General Dating Questions/Confusion


Hello Dr Neder

I have read some of your comments about how a man needs to have sex with a woman first before he can decide if he wants to be with her or not.

I met a man and he knew that I had virtually no experience with men. Our first time together we only had oral sex, then it moved to probing but not penetrative sex. We have spent 4x together, spaced out over several months, but he has never been able to penetrate me, as I couldn't make him hard.

He says that he wants to give me experience so that we can eventually be together.

I'm not sure if he really means this or not? He is always the one to initiate sex with me, even if I try to initiate sex, he will say another time.

Do guys really act this way if they genuinely want to be with someone?


Hello T!

I'm glad to see that you're working on your own sexuality here, but you're asking me the wrong questions about this guy. In fact, the last 3-4 questions you've asked have been the wrong ones as well. Guys aren't pre-programmed with canned, predictable responses that fit every situation any more than you girls are.

The question you want to ask me is; "Is THIS guy genuinely interested in me or just looking for a blowjob?" - and frankly, even THAT question is the wrong one!

Remember: I get a LOT of these questions every single day, not just here but on other boards, directly into my email, on the phone and even in person. I can't keep track of what we've talked about over many of these questions if you don't copy the previous exchanges. That's why AllExperts lets you ask follow-up questions so that there's a thread of related information.

I think at least one of the things you want to know is whether his inability to get an erection is due to your skill level (or lack, thereof). Again, without follow-up questions I can't say specifically. There are many reasons why a guy might not be able to get it up including health issues, drug and alcohol use, psychological issues, how sexually attracted they are to a particular girl and yes, even the girl's skill and experience.

The problem is; I can't say with any certainty what is happening with THIS guy and frankly, that's the only answer that really matters, don't you think?

You have some real challenges in that this guy isn't doing what he should be doing to move something forward. He seems to only see you when he wants you to blow him. Also, considering how long this has been going on I sincerely doubt he's attracted to you; or at least, interested in something long-term with you.

I see nothing wrong with "servicing him" if you're getting something of value out of it. However, I don't see that here. Maybe you are and you haven't told me and there are certainly some indirect benefits in this sort of "relationship" such as education, connection and more but if you're looking for a real relationship, this isn't it - and isn't likely to turn into one at this point no matter how many times you blow him.

Best regards...

Dr. Dennis W. Neder
CEO/Executive Producer
BAM! Productions
Remington Publications
Producers: "BAM! TV" and “Love and Sex”
Publishers: "Being a Man in a Woman's World I, II & III”

General Dating Questions

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Dr. Dennis W. Neder


I'm able to answer any sort of question related to the approach, meeting people, dating, sex, relationships, break-ups, non-legal marriage and divorce questions, and anything in between. I've helped over 30,000 people with their individual issues. IMPORTANT: Please, PLEASE don't ask me, "what was he thinking..." or "why did he say..." types of questions! I DO NOT READ MINDS! There are 1,001 reasons why someone does what they do, says what they say or thinks what they think. If you *REALLY* want to know what they were thinking, saying or why they were acting that way - go ask them! Be sure to check out my FAQ's on my website at: You can email me directly at:


I am the author of the books "Being a Man in a Woman`s World I & II" and "1001 Places and Techniques to Meet Great Women" and 11 others. I`ve spent the last 20 years studying the art and science of every aspect of relationships, and have answered over 30,000 letters from readers all over the world. My main focus is men`s relationships with women, but I also have many female readers and answer questions for them regularly as well.

Doctor of Philosophy

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