General Dating Questions/Asking out a cashier?

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Question
Hello Dr. Neder

I'm 21 years old. Long story short: Theres a supermarket a block from my place where I do all my food shopping so I'm there every few days. Theres a new cashier girl who started working there a couple of months ago. She is absolutely stunning. I've also noticed that her eyes are basically on me the whole time I'm in the store (even when I'm not in her check out line). She kind of jumps up/gets nervous when I come to the store.

I don't mean to sound arrogant. Maybe shes just curious but I do know that in the least she does recognize me. I've also seen her outside the store a few times (when I'm going home and she's gets off her shift at night). I was too nervous to say anything but I did see her smile when she saw me.

Now heres the problem: I don't have a lot of trouble talking to girls or getting numbers if I know them through class or if they are the friend of a friend. But in this case, even though I see her so often and she probably recognizes me, I still can't get myself to say anything. I feel like I have no business talking to her. I have no idea what to say to her if I do run into her.

I just wanted your opinion on what would be the best way to approach this situation. Should I try talking to her in the store or try running into her outside (she usually works the same shift every time I've been there)?
Would it be wise to ask for her number right away or wait until we've interacted a few times? Most importantly, the #1 problem I have with girls I don't know well is that I have no idea how to react if I get turned down. I don't exactly feel devastated but how do I respond so its not so awkward and we can both get on with our lives?

Thank you in advance!

Answer
Hello J!

Or, maybe you remind her of the guy that killed her entire family!  (Kidding: I'm sure SHE was the one that killed her family.)

Ok, seriously:

Let's take a look at why you can talk to girls in class, but you're having trouble talking to this one. The difference is simple: context. You have something built-in to talk to these girls about. You can strike up a conversation about the class, the school, the teacher, homework assignments, the weather, killing one's family, the mercury levels in tuna, etc. - all because you have instant, built-in context.

That's what you lack with this girl, but it's incredibly easy to find context in order to approach and therein lies your key.

By the way, you have EVER "business" talking to her! Who knows? You might be her next, great love or the guy that she conspires with to knock over a convenience store. OF COURSE you have a right to talk to her! This isn't some violent crime or something. (That might come later.) You're just engaging another human being and maybe even finding something in common and forming a connection. If things go well, maybe you'll even start swapping long protein chains and DNA samples!

So, back to context.

Think for a moment, what sort of context do you have with this girl? If you really think about it, you have a ton. This is a game I play with my approach students - to come up with 100 or more types of context for any person you have happen to see anywhere. You can do it with people on the street, in restaurants, at school, in the county lock-up; anywhere!

With her you already know where she works, what she does for a living, the fact that she lives in the same state as you and probably 1001 other things. What about her shoes? What about her hair? What about jewelry? What about anything you can think of? These are all forms of context.

Now, keep in mind what you aren't going to do: you're not going to make her fall in love with you simply because you approach her. Sure, that seems obvious, but you'd be surprised at how many guys expect that to happen. All you're trying to do here is break the ice. You just need some simple reason to do it and it doesn't matter if it's funny or cute or dull as dish-water.

It's all the rapport and connection building that will create attraction and eventually more. So, just get the ice broken already! You can even just say, "Hey! You haven't been here that long. I've been coming here for 6 months. Did you just start working?" or "Hey! Do you live in the neighborhood? I've never seen you at any of the local NRA meetings", etc.

The point is to get your ass in gear and go talk to her already. Stop making this more difficult than it has to be.

As to the steps involved in that initial approach, it's more complicated than all of this. In a very simplistic way, you need to:

1) Break the ice
2) Begin building rapport and connection
3) Read the signals about her level of interest
4) Close for what you want.
5) Set up the first date(s)

Each of these is it's own study. I suggest you read my book, "Being a Man in a Woman's World II" that goes very deeply into each of these steps in great detail. It'll show you everything you need to know about how to do this and make it work. If you do these steps well, then, absolutely you should get her digits! Further, you won't have to worry about being turned down. That won't happen - it never does if you do things right.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
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BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

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I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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Doctor of Philosophy

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