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General Dating Questions/Men & Women's ideas about beauty


QUESTION: Hi Dr. Dennis!!

Five years ago you told me how men have much different ideas about what is beautiful, sexy etc than women do.

Here is an article that explains just that!!

(It is the daily mail european tabloid site so make sure you have spam block, pop up blocker, run a scan etc... i've never had a single problem with this site but i told you this just in case u get a pop up or something)

Ok, be honest...this is my women's opinion, tell me wjat you think :)

And yes I realize all men have different taste and yes that taste can change.

I think most men would be more than thrilled if their partner looked like either of those two women. Most guys are satisfied with "cute" girls with "normal" slender frames and some curves, and don't need you to look like a 6 foot tall supermodel.

Contrary to popular belief, most professional guys like doctors and lawyers probably wouldn't want their partners to look like porn stars because it makes things awkward socially, haha. Seems like guys just like regular cute.

Actually I think guys just like beautiful in general if the girl has a nice personality... whether it is cute, or hot, or porn star cute... am I right?

By the way I look a lot like that first girl #1, so at school women were constantly beating up on me and getting crazy jealous and angry for the way I looked, but the guys all ignored me and I couldn't get a single date. SEE? I was getting bullied for no reason at all this entire time since theoretically all the men wanted #2. LOL.

Ana from Chicago

ANSWER: Hello Ana from Chicago!

Five years ago? FIVE YEARS??? It seems like only yesterday!

Thanks for sharing that article. It's excellent and certainly points out what I've been saying for (at least) five years: women's perception of their own (and other women's) beauty doesn't match men's perceptions.

As someone who has dating porn stars, playmates, actresses, etc. I can tell you that they are very different in real life than they appear to be. Much goes into crafting their personas for the mass-market. I'm not saying that these women are crazy however. Yes, some are. Some are brilliant marketers as well.

There is one thing however that all these exceptionally "beautiful" women know: how to use makeup to their advantage. I know many women who have pretty basic looks but who also know how to pull off a look that appeals to men. You can search online for "celebrities without makeup" as a great example of this.

But keep in mind that while men may like certain looks we aren't as one-dimensional as many women think we are. There are TONS of things we like - and don't like - in women. Having a particular look works for the first meeting but after that you'd better bring some real game. While the media would have you believe that most guys are all "frat-boy mentality" we are not. That is certainly one motif for a few guys (particularly; 18-year-old frat-boys!) but doesn't mesh with the vast, VAST majority of men.

Both women in those photos are attractive. Yes, I prefer the second one as well but that could very likely change the instant the first few words escaped her lips. It's the same with the first. Every woman is a "package" of attributes. Sure, guys want someone they consider beautiful but almost every guy I know will go for average women (especially those who know how to "doll-up" when they need to) who bring other things of value to the table.

In fact, it's THOSE SKILLS that are far more important to most men.

I think you know I hate using celebrities as examples because they simply don't reflect the average person, but I'm going to do it anyway. Consider the break-up of Sandra Bullock and Jesse James. He left her for Kat Von D. I doubt there'd be anyone who would consider Kat to be even close to the beauty of Sandra - VISUALLY. Yet, why did he leave her? Because she's lousy in bed!

By the way; one more point to make here about looks: one of the most compelling "beauty traits" men see in women is symmetry. I wrote an entire chapter about this in my latest book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World III". It's unfortunate that the latest fashion trend is tattoos because nobody decorates their bodies symmetrically! They put one tattoo on their forearms, another on the opposite shoulder, etc., throwing their symmetrical looks out the window! Thus, if a woman is at all concerned with her looks she'd better re-think tattooing. Yes, some guys "like" it but there's not a guy I've ever met who disliked a non-tattooed girl!

Your story about being bullied in school is an important one the one fact I constantly try to help women understand: you girls THINK you know how men think, what we like, what attracts us, etc., but your education often comes not from us but from other women. I'm only slightly smart enough to know that my guy friends are NOT a good source of information on women so I went right to the source when I began my studies about you. You'd do well to drop most of what you think you know that came from other women and get your education directly from the tap.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------


Yeah well marrying Jesse James... he seems like a douchebag personally, haha. LOL.

When he first met Sandra Bullock, she smiled and said hi and shook his hand, and the first thing he said about her to everyone was "oh great i have to do a movie with one of these stupid hollywood bitches. i really can't stand this stupid bitch. kill me now."

and then he got to know her fell in love and married her. but i mean... he's the type of ignorant guy that makes snap judgements about people based on the way they look/dress/career, without even knowing them.

I think Sandra Bullock's problem was... not so much that she sucked in bed (judging from her sex scenes in movies, haha probably not so much that, lol) but maybe she didn't understand that Jesse likes wild stuff in bed?

Perhaps he likes bdsm and threesomes and orgies and dressing up like a tranny, roleplay and such and that wasn't her thing... maybe she just likes boring regular vanilla sex?

there is nothing wrong with either one... you just have to talk about this stuff and find out what the other person likes.

I once met a really wild crazy BDSM guy on online dating once... all he did was wild orgies and threesomes and porn star sex and bloody nipple piercings and such... he was WIIIIILD... i told him that i am more of a boring vanilla sex person, that i didn't mind trying stuff, but i definitely couldn't do the really wild physical pain stuff, and he was fine with it.

I mean... u just need to talk about this stuff beforehand??

Hello again Ana!

Here's an example I use when I talk about interest in different types of sexualities (what some people would consider "exotic" like BDSM, role-playing, multiple partners, etc.): Let's say that you're out working in the yard on a hot day. You get really thirsty and walk inside to get a drink. You get a glass and go to the faucet, fill the glass and drink.

Now I have a question: you are less satisfied with that glass of water than the one you had yesterday that had ice in it and came from a bottle labelled "natural spring water"?

Of course not. You're just as satisfied. It's the same thing with vanilla sex verse exotic sex. Unless you have an unhealthy obsession with some particular sex act (or for that matter, look, body part, sensation, experience, etc.) people enjoy vanilla sex just as much as exotic sex and usually mix the two. Keep in mind that I'm not talking about fetishes here unless the fetish itself takes over the person's sexual focus.

To put this into perspective, consider someone who is sexually attracted to women's shoes. A fetishist likes them and includes them in their sexual play. However, an obsessive doesn't need to have a real person in them and gets off with the shoes by themselves.

It's reasonable to assume (without further evidence) that your ex-boyfriend was a fetishist, not an obsessive and was able to enjoy you sexually on many different levels. So it is with most men! Again, we are not at all one-dimensional as some people want to believe.

That's even more reason why women need to work on their own sexualities. (I rarely have to tell men this by the way - most know it intuitively!) It's not about trying and liking everything. It's about range and the ability to express. Sex is communication first. If your vocabulary is limited so is your expression.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder


I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: You can email me directly at:


I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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