General Dating Questions/Texting about work...

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QUESTION: Hi Dennis! I just sent you this question under the wrong category so I'm reposting it here. Sorry about that!

I'm a woman in my late 20s. Last week I decided I was going to ask a particular man for a date. I talk to him several times a week to coordinate deliveries to my workplace and we always have good conversations.

I called him during my lunch break last Friday and we chatted for a bit. At a break in the conversation I said, "I wanted to ask if you would go on a date with me because I've had a crush on you for like 6 months." I felt totally calm and confident and didn't hesitate or waver. He said, "Awww, I'm seeing someone, but if I wasn't I would totally go on a date with you. You're a babe."
He seemed touched that I asked and I think his response was honest.

Normally I would not be so direct. I was bummed, but I wouldn't have asked if I couldn't handle his response. Anyway, I didn't talk to him on the phone at all this week. Rather than call me he has started texting about work stuff on my personal phone number. I'm confused by this and it's bugging me because I can't decide if I need to tell him to stop.

Why would someone do this, in your opinion?

ANSWER: Hello Erin!

First off, GREAT JOB on asking this guy out. I think far too few women do this so I'm very proud of you!

You didn't ask about this but let me offer an idea that may help you in the future. If you invite some guy to spend some time with you and he gives you that "I'm seeing someone" response just say, "So are you engaged? Is she everything you could ever want in a woman? Are you so smitten that you don't even notice other women around you? Because if you're not, you should probably at least get to know me better."

I tell guys to use this approach as well and in fact, it's absolutely true and accurate. It's not your job to tell anyone who is a better choice for them (you or someone else). It's your job to GIVE them the choice.

Here's the problem I'm having with your question: you seem to think that I understand how you feel about him texting you. I don't. What do you want and why aren't you happy with him contacting you this way? What do you want?

I can't really tell you why he'd do this. Some people see texting as more distant and some see it as more personal. I don't know this guy and thus, I can't tell you how he views it.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”


---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks! That's a great suggestion and I will use it. I thought about it and realized it has nothing to do with the texting. I'm smitten with him. I haven't let on that that's how I feel and I don't know if I can keep denying it. Every time I communicate with him those feelings come up. Now that i know I can't date him I'm at an impasse. Telling him how I feel would achieve nothing, but it's so tempting. Continuing on like I have will just make me sad. I don't see much alternative to simply getting over it. Can you give me some ideas about how to do that considering I cannot completely avoid him? Thanks again for your response!

Answer
Hello again Erin!

You're very welcome!

Frankly, I see this as something of an opportunity for you to work on your flirting skills. It doesn't have to be anything heavy or over the top at all. Subtlety is the key.

NEXT!

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.~.
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
818.334.8826
http://beingaman.com
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder

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I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: http://beingaman.com. You can email me directly at: dwneder@beingaman.com.

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I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

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Doctor of Philosophy

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