General Dating Questions/abuse?
I have been in an on and off relationship since 3 years now. I am 22, he is 26. Our relationship has been through a lot, we used to fight almost everyday to the point where eventually during every fight he would start verbally abusing me. A few months ago, I finally had enough and decided to end this relationship for good. However, a week ago he came back and asked for another chance. He said he realised his mistakes when he thought he had lost me and he would never repeat them again. For some reason, this time I trusted him because his behaviour was so different since it had been from the past 2 years. My heart wants to give him another chance because I think he has changed. Since then, we haven't had a single fight. We have disagreements sometimes but instead of fighting and abusing me, he listens and understands me. He talks to me very lovingly and makes me feel special. We now want to marry each other. I understand why he has been abusive to me in the past, he is from an abusive family background. His father used to abuse his mother and he has grown up seeing this which has made him this way. I just wanted to ask, do these people who are from abusive famillies always become abusive or are there any exceptions? Do these people ever change?
I am not a psychologist or therapist or any kind of professional regarding mental thought processes or anything of that matter - just a heads up.
It seems that people can very well change, however it has to come from the will of the person. This means, learning to express themselves in a thorough way using their words, as opposed to lashing out on the person they love or are fighting with. This man you are seeing has seen communication in a distorted way; his father yelling at his mother to express himself was the only kind of way he knew communication looked like. So when he started to develop this relationship with you, he knew that this was how he was expressing himself, wrong or not, he did not KNOW any better. I wouldn't excuse his behaviour however, on his family background, he's an adult and he needs to learn how to stop himself from abusing others in the future and more importantly you, as his future wife. This is his test from the universe now! He will FOREVER be tested on how he speaks to others and not just you: waitresses/waiters, cabbies, business people, friends, family, etc.
You need to help him understand that his way of speaking in the past was completely unacceptable and if you were to hear something like that again, you would leave. Because the problem that ends up arising from these situations is that person A abuses person B for X amount of time and as time goes, he/she excuses the behaviour with other things (i.e. "I was on my period, I am sorry - or I was about to get my period, I was being a witch! Or, for the males case, "I got cut off on the road that day and I was late for work", etc.) Now we're entering a different kind of abuse called being passive aggressive. This is sometimes worse than the actual verbal abuse because the person does not recognize their faulty behaviour and thus continues to act this way over and over again, never gaining perspective.
You can try and be supportive for him as much as you can - advise him to go to a therapist who can deal with his short temper; this can be beneficial for your future home. Otherwise, stay positive and don't ever cut yourself short.