General Dating Questions/should i just forget about her and move on?
A few months ago I met a girl when I was traveling over Europe. She was on my tour group for 10 days. We became reasonably friendly and I got her number on the last day. She said she was also keen to meet up with me when she returned home (we are both from the same city in Australia).
We continued our separate ways and a month later, when she returned home after her travel adventures, I took her out to coffee. That went really well and at the end of the first date she said she would like to have dinner with me.
I suggested dinner in a week's time on a Saturday and she said she couldn't as she had a friend's party to attend but suggested we go out Sunday night. Unfortunately I couldn't do Sunday due to prior commitments. I was also unavailable the following weekend as I was out of town.
Fast forward 2 weeks and I contacted her to make dinner plans. This time she came up with some random excuse (like she had to be somewhere else that day due to work). When I tried a few times to reschedule, she gave me some further random excuses.
Eventually, when I asked her it appears she has changed her mind about me, she admitted she was seeing someone else at the moment and that it just wouldn't be fair to reunite with me.
I was obviously disappointed. I decided I would just move on so I wished her well and didn't contact her further.
Fast forward a month and we both coincidentally moved to the same suburb (she is literally down the road from me!). We also randomly bumped into each other on the bus the other week and sparks started to fly again.
She told me which street she lived on (although hasn't given me her exact address), and later that night sent me a message saying that it was great seeing me and that I could come over any time (she lives with 2 house mates so it appears to me if I did invite myself over things would be reasonably platonic).
I am not sure whether I should take this further. I obviously really like this girl but a month ago she made it clear that she was seeing someone else so I really don't want to waste time and energy on a girl who appears to either just want to be friends or is stringing me along as a backup.
What do you think I should do? Shall I just move on or try a different approach?
She only came out of a 3 year relationship some 9 months ago and she is in regular contact with her ex as they remain good friends.
Logically it appears I should just move on but a part of me doesn't want to give up on her. If I invite myself over her place (most likely her house mates will be around), rather than take her out on a proper date, we will probably just end up having a very nice and friendly conversation and risk being friend-zoned.
What do you think I should do?
Thank-you for your question Steve. First, I am going to go over the things you did right in this situation as well as some areas of growth for next time. I will also give you a few hints as to how to read girls and their interest level in you.
The things you did right here were ask for her phone number and not contacting her until you got back home. You also did a great job by following up with her and taking her out to coffee. Good job on those things. Always ask for the phone number of a girl youíre interested in, wait 5-7 days to contact her after that and follow through with a coffee date or ice cream date as these are low key first dates and will take a lot of pressure off the two of you in the beginning.
Now, when you were on the coffee date, she mentioned a doing future activity with you (i.e. dinner) which is a VERY positive indicator of her high interest level in you. Remember that when you are on the first date, YOU do not mention any future activities together with the girl; you let her do any mentioning of future activities together. Why? Because you are using the first date to gauge her romantic interest level in you. If you are the one to mention a future activity together, you will never know for sure if she just said yes to be nice or if she genuinely wants to go. By allowing that to come from her mouth, it proves she wants to see you again.
You went a little bit off the rails when you set up the next date on the current date you were already on. That is considered a no-no in the dating game. Next time, itís best if/when a girl mentions a future activity together to be vague and say something general like, ďyeah, that sounds funĒ and leave it at that. Wait to set up the second date 3-5 days AFTER you finish the first. You CALL her (no texting to setup dates if you can help it) and already have the time and place picked out. Also and this is a very important point, NO weekend dates until the two of you have gone out for a few months and/or she asks you why you never take her out on the weekends. Again, you may be asking why this is necessary. Itís all about posture and confidence. It is best to let the girl assume that you are BUSY on the weekends (you have a social life donít you?) and therefore available only Monday-Thursday. Sundays can work as well if you cannot meet her during the week. Just avoid Friday and Saturday dates for as long as you can stand it. IF she has high interest level in you, this will only drive UP her interest level and will help you tremendously without having to do any extra work. Girls are an interesting breed in that their interest level grows for a guy when they are NOT around them! Counterintuitive I know, but I have seen this proven time and time again. If she is thinking about you and wondering what you are doing because you have not contacted her for several days, she cannot help but have a greater level of interest in you than before. Take this little nugget of gold and use it to your advantage.
More on the above, my feedback is proven in that when you ask a girl out for a weekend date, you are also assuming SHE does not have a social life on the weekends already. Point in case was when she told you she already had plans for Saturday. That is why you do not ask girls out for Friday or Saturdays my friend!
Now, hereís another little hint about what she said next. She COUNTOFFERED with a Sunday date. Anytime a girl says no to your first date suggestion but COUNTEROFFERS with a different date (as long as itís not a Friday or Saturday remember!), this shows high interest level on her part. This also works in reverse. If you ever suggest a date to which a girl says she is busy, but she does NOT suggest another date/time to meet, this typically means her interest level in you is low and best to move on to the next prospect. So she legitimately counteroffered for a Sunday, which is great, but you were busy. Thatís fine, but where you took a misstep is not counteroffering BACK with another day during the week. To make matters worse, you werenít available for a date on the following weekend. Do you see why we avoid weekends now? That left you with having to wait 2 weeks to set up another date. Unfortunately, two weeks is TOO long to wait in between dates. She likely felt that YOU were not that interested in her at that point and moved on to someone else. Her interest level for you took a nose dive. Unfortunately you missed your window of opportunity with her on that go around.
Onto your current run in with her. There are some pros and cons here. The good news is that she appears to still have some interest in you based on her actions. The bad news is that she has an ex lurking in the background whom she is good friends with. This is a big red flag in my book. Why do they need to remain friends? You can never fully move on from someone if they are always around. Do you see what Iím saying here? By dating a girl with an ex-boyfriend lurking about, you run the risk of them rekindling things later on down the road (ďit just happenedĒ) or the ex may try to sabotage your relationship with this girl because of jealousy. Itís just not something Iíd advise you to get into. Your energy is likely better spent elsewhere. However, I will say that if you just would like to see what happens with this girl without any expectations, call her or next time you run into her by herself, ask her if she is SINGLE. If she isnít, stop right there and move on. If she is, ask her out for another coffee or ice cream date to get this started again. Use the guidelines for setting up dates I gave you above. Do not meet her at her house to hang out with her housemates. Group dates are always a bad idea until she is your girlfriend!
Letís say all goes well and the two of you begin successfully dating, when she is ready to make you the boyfriend, you will need to ask her if she still has contact with any of her exes. If she does, tell her youíd like to keep things the way they are. If she questions it, just tell her you are not comfortable being exclusive with someone still in contact with their ex. Plain and simple.
Iíve given you a lot of feedback here, so if any questions arise, please let me know. I wish you the best of luck and have fun!