General Dating Questions/Girlfriend trouble

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QUESTION: Hi, I've been in a relationship with this girl for 8 months. we met in started hooking up in march which is about two months after I broke up with my wife which lasted a year and a half but were together for 5 years.  I was emotionally out of the marriaige for a long time before the break so I wasn't really hurt by it.  I met the new girl after and everything happened so fast and we fell hard for each other. Everything was great until about 5 months when she started to become distant and eventually broke up because things went to fast. That lasted about two weeks and we got together and decided to move a little slower and things were good and she became distant again and we just broke up again two days ago.  She said she loves me but not in love with me.  I said maybe things happened too fast and I'm fresh off a divorce and I need to get my head together.  I really do love this girl, i know it's not just because she's a new face we have a lot in common and things were amazing when we first started going out better than any relationship I've ever been in.  I need help with what to do.  Her father died a couple years back and I think that has a lot to do with how she goes about her relationships.  I don't mind moving on but only if I know this relationship is a dead cause.  Oh yea and I'm 28 and she is 24 if that makes any difference.  She only dates older men.  And right before we broke up she told me she doesn't deserve me and I treated her better than anyone has in her life and I found that peculiar.  Thanks for the time. Any questions just ask

ANSWER: Hello Michael!

Unless someone is artificially manipulating things they don't go "too fast". Each relationship has it's own natural speed. Some are fast and some are slow. Unless one person is constantly pushing for next steps; what may seem fast is more likely just a natural progression based on many individual factors.

Here's what I'm getting by reading between the lines here: she doesn't feel challenged by you. Things didn't happen too fast, they happened too easily and thus, there wasn't enough drama or tension or whatever (for her) to create enough value.

This gets a little complicated so stay with me here.

Many people associate conflict with attraction in the same way some people associate pain with pleasure or being ignored for interest, etc. There are many of these types of "moving away from" prototypes. I'm not going to get into all the psychology behind this, but suffice it to say that's what I sense from this girl.

In fact, I'm seeing more of this today than I did just 5 years ago!

To many women, "challenge" equals "value". To us guys, that is usually not the case however. We see challenge as work, stress, drama, humiliation, etc., but many women don't get that. Thus, when they just fall into a relationship many don't feel lucky at all. They feel they opted in too early.

So, this leaves you with something of a problem. Do you want to change how to approach things with this girl and try to get her back or do you want to keep things the same within yourself and move on to find someone who appreciates those things. The easier (but not always best) solution is to simply move on. Changing things up is extremely difficult for some guys. Only you know if you're one of those however.

It's also very likely not something you can do on your own - all by yourself. That's because you've spent your entire life just "being yourself". You see your own ranges of emotion as just who you are - not as individual characteristics that you can pull out to use when you need them.

If this is a path you want to consider, I'd strongly urge you to read my books, "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III" as they are all about discovering both these individual characteristics as well as understanding how women respond to them, how to bring them out, etc.

Things are still a little fresh here and you have some time but if you don't have enough time for this study you might also want to consider some personal coaching where we can get directly into this in more specific depth and create a plan of attack.

The bottom line: if you want to try to put things back together with this girl it's going to take a substantial change in how you approach her and the relationship - and that change has to be sustained. You can't make it work by being this different "Michael" for a few days or weeks and expect anything more than you have now.

If that seems like too much work or time, then move on and find the next girl who doesn't need this sort of challenge to feel attracted to and to love you.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I completely agree with you. I did challenge her in the beginning of our relationship but I guess I slowly stopped the more I fell in love with her.  I didn't have this problem before because it was so easy to be a challenge to other girls because I guess I didn't like them as much.  I know exactly what I did wrong now but I hope it's not too late. I put her on a pedalstool because she is so different from the girls I usually go out with.  I don't want to lose this girl and I want to do everything I can to keep her interested in me.  I know this isn't your problem but I don't have much time.  I have to go pick up some stuff at her place soon and I want to leave an impression on her.  I also would love to buy your books because I think they would come in handy regardless the outcome of this situation.  I hope you can help me.  She really is worth it and I know nobody can love her more than I can.  Thank you for your prompt response I'll be looking forward to your next one.

Answer
Hello again Michael!

You're very welcome and I'm happy to help.

Again, I don't know timeframes here. If the next contact is to get your stuff back from her and that has to happen soon, I agree - you don't have much time.

My books are available from my website and you can get them within seconds here: http://beingaman.com/products.aspx?type=2. You can also get personal coaching time here: http://beingaman.com/products.aspx?type=5. Choose your poison.

While timing is important, your specific actions are far more so. Most guys don't have a lot of room when things get to this point so be sure to choose those actions carefully.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

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I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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Doctor of Philosophy

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