You are here:

General Dating Questions/what makes a woman good in bed??


Hi. I am in my mid-thirties. I was dumped by my boyfriend without any logical reason. I recently found out through his new conquest (he is a total player, I have since found out) that he dumped me because I was "boring" in bed. This surprises me.  I am vocal and responsive and he even praised my oral sex.  I am overweight, though, and do not do girl-on-top because I'm horrible at it.  But, yet, he never expressed his opinions, either, such as what he would like me to do, what else we could do differently, etc.  He always had an orgasm and lasted long enough and seemed satisfied.  What the hell does a man want in bed and what is considered "boring"?  What is considered "exciting"?  I'm confused.

Hello Holley!

First of all a couple of points:

1) Men will almost NEVER tell you when things aren't good in bed. They will rarely show you how to fix things either. That's absolutely tragic in my opinion but it's fact. Guys aren't going to risk getting less sex or worse sex if they are at least getting something. In my view, it's every man's job to at least "pay it forward".

2) In a survey I conducted a few years ago, of the women asked, 87% rated themselves at least "good" if not "excellent" as a sex partner. That was actually higher than how men rate themselves as a lover at 82%. However, when I asked men how many women they've been with who were at least "good" or better the response was only 12%!

Think about that for a moment. Why do so many women believe they are at least "good" (if not "excellent") sex partners, when men only found that 12% of women were?

Certainly that has to do in part with the fact that men aren't helping women to become better lovers. In addition, to become really good as a lover often takes multiple (sometimes many) sex partners.

3) Among all the skills people need to have healthy, happy relationships sexual skill might not be the #1 most important thing, but it's right up there in the top-3. So, why do so few women focus on their skills? I've found that most women just assume that some guy will come along and teach them or unlock those skills. As I've already said, that almost never happens.

4) It's an interesting fact that you rarely hear but, if you take an otherwise good (or great) relationship with a lousy sex life, they couple rarely stays together long-term. On the other hand, a  bad relationship with a good (or great) sex life almost always stays together.

5) In vast majority of long-term relationships (over 10 years) the couple first started having sex within the first 3 dates!

Holley, those are some sobering numbers, right? I'm very glad at least you're asking the questions here. It's time to get this solved for you and many other women out there in similar circumstances.

So, what do men want in bed? What makes a "good" love from a "bad" one?

Here's an article from my website that I think will help you immensely. Take a look at it and let me know if you have any questions.

10 Ways Women Can Be Lousy in Bed

To this article, I'll add one more thing: skills. Learn skills. Build confidence in your skills and bring that confidence to the bedroom.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

General Dating Questions

All Answers

Answers by Expert:

Ask Experts


Dr. Dennis W. Neder


I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: You can email me directly at:


I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

Doctor of Philosophy

©2017 All rights reserved.