General Dating Questions/Memories


QUESTION: Okay, so I've been in my current relationship for four years now.  We met in high school and dated for ten months before he left to join the Navy.  After I graduated, as well, I went to an out-of-state university, and we got lucky in that he is now stationed only 4 hours away from my school.  We have communicated as much as possible throughout these military years and have seen each other on all his leaves, in addition to occasional weekend visits that we can now give each other since he has moved so close.  He generally treats me very well and we both love each other very much and are completely committed to spending the rest of our lives together.  

However, there have been a couple of times in our relationship that he has done something that made me feel bad (note that I'm not talking about anything unspeakable like abuse, these are just a couple events in which he acted thoughtlessly).  I know that his intentions were never to hurt me, and because I didn't want to cause problems, I never really told him how those events made me feel when they were occurring. Unfortunately, because I never talked to him about these issues, I still get really upset about them when I think about them.  Through this, I have learned that it is better to talk to him directly if we're having a problem, but I am still left with the frustrating memories of these few random past events and I don't know how to get over them.  The only thing that I can think of that would probably help would be to talk to him about them retroactively, but I refuse to do so without some sort of conversational precedent, because I think it would be unfair to just, out of the blue, bring up these couple random events that he probably doesn't even remember and that he has never repeated and tell him he made me feel bad.

Therefore, I would like to find a way to get over these events on my own.  I've tried thinking of all the evidence that he loves me and I've tried rationalizing his behavior, but for some reason, it still bothers me.  I could always cope with this in the past because I would only think about it every once in a while, but for the past week or two, for whatever reason, I've been thinking about these things almost every day, so I really need advice about how to better cope with them.

ANSWER: so what are they?

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Well, the more minor one was that, during one of my visits to his apartment, he spent almost the entire weekend doing nothing but playing video games.  He  didn't do that the other couple of times I've stayed with him, so to be fair, he might have just wanted to spend the weekend at home relaxing, but I was hurt that he didn't care enough to try to find relaxing things we could do together.  Admittedly, he tried to get me to learn how to play this one multiplayer game on his computer (while he played his xbox), but it was too complicated and level-based for me to possibly get good enough to play with him over the weekend, so I felt more like he was just trying to find something for me to do while he played, and I wasn't interested in sitting on the computer by myself when I was supposed to be spending time with him, so after determining that there was no way I could get good enough at it in the required amount of time, I told him I would worry about learning it later.

The one that really upsets me happened the summer before last.  He was at home on leave at the very end of my summer vacation, and he was staying for a few days after I went back to  school.  All of my friends wanted to have a going away party on my last day home and then leave the next morning when I left for school.  He wasn't present when all of this was decided, so I texted him and told him what we were doing and that most people were coming at around five, and he said he would come.  He didn't come at five, but I knew he was out doing something with his car so I wasn't expecting him to.  At about six or seven, he stopped answering his texts entirely, but I didn't think much of this at first, either, because he doesn't text while driving and he's also notorious for not keeping track of his phone regardless of where he is.  As the hours went by, though, I started to get preoccupied with worrying about where he could be.  At about 12:30 AM, he called me and asked if the party was still going on.  I said that it was and he said that he had been at a friend's house and would be over shortly.  When he got there, he started playing a game on the new 3DS that he had apparently just bought.  After he played for a while, he tried to take a nap, socialized for maybe a half hour to an hour, and then just started playing his game again.  At about 6 or so in the morning, I decided to catch a few hours of sleep and he said he wanted to leave.  When I protested, he said he would stay, but after a while I heard him go out to his car.  I followed him and found out that he had been annoyed by one of our friend's snoring and he was trying to sleep in his car.  At that point, he said he really wanted to go home and I didn't give him any more difficulties about it.  That one really hurt me just because everyone was so excited and adamant about spending as much time as possible with me before I left (even to the point of sneaking around behind my back during the party to make a video about how much they were going to miss me), but the one person I really care about didn't seem to give a shit.  In his defense, however, it was kind of sweet of him to sleep in his car so that he could talk to me again and say our last goodbye for that visit in person.

I do want to add that he did something else somewhat reminiscent of that again recently.  I had a bunch of people over for a New Year's party and he spent almost the entire time reading a book on his phone.  He passed up all of the games but one, and he read through the one he played to the point where I had to nudge him when he was supposed to do something and he seemed to do it hurriedly just to get it over with.  This time, however, I actually kind of gave him a hard time about it, repeatedly coming over to him during the party and asking him to get off his phone and play the games.  Toward the end of the night, when I was trying to get him to play the last game, he said something about not feeling very outgoing that day or something of that sort, and at that point, I decided to leave it alone.  He's a shy person by nature, and though he's gotten over it for the most part over the years, I thought that maybe he's still uncomfortable in large groups or something.  A day or two later, I texted him explaining that, if that was the case, I was really sorry that I had given him such a hard time but I didn't know that and how he was acting had made me "feel weird."  He never responded to the text, which is strange for him because he almost always gets back to me on things eventually.  However, at the end of my winter break, I had another last-day overnight gathering, and this time he did get involved with things all night, acting like his normal, silly self, and stayed until the night after, when I left, without me asking him to.  I'm not sure if this difference was due to something that resonated with him from my text message or if it was simply due to him being in a different mood, but I thought it would be worth mentioning to you.

you need to just let this stuff go---nothing gained by bringing it up now after all this time, especially seeing that it's nothing MAJOR; the lesson is, if you have an issue in the future, tell him your feelings RIGHT AWAY, and IN PERSON...also, read "the four agreements" by ruiz...#1, never take anything personally"...pretty unfair rating...there's no magic answer as to how to rid yourself of a thought, except to stop thinking about it; as i offered, not taking anything personally eliminates this and many FUTURE problems of the same kind; just because the solution sounds simple doesn't make it childish...

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expertise: over 7000 questions answered...B.A. Psychology Bates College;graduate study, Fordham Univ. School Social Work; technical editor, "dating for dummies", 2d edition, by dr joy browne; thoughtful consideration of your question, then insightful advice about love,romance and related issues given in an objective, non-judgmental manner...over 20 years of personal experience in both short and long term relationships...longer term consultations are available upon experience: personal involvement in many relationships where issues of love, sex, intimacy, trust, etc., had to be dealt with and resolved...just having "experiences", however, isn`t`s the thoughtful reflection upon and analysis of what happened and why, that leads to learning and tell me what`s on your mind and i`ll try to help, or tell you if i can`t...thanks


Over 20 years personal experience in dating, including both short and long-term relationships.Thoughtful reflection and analysis upon same, as well as providing imput relating to issues of love and romance to friends and acquaintances.

BA, Psychology, Bates College, Lewiston, Me. Graduate study at Fordham University School of Social Work.

Life experience can really be the only teacher in this area; however going through the experience is not enough. What is necessary is a real awareness, sensitivity to, and reflection upon what has happened, what has been lost, what has been gained. Getting beyond one's own insecurities and subjectivities, and seeing the experience in the context of the bigger picture, are essential stepping stones to learning and announces CT matchmaking service..for more, go to

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