General Dating Questions/curveball

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Question
QUESTION: Hi Dennis,
While I was at work I crossed paths with a guy I have a crush on. He was joking, flirting and winking at me as we talked. He asked what was going on in my life. I told him I was applying to business school. Without hesitation he said, "You can ask me out for coffee and we can talk about business."

What?

That was a curveball. I was thinking, "Wait, I have to buy the coffee? Is he telling me to ask him out on a date? Why does he wanna talk to me about business; I don't know anything about business." Yadda yadda. I ended up saying (with a confused look on my face), "Umm...yeah...ok." Then I wandered off without saying anything else.

What the HELL?! He was definitely flirting with me and he always does.

What's your interpretation?

ANSWER: Hello Tina!

My interpretation: he's a "technique guy".

Here's what's going on:

Many guys lack basic approach, rapport/connection building and dating skills. They usually recognize this (due to a lack of opportunity) and thus, start combing the internet looking for some answers. They come across something on the internet and pick up one piece of advice or one "technique" and; without understanding any of the foundation for it just start using it.

There are a ton of these ridiculous techniques out there - and a few even work *IF* you know when and how to use them. There are things like "neg-hits", "cocky/funny" and a bunch more I won't bore you with. The fact is, this guy came across this idea ("challenge") has absolutely no idea what it is or how to use it properly and has just inflicted it all over you.

It appears he's interested in you but doesn't have the skills to move things forward.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi Dennis!
Thanks. That makes sense. He used to call me "babe" all the time, but he stopped because I think he sensed I didn't like it. I think he might even be a little intimidated by me. Do I want to be interested in this guy?

ANSWER: Hello again Tina!

I certainly can't tell you how to be interested in however, if he's this unskilled at just basic dating, how unskilled is he in every other aspect of relationships? I think that's a pretty valid question and one I get a lot from women.

Many women are concerned that THEY are going to have to do all the work in building a relationship and receive little if any benefit.

With that said, only you know what investment you're willing to make.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Haha well I can't really blame him because I'm super interested and I haven't done anything about it either. I have tried to be "cool," because obviously no one wants to look desperate, but it probably makes me come across as awkward and inept. And maybe he is as confused by my behavior as I am by his lol!

I have hesitated mostly because this guy is really hot and really cocky and he probably has a ton of female admirers. He's a smooth talker. He is probably used to having women play right into his hand without even having to do anything. To that end, I'm like, "Uhuh playboy I am NOT asking you out no matter how bad I want to."

But, this also makes me wonder, if he's a player why he hasn't given up on talking to me yet? When we first met I thought he was a douchebag and when he would talk to me I would literally look away and think, "Why is this guy talking to me? Get a clue, dude!" I would straight up ignore him! I was not trying to be a challenge I just couldn't possibly have been less interested. I am a hippie and he's a bro; I thought his buddies paid him to hit on me as a joke or something. Whatever the case, I was so not having it. After about 8 repetitions of this scenario I was like, "Hmmm...maybe he's not a douchebag. Maybe I should see what this guy's about." So, anyway, now somebody has a crush...a big crush :)

Answer
Hey Tina!

Ah yes. The "desperation resolution" (the excuse for not being more open about your interests). I see this all the time. Here's something you should know: ONLY WOMEN think about looking "desperate". Men simply don't think that way. I don't. Your father doesn't. Your last boyfriend doesn't and trust me, neither does this guy. It's simply not part of our world and is something you girls continue to heap upon yourselves as an excuse to not do what you really should do in order to have the relationships you deserve.

By acting aloof, you think it draws guys in. No Tina, it doesn't. It repels us. Stop and think about just how dumb that play really is - from your OWN standpoint. Do you really want a guy who acts like he isn't interested in you; that won't return your phone calls, that seems ambivalent about you and your life, that misdirects and evades?

So why in the hell would ANY woman believe that would ever work with any man? (Answer: it's the same with "desperation" - it's because your girlfriends continue to convince you it's true even when it's not!) Even more than the desperation resolution, this is the single biggest mistake I'm constantly trying to help women fix! Acting this way DOES NOT make a guy want to chase you more. In fact, you LOSE value in our eyes and we go off looking for easier (and frankly, smarter) targets.

Here's a little secret by the way: (and, if this guy has ANY smarts whatsoever about dating he already knows this) when I take guys out to learn how to approach women and get laid, we look exclusively for the girls who play that game. They are ALWAYS the easiest targets.

Do you know what really gets men's attention and moves them from interest to attraction? It's the girl who shows US interest. The girl who doesn't seem like a stuck-up bitch, is confident and comfortable expressing herself and especially, is FUN. That means she's engaging.

You girls (again) try to convince yourselves that showing even the slightest interest somehow makes us think you're clingy. No, it doesn't. We simply don't think that way. You know which girls we think are clingy? Clingy girls! That's it!

Again, I'm not convinced this guy is a player; but whether he is or not the answer as to why he hasn't "given up" on talking to you is simple: he's trying to give you a chance to come clean. He's trying to give you a chance to open up a little, unclench your ass-cheeks and be a real person.

So, your choices seem pretty clear here: stick to your guns, continue doing exactly what you're doing now, be (and appear) insecure and you'll avoid actually having this guy get to know you and maybe become attracted to you. Or, you can give up those ridiculous games, start expressing interest in him and let him know you might be his perfect girlfriend - if you haven't lost that opportunity by having waited (and played) too long.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
323.638.4145
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

Experience

I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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Doctor of Philosophy

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