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General Dating Questions/Is this normal behaviour?

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Hello Dr Neder

I was wondering whether you can give me some advice.

I met a guy a month ago, and we started to get to know one another. He told me that he was out of a relationship for 2 years and had a daughter with his previous partner. However, we started off as 'friends' at his request and met for one coffee and 2 lunch dates.

I found at these dates, i could only see us as being friends and nothing more. There was no touching eg holding hands, kissing.

He would text me regularly, sometimes to the extent that it was quite annoying, because some of the texts would be sent at midnight or 1/2 am in the morning, asking me whether everything was alright and if i was asleep or not.

A week ago, he sent me a text to tell me that he was seeing a woman who was a close friend of his and whether i was okay to remain friends with him.

I stupidly said yes, because i wanted him off my back. Just last night he sent a message asking me if things were okay. I didn't respond because i don't want to lead him on and make him think that im interested. I'm not.

I'm just wondering if this normal behaviour or not? do I tell him that i don't want to hear from him or just ignore it and how?

Thanks

Answer
Hello!

"Normal" behavior? I don't know what that is. I don't know anyone that is "normal" - not even you. This is the behavior he chooses so for him, I guess it's "normal".

Let me tell you exactly where this came from and why you're going through all of this: you weren't honest about things up-front. Whether to spare his feelings or to avoid conflict or whatever, you have this current situation. If you had only told him that you weren't attracted to him originally rather than going on 3 dates with him things would have been very different right now.

Further, men aren't the weak, blubbering creatures you think we are. Yes, we have feelings too but trust me, we'd rather know the score up-front than to go on operating on some belief only to have it pulled out from under us later on leaving us looking and feeling stupid. If he had known this, he'd have gotten over it within minutes.

Now, not only do you have to be direct and firm about things, you're also going to have to defend your bad choices. When you tell him that you don't want to hear from him he's surely going to ask you "why" and frankly, he deserves an answer! While his choices are poor ones yours have been too.

You didn't want to be his "friend" either. You just threw him a bone hoping that you wouldn't have to do the hard work of rejecting him. You hoped that by not being the romantic partner he wanted that he'd eventually fade away and you'd have your work done for you. How'd that work out?

Would you cut a dog's tail off piece-by-piece? Of course not. Please don't do that with dating either. That may serve your own ego but it's only going to hurt the guys you meet in the long-run - where you are right now. Part of being in the dating world is being mature enough to uphold your own responsibility - just like you expect guys to do for you.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

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I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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Doctor of Philosophy

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