General Dating Questions/Confusing behavior


Hello.  First, let me give you some background.  My husband and I have been married for 15 years now. We both understand human nature and have agreed that we have somewhat of an open and honest relationship. He is my first and only partner, but I cannot say the same about him.  My mom was very wild and a party girl so I was basically in my shell and did not like to have much fun as far as going out and drinking and such.  So we agreed early on that if I ever got the wild hair and wanted to become adventurous with another person, he would help.  

I have found that person.  

I work with him and we are/were flirty, and his mind just drives me crazy.... In a good way.  He is so smart, handsome, and funny.  We have been work friends for about 2 years now and just recently did these feelings develop.  I have tried to play it cool, and be myself, but as the song says, "it comes out wrong like a cry for help."  He has teased me a little bit about the crush, so he kind of knew.  We went to lunch and he asked me if I had an office crush.  I told him that I had had a crush on him.  He was asking me if it had gone away, and if it was still there, and when it started.  I told him it was waning because I had gotten to know him better and was more comfortable around him.  He was fine and even said that he was not freaked out when I asked him and he said that things would be normal and we will even continue our once a week lunches.  

Now he is acting a little odd,  like he is a little less flirty, but still comes by to talk to me every day.  He keeps wanting to make plans for us to go out, but things don't align and we have yet to.  I am confused and not sure how to act now.  My husband says to be normal but I am afraid to flirt now for fear he thinks I am coming on too strong.  He is married as well, and always makes comments as to how unhappy he is, and how his wife does not like to have fun and it is always around me when he says it. It is like he lets me in, then pushes me out.  Is he conflicted?  Please help!  I am afraid I ruined everything now by being honest with him and I am confused and not sure how to act now.  

My husband says to be normal but I am afraid to flirt now for fear he thinks I am coming on too strong.  Please help...

neither of us knows what's in his mind; we know that if he's interested, he'll ask you out; until then, assume that won't happen, which may be a good thing, because usually such arrangements involving work associates AND other significant others, don't end well....

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expertise: over 7000 questions answered...B.A. Psychology Bates College;graduate study, Fordham Univ. School Social Work; technical editor, "dating for dummies", 2d edition, by dr joy browne; thoughtful consideration of your question, then insightful advice about love,romance and related issues given in an objective, non-judgmental manner...over 20 years of personal experience in both short and long term relationships...longer term consultations are available upon experience: personal involvement in many relationships where issues of love, sex, intimacy, trust, etc., had to be dealt with and resolved...just having "experiences", however, isn`t`s the thoughtful reflection upon and analysis of what happened and why, that leads to learning and tell me what`s on your mind and i`ll try to help, or tell you if i can`t...thanks


Over 20 years personal experience in dating, including both short and long-term relationships.Thoughtful reflection and analysis upon same, as well as providing imput relating to issues of love and romance to friends and acquaintances.

BA, Psychology, Bates College, Lewiston, Me. Graduate study at Fordham University School of Social Work.

Life experience can really be the only teacher in this area; however going through the experience is not enough. What is necessary is a real awareness, sensitivity to, and reflection upon what has happened, what has been lost, what has been gained. Getting beyond one's own insecurities and subjectivities, and seeing the experience in the context of the bigger picture, are essential stepping stones to learning and announces CT matchmaking service..for more, go to

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