General Dating Questions/Is this normal behaviour?
Hello Dr Neder
I was wondering whether you can give me some advice.
I met a guy a month ago, and we started to get to know one another. He told me that he was out of a relationship for 2 years and had a daughter with his previous partner. However, we started off as 'friends' at his request and met for one coffee and 2 lunch dates.
I found at these dates, i could only see us as being friends and nothing more. There was no touching eg holding hands, kissing.
He would text me regularly, sometimes to the extent that it was quite annoying, because some of the texts would be sent at midnight or 1/2 am in the morning, asking me whether everything was alright and if i was asleep or not.
A week ago, he sent me a text to tell me that he was seeing a woman who was a close friend of his and whether i was okay to remain friends with him.
I stupidly said yes, because i wanted him off my back. Just last night he sent a message asking me if things were okay. I didn't respond because i don't want to lead him on and make him think that im interested. I'm not.
I'm just wondering if this normal behaviour or not? do I tell him that i don't want to hear from him or just ignore it and how?
"Normal" behavior? I don't know what that is. I don't know anyone that is "normal" - not even you. This is the behavior he chooses so for him, I guess it's "normal".
Let me tell you exactly where this came from and why you're going through all of this: you weren't honest about things up-front. Whether to spare his feelings or to avoid conflict or whatever, you have this current situation. If you had only told him that you weren't attracted to him originally rather than going on 3 dates with him things would have been very different right now.
Further, men aren't the weak, blubbering creatures you think we are. Yes, we have feelings too but trust me, we'd rather know the score up-front than to go on operating on some belief only to have it pulled out from under us later on leaving us looking and feeling stupid. If he had known this, he'd have gotten over it within minutes.
Now, not only do you have to be direct and firm about things, you're also going to have to defend your bad choices. When you tell him that you don't want to hear from him he's surely going to ask you "why" and frankly, he deserves an answer! While his choices are poor ones yours have been too.
You didn't want to be his "friend" either. You just threw him a bone hoping that you wouldn't have to do the hard work of rejecting him. You hoped that by not being the romantic partner he wanted that he'd eventually fade away and you'd have your work done for you. How'd that work out?
Would you cut a dog's tail off piece-by-piece? Of course not. Please don't do that with dating either. That may serve your own ego but it's only going to hurt the guys you meet in the long-run - where you are right now. Part of being in the dating world is being mature enough to uphold your own responsibility - just like you expect guys to do for you.
Dr. Dennis W. Neder
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”