General Dating Questions/Was I too aggressive?

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QUESTION: Hello,

There's this guy at my work that I've thought was cute for a while. We hardly ever talk ( I work in a huge hospital and we aren't in the same dept.). Anyway, we've made small talk here and there and he seems really shy.So I friend requested him on FB and he accepted and actually seemed a little more social the next time I saw him. It's been a couple months since I friend requested him and I casually messaged him on FB just saying "hi, how are you"? and I asked if he was working. He messaged me back 2 minutes later and said "Hey, I'm good. How are you? I'm working dayshift this month". So I messaged him back telling him I was thinking about a really funny situation we were both involved in a couple weeks ago and I asked how long he'd been working at the hospital. It's been like 14 hours since I've heard from him and actually I can tell that he hasn't even read my message yet ( it tells you what time they read your message when you do it through FB). Granted, I waited 15 minutes before I messaged him back last night and it was kind of late at night and I know he probably had to work today but if a guy is interested in you, isn't he usually a little more eager to message you back? Was I too aggressive? I should also mention that I talked to a mutual friend about him who said that he is very very shy.

Thanks!
Kristy

ANSWER: Hello Kristy!

No. You weren't too aggressive. As you said yourself, you know he hasn't read the message yet.

To be honest, I'm concerned with a number of things about this story. First of all, if you're interested in him, why are you messaging him on Facebook? Are you trying to keep your distance? Do you really think that makes a man interested in you? It's the same thing with texting.

I'm also concerned when I hear this sort of question. It just tells me that you have absolutely no idea of how men think. You've been reading too many women's magazines where they tell you this ridiculous bullshit not because it's true, but because they know you'll buy it.

Give him some time - a day or two.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Ok,
So he did respond back but it was very short and he didn't ask me any questions to keep the conversation going so I replied but kept it very short and sweet. I hardly see him at work so but the next time I see him should I try to strike up a conversation with him or should I just leave the ball in his court?

Kristy

ANSWER: Hello again Kristy!

You absolutely should talk to him! Even better, why not just say "You know, we should talk more when we have time like outside of work over a drink. Here's my number."

How easy is that?

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Couple more questions!
I told our mutual friend who works with him to mention to this guy that I had said I thought he is cute just to put it out there that I'm interested and next time I see him, I'm going to try and start a more in depth converstion with him to see where things go. How does that sound? I usually don't make the first move so I'm completely clueless with this stuff, I just don't see him ever making the first move because he's shy. Is it true that men don't get hints like FB friend requesting and messaging?

Thanks,
Kristy

Answer
Hey Kristy!

First, yes, Yes, and YES! Men don't get hints. How often do I see this? Women say something on Facebook or make some subtle gesture and the guy is totally clueless. While it may seem obvious to you that having your friend (and frankly, you shouldn't be using your friends this way) tell him you think he's cute is an sure-fire opener, it's likely not. What he'll wonder is what your friend's motivation is - not how to approach you.

Look: it's a new millennium with new rules. There's no reason why you can't approach him - I don't care what your girlfriends have told you or what you've read in Cosmo. The reality is that men today simply don't know what they're doing. Even if he is interested in you he might have a hard time figuring out how to approach. Sadly, most men have this problem.

Striking up a conversation with him is a great opener. You want to time things right however and you can easily use work as an excuse to escalate things to something more. Ask him something he would know (even if you do too - it's perfectly fine). As he gets going, turn it toward something slightly more personal.

For example if you ask him a work-related question and he answers it you can follow up with, "So how'd you get interested in healthcare?". This begins to draw him out more personally and allows you to establish a connection with him.

As the conversation begins to connect (no more than about 3-5 minutes) you can simply say, "It's fun talking to you. We should do this again outside of work sometimes since I don't want either of us to get into trouble. Here, take my number and let's have a drink next week".

See how easy that is?

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

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I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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Doctor of Philosophy

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