 9 months ago and she is in regular contact with her ex as they remain good friends.

Logically it appears I should just move on but a part of me doesn't want to give up on her.  If I invite myself over her place (most likely her house mates will be around), rather than take her out on a proper date, we will probably just end up having a very nice and friendly conversation and risk being friend-zoned.

What do you think I should do?

Many thanks.

Cheers
Mike

Answer
Hello Mike!

Here's the real problem you face: this is about her getting you to play your hand without her having to do the same thing. If you DON'T do this, it's going to be friend-zone-city for you and nothing else - ever.

So, my (rhetorical) question to you is: why should SHE be the one setting the terms? She invites you to just drop over anytime you want but frankly, is that really ever going to work? Of course not. If it does anything, it'll just result in her counting you as just another guy-friend she's created - obviously because she's just SO engaging and compelling!

Mike, you don't want to be that guy.

Here's what I suggest: call her up (please don't text her!) and just tell her that you don't want to just "drop by". If she can't make time for a formal date then how in the hell would she ever have time for you to just randomly drop by?

Here's the foundation of this: you have rights just as she does. If she can't manage her calendar well enough to actually set up a date she's not creating "value" at all. There's a scarcity-mentality many women think gives them greater value and will cause a guy to chase them all over town. The reality however is that it simply causes you to go shopping elsewhere - at least it should.

If you don't get what you want from all of this - not just vague promises and possibilities after having invested time, energy, money and emotion - why would you ever bother? Australia if LOADED with incredible women! Why would you waste your time with someone who can't even set up a freakin' date?

To this last point: you need to learn how to set up dates properly. What you're doing is going for the all-or-nothing single point in time. Instead (if you decide to move this forward) tell her, "I'm available on Thursday or Saturday of next week. Which one is better for you?" (Of course, substitute your available schedule instead.)

Bottom line: don't be scared to go for what you want and don't settle for what you don't want hoping to get it. You deserve better. If she can't find a way to give that to you she's not the girl for you. Trust your uncle Dennis here.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
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BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

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I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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Doctor of Philosophy

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