General Dating Questions/Inappropriate term

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Question
My boyfriend and I were having a discussion about antibiotics in milk. He described as how his granddaughter
At twelve already had a "rack" on her referring to her breasts.
I feel this was an inapproiate way to reference large breasts on a child.
This bothers me. I feel he is being a jerk. Is there nothing wrong with this? Am I being too sensitive? Or do you think it is unacceptable?
I would really appreciate your thoughts.  Thank you Jen.

Answer
Hello Jennifer!

No, there is nothing wrong with this. Yes, you are being too sensitive. No, it's not unacceptable.

For some reason you have a sensitivity to the word but keep in mind, it's only a word! It's only value is the one you give it. That goes for any word that you or other people are overly sensitive about.

People mistake words for actions all the time. (This is how most of our worst politicians get elected!) Put your energy and sensitivity where it's due. The word "rack" is a bro-friendly term for "breasts" but that doesn't make it bad. The word doesn't carry intention at all - even when used to describe a minor. In fact, language is rich in colorful, descriptive terms that are only that - conveyance of concept, or "communication".

It's that color that gives emphasis, humor, perspective, history and intention to our language. When you give power to words to incite emotion and then take offense because someone else used it you're not seeing the reality: it's YOU that gave the word that power over you! It's NOT someone else's responsibility to deal with those emotions you inflicted upon yourself.

Consider some of the words we use like "fag". Is that offensive to you? Does it stir some type of emotional response in you? If you lived in England it would have a very different connotation than it does here in the US because it's a slang term for "cigarette". Likewise with "gay" - a term that used to mean "merry" or "lively".

What about "bunghole"? Does that offend you? Well, if you were in the spirits business you'd know that was the actual name of the hole in a barrel where you fill it and then hammer in the cork to stopper it. We've extrapolated the word as a funny way of referring to the anus.

Now about "nice". It's considered a positive word today but it's origins weren't exactly so "nice". In fact, it used to be used as something of a weak insult. "He's a nice guy" meant he was lackluster and uninteresting.

Jennifer, words are real things only to the degree you make them. If you're unhappy with the intention of words you'll never be able to deal with the intent itself. Don't deflect or misdirect your discomfort and likewise, don't give your offense more value than it's worthy of.

Today, we actually make people apologize for offending others! Stop and think just how weak and misdirected that is! What a waste of energy and in fact, I think that people who get offended and then think they are due some sort of compensation for it are the lowest common denominator of a weak culture. You have ever right to be offended by actions and even words if you choose, but you are not afforded some special rights because of it.

Let's all grow up and be the adults that we were meant to be. We can then use colorful language, spew profanity, be creative, obtuse, disgusting, compassionate, funny and even insulting; recognizing that language ties us together in humanity. What do you say?

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
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Remington Publications
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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

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I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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Doctor of Philosophy

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