General Dating Questions/Boyfriend Insecurities

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Question
Hi,

I have been with my boyfriend for about 9 months. Most of the time everything is perfect, all of the time when we are together in the same place. However, I am extremely insecure and anxious about our relationship and it has caused me to snoop. I went through his text messages after we spent about a week apart due to work. When we are not together I am extremely stressed about whether everything is okay, is he thinking about me, etc. (he always reassures me, even if I don't hear from him everyday).

However, in his phone I found an extremely long text conversation between him and his ex. They broke up about a year and 6 months ago but she is still very much in love with him. He has reassured me that he's over her but they were friends for a long time before they dated (for 4 years) and he finds it hard to cut her out of his life. When we got into a huge fight about it he decided to stop speaking to her for both of our sakes, as he realized she was still hung up on him and I was upset about them speaking to each other. However, even though he told me this a few months ago, I found this text conversation.

In it she was going on and on about how she missed him, reminiscing about their relationship. He wasn't responding in a super flirty way but he was being nice, a lot of I knows, etc. that only encouraged her.

I know I shouldn't have snooped, but it has made my already extreme insecurities even worse. He notices when I am insecure and tries to reassure me as much as he can even when I don't tell him what is bothering me. I know I can't talk to him about it, but I don't know if I can let it go. It's driving me crazy that they are still talking and carrying on those types of conversations when he's with me, but I can't bring it up, because it might do even more damage. I've definitely learned  my lesson about snooping and won't do it again but I'm worried that I will drive him away because I feel myself closing off to him since I feel like the other shoe will drop and the relationship might end because of their past relationship.

How can I get past what I read, and my insecurities over all before I sabotage our relationship? He's my first serious boyfriend in about 5 years and I really do love him and want our relationship to work.

Denisse

Answer
Yes, snooping is bad as is obsessing over your relationship this much. However I can see how his continuing to talk to an ex he has that much history with would make you nervous. However trying to impose rules on someone is also counter-productive. He tried to appease you before by telling you what you wanted to hear, but obviously he did not want to do this. You can't try to control someone like this without coming across as being controlling or insecure. Rather you need to consider that the only way you can voluntarily have someone not talk to another is because they don't want to. The best way to do this is to continue to become your best self and make the relationship a positive happy one with continued personal growth.

If it makes you feel any more secure, realize that he is with you now and not with her and there must be a reason for this that you are better. The only thing that can bring you the security you seek is your own self-assurance, you are good. Even if you sometimes doubt this, acting as if you know you are great will help reinforce this belief as it becomes more solid and will draw more positive circumstances and events to you. Not only will this give you more peace of mind in general it will also make you more attractive to your current boyfriend and give you the assurance that if this relationship with this person isn't what is best for you then you can find someone who is.

Another good question to consider: if you weren't being insecure or worried about sabotaging the relationship, what positive things would you be thinking about and doing for yourself and with another person? If you focus on positive constructive thoughts and actions you will not leave any room for the negative aspects to occur.  

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Michael Hurst

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I can answer almost all questions related to dating and sexuality including the nuts and bolts of particular situations and specific communication skills as well as questions related to self-image and self-development. However most of my work has been with men, singles and those newly single or divorced, to get very rapid results starting with specific actionable tactics while also applying powerful techniques from NLP and hypnosis for rapid personal change. I don't specialize in working with those already in long-term relationship dynamics or marriage however I have also continued to give advice and support to my single clients as they move into relationships. It has been my experience that the most powerful results come from focusing on who you want to become as a person, then you will more naturally attract the types of relationships that you want rather than having to try to force them. I believe that most people's frustrations come from when they are trying to force a situation to get what they think they want when it is not completely aligned with their system of beliefs. While I believe in the role of self-development my strongest selling point has been to get specific, measurable results quickly using applied psychology. Ultimately nothing is more motivating and empowering than being able to quickly make noticeable changes in the way you interact with other people.

Experience

I am an author, dating coach and speaker based in the Washington, DC area. I've been involved in the industry since 1999 and as a professional dating coach since 2008. I have taught thousands of clients through seminars, speaking appearances and in-person coaching sessions. My coaching goes beyond just knowing what to do or say in a particular situation, by teaching how to become the person who is naturally attractive. I have training in Neurolinguistic Programming (NLP) and hypnosis. I am the author of the book "Become That Guy: Become Irresistibly Attractive" (2010, AuthorHouse) a book which offers specific actionable exercises that you can use to address the root causes of common challenges such as confidence and interpersonal communication skills. I am also the author of "Pickup: Real Life Adventures of Seduction" and the creator of the hypnosis CD, "Be Irresistibly Attractive," which gives you the ability to rapidly develop and use the ideal skills and frame of mind to present your best self to the world. I will also be featured in a chapter in an upcoming book "Mastering the Art of Success" alongside "Chicken Soup for the Soul" authors Mark Victor Hansen and Jack Canfield, the subject of a documentary first released at the portfolio show for Art Institute of Washington graduates in 2012. I have also been a presenter at the world dating summit in Los Angeles 2010 and 2011, the Global men's dating summit in 2011, 12 and 13 in Washington, DC and the National Divorce eSummit in 2012 I currently offer several different seminars ranging from evenings to weekend long seminars on topics including online dating, text messaging, conversational skills to build chemistry and attraction and more. I offer coaching by phone through one-on-one phone calls, in-person "infield" coaching where we meet people in real-life settings as well as a comprehensive coaching program.

Education/Credentials
Bachelor in Political Science, American University, training in Neurolinguistic Programming starting in 1999, hypnotherapy and various sales methods including the Sandler Sales Institute. In addition to that I have taken trainings with many leaders in my field including Ross Jeffries (Paul Ross), David Shade, Brad P, Mehow, Jonathan Altfeld and many others.

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