General Dating Questions/His parents

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Question
Hi Becky,
I have been dating my boyfriend for 2.5 years. We got together in our junior year of college and now I am working in one city and he is in dental school 3 hours away. We've been doing great so far with the long distance even though it does get hard and often times, lonely. A hang up that I have though is his parents. My boyfriend is the youngest of three boys, and his parents seem to kind of baby all of them. I feel as if they do not take our relationship seriously or respect us as adults.
At 23, I have a great job and I essentially live the life of a young associate trying to make her mark on the world. Because of this, it's hard for me to watch his mom "baby talk" to him or tickle his belly the same way that I tickle my 2 year old nephew when I'm trying make him laugh. We planned a weekend visit for me to come stay with in him, but it quickly went from us getting to spend some time together after 2 months apart to us staying at his family's home. The romantic weekend I had hoped for was quickly dashed because his parents were constantly in our face trying to get us to take what I call "family field trips" with them. We really needed this too since we had had a pretty big fight two months previous and hadn't been able to physically connect with each other. Every time my boyfriend said that we didn't want to go to whatever stupid museum they were trying to drag us to, they told him he was being silly and anti-social. Eventually we caved and ended up going on this historic home tour with them and it completely took up the last few hours of my 2 day visit. The whole time, he was sour because they had forced us to go, which turned into him becoming distant. Great.
Not to mention that they have informed him that during next year's summer vacation, they will be on a family trip to Europe for 2 weeks. Guess how many weeks has for vacation total. Two. So I won't get to spend any of his free time with him. I even tried inviting him to Thanksgiving with my family last year, and his parents told him no. He's 22!!
So I feel kind of disrespected by his parents. They treat their sons who rage from age 22-30, like adolescents and they don't take our relationship seriously. I feel as if they could have shown some consideration for the fact that my boyfriend and I hadn't seen each other in months and only had 2 days together. They also could have asked him if he wanted to go on vacation or tried to reach some sort of compromise so that we could spend some time together, or hell, at least let me have him on Thanksgiving.  My question to you is: Is it ever ok to tell your boyfriend that his parents are bothering you? Thank!

Answer
Rachel,

while I see your pain, it is hard to mention something like that to your boyfriend because you two aren't married. When you're married, you two are one; nothing can break you up and the sanctity of marriage is not an easy one day together, one day not. I apologize if this sounds a little harsh and insensitive to your relationship. But that's where his parents are probably coming from too. You two are young and you are just starting out in your serious and business worlds. HIs parents still see you as children. Which is why they may not take you seriously, not necessarily the relationship. SInce they do not take you seriously, they disregard your relationship since it's just a "puppy love" kind of idea (in their eyes, I assume). Ultimately, however they are with their son is not something you can change, since they are used to behaving and treating their children in that kind of regard. The problem I see arising is if you two get married and they are over bearing not only with their son but with the grandchildren and other important factors in your marriage.

I would say you can speak about your insecurities about the relationship they have with YOU, since that is something that is your issue and concerning you. Otherwise, speaking to your boyfriend about how they are too childish with him, is not going to make anything better ... In fact, i see it causing a tiff between you and your boyfriend because that is his family... unfortunately there is not much you can do about that. If you take him you have to take his family, too. Also, look out for signs if HE (your boyfriend) likes this kind of babying treatment. If he's into that, it may be something that could arise problems in your relationship and at that point, it won't just be about his parents. This kind of acceptance of their goo goo ga ga treatment will eventually make you feel like an outsider and essentially unloved by his family and maybe sometimes even by him. Take it day by day, but figure it out surely before spending another 2 and half years in the relationship.

G-d Bless!

Becky

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Becky

Expertise

I can answer almost everything. I am religious person who strongly believes in G-d. If spiritual guidance is also something that you are seeking for, then I am careful and competent in that region. I am also very aware that it's hard to ask for help, with that being said, I am sensitive to others feelings and have gone through hardships in relationships, which demonstrates a quality of empathy and consciousness when it comes to everyday dating situations. I can answer break-up confusions/confusions in dating in general. I can NOT read minds and can answer to the best of my ability in regards to the detail you provide me. With that in consideration, please do not send me pages of information. Pick the most important and effective way to explain the problem and we can make this our problem and our solution together.

Experience

I have been in confusing relationships. Most of all I was in a 5 year relationship that really helped me in developing my intellect and sensitivities, which also played a huge role in discovering myself and those around me.

Organizations
Chai Life Line; deals with special needs children

Education/Credentials
Bachelor of Arts in English Literature Certified teacher in Canada; recognized internationally

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