General Dating Questions/Is porn a problem?

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Question
Hello
I am a 34 year old female and I have been dating my boyfriend for about 5 months.  I love him very much and both of us are very attractive.  Here is my question.  It seems as though whenever we go out and have some drinks by the end of the night my boyfriend becomes secretive with his phone and very often mine as his battery frequently dies.  At first I was suspicious that maybe he was hiding something so I started to pay attention to what he was doing.  I noticed he was using my phone to search the web.  One night after he was done I looked in my phone to see what he was doing and to my shock he was looking at porn sites. I showed him and he denied it.  Obviously he was as I do not look at that on my phone.  Here is my concern, he is doing it secretively and when we are out with others. Also, he likes to put porn on while we have sex. Not all the time but frequently.  It also seems that lately we only have sex when he has been drinking.  We are together all the time and I sleep at his house every night so there is plenty opportunity.  I am starting to feel like he is not attracted to me.  He is a great boyfriend and I love him very much.  I am not a prude, I have watched it with him.  I just don't want to feel as though he needs this to get excited or that he isn't turned on by me.  Is this normal?

Answer
Hello Nicole!

Let me deal with your last question first: "Is this normal?"

What's "normal"? The problem here is that there's no definition for normal. It's "normal" for him, and it appears it's not "normal" to you. In order to deal with this we need to turn away from notions like "normal" and "abnormal" and deal with "what is".

You haven't asked this (and frankly, this is why I do private sessions - many of these questions and their answers are things you can't deal with on-the-fly when using a forum like this) but you're probably wondering if he's addicted to porn.

Porn addiction is actually very, very rare. The media has found it to be a great way to get eyeballs and earballs on their products, but the fact is, exceedingly few people are really "addicted" to porn.

That's not to say that it's impossible however. For some people (men AND women) porn offers a unique "high" that is difficult to get in real life. Others find that high far more easily and don't have the same association with porn. That however isn't necessarily an addiction; nor is it "normal" or "abnormal".

Another consideration is the problem with being monogamous. For most women, monogamy increases libido. For most men it does just the opposite. This all comes down to the way we're wired by nature - just as are 98% of all mammals on this planet. I won't bore you with all the science behind this but it's important to consider for this conversation. Porn may be a way for him to live out his natural programming to be polygamous while keeping his promise to you to be monogamous.

At this point I can't tell if he's using porn as an adjunct to keep your sex life going or as a replacement for it. Obviously, answers to these questions make a ton of difference - and presents different solutions.

The things you need to be asking yourself are first, does the porn seem to be inhibiting your normal, healthy sex life and if so, how? Next, what does porn mean in the context of your relationship? It might be good and it might be bad and likely is both! Obviously, without a much larger discussion I can't say. These are the sorts of things we look at; including how specifically to determine the answers, in my personal sessions. If you can't easily answer them yourself, I suggest a session or two as the next step.

One more consideration here: you need to be very careful how you approach this with him. You're very unlikely to change things simply by confronting him with it. Instead, you'll just drive him underground with it and that gives you an entirely different problem to solve BEFORE you deal with the sex issues and porn.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
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BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

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I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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Doctor of Philosophy

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