General Dating Questions/Do men like to be asked out by women?
Hi Dr Neder
Just got a question.
Do guys like to do the asking out when it comes to dating or do they prefer that a woman approach them first? Or does it depend on the guy?
I've noticed that when I talk to some guys, they will drop hints that they want to do something, by saying 'We should meet up again'
So I'll say 'Sure how about having lunch this weekend?' Or if i ask them out:
Then the guy will say 'I'm not sure'
But they are happy to say 'Let's have coffee/lunch this weekend'and they want an answer - yes or no. Not Í'm not sure.
However, if I ask the guy, he will say 'Í'm not suré' Why does the 'Í'm not sure' answer work for some men, but not women?
Am I missing something here? I figured it meant you weren't sure what was happening on the weekend, thus the answer. But some guys actually get annoyed if I say 'I'm not sure'
This also applies to questions asked by men as well. They all want a definite answer to their questions, but can't give a definite to my questions.It's always 'we'll see, not sure, don't know....'
I'm very bamboozled.
Thanks for answering this
To some degree it depends on the guy, but that's a little vague so let me give some background first. By the way, I'm assuming you're a woman for this discussion. I don't know simply from your initial, "T".
Most guys really do like being asked (or "approached" which is a better point) first. A few don't. However, that said, nobody likes rejection. Just as it is with women who feel strong enough to approach a guy; guys don't want to face rejection from someone they approach.
For that reason, most guys do everything they can to avoid learning how to approach! If they don't learn the skills and just wait around for women to do the asking they save their delicate little egos. What these same men don't understand is that by learning to approach correctly, they all but avoid rejection!
There's another issue at play here as well. Many men don't even know they should be the one to move things forward and just wait for girls to do this for them. That old "We should meet up again" thing is actually the female-equivalent of an approach! It goes right along with giving her his number and expecting her to call him - which she never will.
Just the fact that you try to move things forward is a great thing; and frankly, I'm very impressed that you do this! Most women won't, but they won't for some good reasons. They usually want only guys with the balls to take the risk of being rejected (another thing most men don't get!) This at least helps to separate some of the guys out from those with less power, but the fact is; even high-power guys don't know what in the hell they're doing these days!
In fact, the "I'm not sure" answer doesn't work for anyone. If you were to say that to me, I'd respond with, "Really? What are you not sure about? I hope it's not your calendar because if you don't know how to work a calendar, you're never going to figure out how to work me!" Yes, it's funny but more important, it shows you just how ridiculous that statement is. It exchanges power and goes for a "positive close" (that is, getting the results you want).
If you're going to go so far as to approach a guy and take HIS risk of being rejected away from him, don't let him then mistreat you for it with "I'm not sure". That's really fucked up and frankly, it IS mistreatment; whether he just doesn't see it or whatever the reason. *YOU* took the risk of making the initial approach. That jackass owes you better than "I'm not sure". Don't settle for that. Make him be a man - just like I expect women to be women with me.
Consider this too: people know their schedules. If some particular guy doesn't know his schedule, he'll also tell you why he doesn't know it. He'd say (for example) "I'm not sure. I was asked to help a friend of mine move this weekend but he hasn't confirmed yet". This hypothetical guy didn't do that, right? Thus, he's being vague because he doesn't know any better. That's rude.
Here are some ways you can easily counter that rudeness:
First, don't treat it as rude - even though it is. If you do that, the discussion becomes one of defense, not of getting a date set up.
Instead, be funny about it. You can use the statement I gave you before if it fits your personality or you can do any number of other things.
For example, you can say, "What don't you know - whether you have ever single hour of your weekend committed? Whether you're going to wind up in a 'Call of Duty' marathon? If you're ready to have your world turned upside-down by some incredible, wonderful girl you just met?"
Or, "That's ok. Just pull out your phone and let's check your schedule then".
Or, "Really?? I just met the only guy in town that doesn't know what he's doing for the rest of his life!"
Or, "Oh, so you're not sure if you have something else going on? No worries. Let's set this up and you can call me later today after you check your schedule - but don't leave a girl hanging - ok???"
However, you always need to go back to your "close". You can then add, "I'm going to give you my digits and I'll take yours too just in case something comes up, but if nothing does, then we'll get together and have a great time".
Keep in mind that today, everyone has their phones with them. When you call or text someone, they damn-well know instantly who it is. If they don't get back to you right away, you're getting played. It's really that simple. Nobody is "so busy" they can't return a text or call! Instead, they are "so rude".
Likewise, they have their schedules in their phones already! If they don't, it's because their lives are so simple they don't need to keep a schedule. That also often means they really don't know what's going on and by nailing them down you are actually helping them. If for no other reason, this is why you should never accept "I"m not sure".
Ultimately, this comes down to how to set up dates properly. It's a science in and of itself!
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”