General Dating Questions/Relationship after divorce break up
Hi Deb, I was in a 5 yr. relationship, two of them being marriage. We broke up over financial reasons and it was pretty ugly. But besides the point, I met this girl about a month after I left my marriage and we started dating and things moved kind of fast and we became boyfriend and girlfriend. The first 3 months were great and then thing got shaky. We broke up because we were together to much and eventually got back together a week after and things were good again and then the same thing happened(she did the breaking up). We've now been broken up for about a month and now that I'm by myself for the first time in years. I've been doing great and working out a lot of personal issues. I now know I wasnt ready to be in that relationship and think she knew it all along. Our break up was very clean, no hard feelings and we still loved each other just not in love. I haven't talked to her in a couple weeks because we're trying to distance ourselves from each other. I do still love her and think about her a lot. I don't know if she feels the same but she might. I don't know what I should do. I know why we broke up and it makes total sense to me now. I was a little needy and clingy to her during our relationship and I didn't even see it till now. I'm not that kind of person and quite frankly I'm kind of embarrassed of how I acted towards her and if I were in her shoes I would have done the same thing. I do want to be with her and I know everything I do is crucial. I just need some advice on how I should play this. Thank you for your time.
i tell every relationship u have had personal issues,clingy and needy,before u can move on u first have to pray and ask God to work on your self esteem cause this is what is standing in your way,not that u is not relatiionship committed material but low self esteem will cause people,especially woman to withdraw.Have you ever been described as needy or clingy? Do you get so excited about a new friendship or relationship that you bombard the other person with attention, only to find that they distance themselves from you? Do you find yourself wanting to call, text, or e-mail someone a whole lot more than they contact you? If so, you've probably figured out that neediness is a turn-off to most people--where's it coming from and how do you get rid of it? but there is hope.good thingd come to thodr who have patience.get ur bible read old testament Jeremiah 29;11 and be blessed ectraordinary bro.
•Every relationship develops at its own pace--don't fast forward to being "soul mates" or "best friends forever" just because things feel great. Cherish the novelty of it all, and the excitement of having something new, because it'll never be new again. It can be nerve-wracking not knowing how a certain connection is going to unfold, but it's also exciting. Be patient and learn to savor that excitement. Don't try and push the connection into a stage that it's not ready for or you're missing the fun and creating stress.•Part of the reason we get disproportionately excited sometimes is because we tend to "idealize" a person in the very beginning. When you first meet someone who you have a connection with, it's so easy to get lost in fantasies of how awesome your friendship or relationship might be, but with those fantasies come high expectations, and sometimes those expectations are unrealistic! Make it a point to remind yourself that this new person is human, which means they're not perfect. They will make mistakes, and you need to be ready to cope and forgive, rather than act shocked that the person dares to be anything but perfect.•Imagine your interaction with this person is like a tennis or volleyball game. Every time you initiate contact, you throw the ball to their side of the court. Then, you have to wait for them to send it back. You don't toss a whole bunch more just to make sure he or she is still interested in playing. If you're a little on the needy side, you probably get nervous and worried while you're waiting. When this happens, take a deep breath. If you've already gotten in touch with someone (sent them an e-mail or text message, or gave them a call and left a voice message) there's no need to do it again. Whenever you do get the urge to contact them again, remember that there are only a few possibilities here;•They just aren't interested. It happens sometimes, for a variety of reasons, but one thing is for sure--showering them with more attention will never change their mind. Persistence is not the answer! Pulling away may be their way of jumping ship without confronting you; any prodding from you won't change the way they feel, and deep down inside, you know that. If someone doesn't have the decency to respond, they're not worth your time--you deserve better than that.Get busy doing other things. People who are busy simply don't have enough time to be needy; they're always preoccupied with other things, and guess what? Those other things often make those people more interesting friends and romantic partners. If you have nothing better to do than to wait for someone to call or write back, then you're probably bored (and you know what they say - if you're bored, you're boring). So what are you waiting for? Go volunteer. Learn to dance. Go for a run. Learn to oil paint. Join a club. Put yourself out there, apply yourself, and have fun! All your worries will fall away, and if and when the person gets in touch, it'll be a delightful surprise, not a frantic relief!Fill the gap. Odds are, if you struggle with neediness, you're probably a little lacking in the self-esteem department. You might be looking for someone to make you feel better about yourself, but the fact is that you are the only person who can really do that. You shouldn't base your happiness on someone else. Sure, it's okay for someone to make you happy, but if they're your only source of happiness, you might become angry or sad whenever they're not around, and that can be very demanding for the other person! It makes them feel guilty, obligated and eventually, resentful towards you. One way to get rid of neediness is to prove to yourself that you don't need anyone by doing things by yourself, or being single, for an extended period of time, until you feel confident, like you want a best friend or significant other, but you definitely don't need them;Learn to trust. Once you sort out what's going on inside, you can deal with any issues you might have in relating to other people. Neediness is often associated with a shortage of trust, and sometimes a fear of abandonment. When you find yourself doubting someone's feelings for you, or their loyalty, ask yourself why you don't trust them. Is it because they did something questionable? Or is it because someone in your past hurt you, and now you think this new person is going to do the same thing? If it's the latter, then remind yourself that it's not really fair to judge one person by another person's actions, is it? If you really care for this person, and they've earned your trust, give it to them.<•Give the person space. Respect their boundaries.
•If you love the person you are with, show them but show them lightly and don't force yourself on them because they could push you away.
•Stay away for a while and start doing something on your own. Get busy.
•Being too needy will only set you up for rejection. And that will lower your self esteem, creating deeper loneliness.
•Do anything that brings you joy and makes you happy. Avoid too much alone time. Get out of the house, join your friends for a night out, the more interests and hobbies you have the more appealing you're gonna be!
•Get absolutely comfortable with being alone first. Then your time will be more precious to you, and you'll be able to see the relationship more objectively.
•Being aggressive early is a big turn-off. Learn to pace yourself and always take small steps in the beginning.
•You are wasting your precious time in life by being needy. Learn self-control. You can do it.
•Realize some people are just not nice. It's not you, it's them. Find new friends.
•The love of your life will arrive on your doorstep before you know it. Just be patient and positive.good luck,peace be unto and upon u,happy holidays,go do something dpecial for self,God bless,my prayers is with u,feel free to email me anytime,i am here to bless u i pray with truth,free yourself and have an extraordinary,prosperous fruitful week,Peace from Charlotte NC
Deb,today is my birthday and i feel blessed to be a blessing