General Dating Questions/rejection

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Question
Hi Karen.  I asked you a question a few days or a week ago about social anxiety, feeling lonely, being a virgin in my thirties.  Since you gave me excellent, caring advice, I will ask for your advice again.  I am extremely upset and sad right now. A guy and I emailed each other a few times through the dating site eharmony.com.  Things were going well, or so I thought, and then I told him a little more about myself and that I would like to get to know him better.  For whatever reason or reasons, he "blocked" me, which means someone is no longer interested in you and they block you from communicating with them any longer.  I do not handle rejection well at all; now I feel really bad about myself again. This has happened about four times in the past couple months.  I don't understand what I am doing wrong and why I am not attracting anybody after the first three or four or five emails.  I do bring up the fact that I am shy(but not the social anxiety). Is being shy such a big turnoff and deal-breaker to guys??  I really really feel like giving up on the idea of ever finding anyone.  I don't know how to deal with rejection.  I reveal some information about myself, but not a ton, and nothing really personal.  That's why I can't and don't understand why this guy today blocked me when I thought things were going well.  We had some things in common and it seemed like we could be a good match. He obviously did not have a problem with my being overweight since he saw pictures of me and we exchanged the emails.  How can I get over this rejection?  I know you can't read his mind, but do you have any guesses as to why he didn't want to pursue anything anymore?  I can't figure it out and it makes me want to never look at the website(eharmony)again.  I am incredibly upset.  It hurts and it feels like the worst feeling in the world.  I don't know what to do to move on.  This is one of the worst things that has happened to me, honestly.  It hurts so badly and that's why I want to give up on dating.  It's not worth it.

Answer
Hi Holly,

Do not feel so deflated by this happening. It is not a rejection but an end in communications which are two very different things. I think of a rejection as throwing yourself at someone half naked, to which they laugh and run away half laughing and screaming - I kid, by the way. What I'm trying to say is that it depends how you perceive things, if you see rejection as awful as I just stated, your experience was nowhere near as bad. I believe 'rejection' is more about the aftermath and how you deal with an end to something. Rejection can either be awful or have a positive outcome. It is about how you deal with life's knocks. See rejection as a positive thing, it allows you to stop wasting time on the wrong people and move on to the next. It may be that this one person doesn't think you are for them but the next guy may be someone who does think you are for them. You are more likely to find someone who deserves you and you deserve them in return, as you go past talking and meeting different guys. Look at it in the way that you're lucky that you have not met them and are a couple of months in and have been let down so abruptly.

As a whole, I'd say these things happen and not to get too attached before your first date. Not everyone is compatible and maybe they've just realised that from something you have said. It is very easy to take it personally but you never know what is just around the corner.

I'm not sure what kind of characteristics/traits these men you have talked to have but there may be a contrast between that and the talk of your shyness. It could be they feel their character would conflict with yours. May I ask what your last couple of messages were back and fourth with this person in particular? It will help me pinpoint if there is something that you may be saying that may be setting you back. If not, not to worry.

If you get back to me soon, I shall try to answer your question as quick as possible.

Karen

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Karen

Expertise

I can answer questions on how to meet people, confidence, what to do for the best dates, problems within relationships, how to interact with your partner and how to end relationships amicably and politely. More specifically, I am best at answering issues pertaining to trust, honesty, openness, fear and communication within relationships. It is important to know that everyone loves differently and we must first identify how a partner (or prospective) partner loves, in order to understand them. I cannot answer questions on whether or not someone sounds like they are interested, people are all different when they like or do not like people. I cannot tell you how someone may react or how a situation will end but merely offer you my advice on the subject.

Experience

I do not have professional experience in the area but my knowledge of psychology, teamed with forever being an agony aunt when it comes to relationships means that I have answered many questions on relationships and am proud to say I have seen quite a few relationships flourish with my advice. I am used to surveying people and guiding them in my daily working life. Due to this, I can read situations very well, often putting a much needed outside perspective to good use.

Education/Credentials
BSc (Hons) Psychology

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